Men 

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men: strong, caring, loving.They'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

How do men sort their laundry? ''Filthy'' and ''Filthy but Wearable''.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.''A penny for your thoughts,'' she said.''It's amazing!'' he replied. ''I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50.''

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:''don't'' and ''stop''.

Man walks into a supermarket and buys :1 bar of soap1 toothbrush1 tube toothpaste1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk1 single serving cereal1 single serving frozen dinnerThe girl at the checkout looks at him and says ''Single are you?''The man replies very sarcastically ''How did you guess?''She replies ''because you're ugly.''

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. ''I got a cookbook once,'' said the first, ''but I could never do anything with it.''''Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?'' asked the second.''You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'''

Whats the difference between pink and purple? Your grip.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in theworld does it take to do the dishes? -Both of them.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no womenaround to hear him, is he still wrong?

Men are like...Men are like animals: messy, insensitive andpotentially violent, but they make great pets.

What food best describes a man? Jerky

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? Because he's plugged into a woman!

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, ''Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.'' The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guyssaid ''What's that board for?'' The trader said, ''Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.''They said ''No way! We've sworn off women for life!'' The trader said,'' Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use themI'll refund your money next year. ''Okay,'' they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said ''Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.'' The trader said, ''Weren't you in here last year with a partner?''''Yeah'' said the guy.''Where is he?'' asked the trader.''I shot him'' said the guy.''Why?''''I caught him in bed with my board.''

Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?A: you turn it over!Sent by gms38

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, ''I'm going to acostume party, I want to go as Adam.'' The girl brings outa fig leaf. He says, ''Not big enough.''She brings out a bigger one. He says, ''Still not big enough.''She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, ''Still not big enough.''She says, ''Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over yourshoulder and go as a gasoline pump?''

The Bachelor DietMondayBreakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallowsome toothpaste while brushing your teethLunch - Send your secretary out for six ''gutbombers''- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime butnow cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, abowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on theway back for a family size bottle of maalox.Afternoon Snack - Drink the maaloxDinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chickenthree-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.TuesdayBreakfast - Eat the coleslawLunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninetyfive cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eatwhatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.WednesdayBreakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night atEl Flasho'sLunch - Rolaids and a cokeDinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg forscrapsThursdayBreakfast - Order out for pizzaLunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombersack forleftovers.Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you gethungry ask the bartender for olives.FridayBreakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes betterand it's better for you.Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murderDinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don'teat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.SaturdayBreakfast - Sleep through it.Lunch - DittoDinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant themin a hanging basket.SundayBreakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her aboutrenting your old room.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Q: Did you hear about the new ''morning after'' pill for men?A: It changes their blood type.

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?He has an Adam's apple that isn't an appleTwo calves that will never become cowsA nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhereA roof of the mouth that won't cover anythingTwenty nails that won't hold a boardA chest that won't hold linenTwo boobs that won't give milkTwo buns that won't feed anyoneA belly button that won't buttonTwo balls that won't rollAn ass that won't pull a plowAn organ that won't play musicA cock that won't crow