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Náhodný vtip

Lietadlo rolovalo na startovaciu drahu, zrazu sa zastavilo a vratilo sa spat. Po hodinovom cakani znova odstartovalo. Znepokojeny cestujici sa pyta letusky co sa stalo. Letuska na to: Pilotovi sa nejak nepacil zvuk motora a trvalo nam skoro hodinu, nez sme zohnali pilota, ktoremu by to nevadilo...

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Children 

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A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.''Don't be angry,'' the Mother says, ''Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts.''A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...''Now she knows.''

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Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, ''What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!''''Not much,'' the boy's uncle replied. ''I just showed him how tomasturbate.''

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The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johhny has still not decidied what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is releived when he tells her he has worked out his act. Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her perettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause...Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.Finally, out comes Johhny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...''Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my unlce's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR!'''

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Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother, ''Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?''''Yes, dear,'' replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it. ''But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinkshis babysitter is gay.''Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?'' says mom.Timmy replies, ''Because his dick tasted like shit!''

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Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, ''Hey Tommy, wanna play house?''He says, ''Sure! What do you want me to do?''The girl replies, ''I want you to communicate your thoughts.''''Communicate my thoughts?'' said a bewildered Tommy. ''I have no idea what that means.''The little girl smirks and says, ''Perfect. You can be the husband.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Mom took little johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.Doc. said, how did such a thing happen? Johnny said, ''It's that damn neighbor girl, Suzy. Her braces are too darned sharp.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The following is a ''history'' collected by teachers throughout theUnited States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully,and you will learn a lot.=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. Theylived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, socertain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. TheEgyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the firstbook of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from anapple tree. On of their children, Cain, once asked, ''Am I my brother'sson?'' God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarchwho brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did nottake it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, whichis bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up onMount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew kingskilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a raceof people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman, one of David'ssons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeksinvented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. Theyalso had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that themother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he becameintollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer alsowrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship thatUlysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written byHomer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around givingpeople advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled thebiscuits, the threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coralwreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people tookthe law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as themountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see whattheir neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, theGreeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History callspeople Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. JuliusCaesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides ofMarch murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects byplaying the fiddle to them.Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames.King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded histroops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized byBernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on theirnecks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should behanged twice for the same offense. In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. Thegreatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems andversus and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of WilliamTell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on hisson's head. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals feltthe value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to thechurch door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He dieda horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was thepainter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him thefather of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions anddiscoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh isa historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Anotherimportant invention was the circulation of blood. Sir FrancisDrake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. HenryVIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.Queen Elizabeth was the ''Virgin Queen.'' As a queen she was asuccess. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they allshouted, ''hurrah.'' Then her navy went out and defeated the SpanishArmadillo. The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.Shakespear never made much money and is only famous because of hisplays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamletrations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill the Kindby attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroiccouplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Miltonwrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus wasa great navigator who discovered America while cursing about theAtlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was known asPilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they weregreeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoopsbefore them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Manyof the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, whichproved very fatal for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for thesettlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain JohnSmith was responsible for all this.

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Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, ''This is a goodopportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.''He walks up to Little Johnny and says, ''I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?''Little Johnny replies, ''A loaf of bread Father.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider. ''Why do you want cider?'' asked Mom. ''To take the pain away,'' sobbed the little girl. Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass. The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink. ''It doesn't work!'' she yelled. ''What do you mean?'' asked Mom. ''Well,'' sniffed the little girl, ''I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What were Michael Jackson's baby's first words? Which one's Mommy?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. Sothey plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-oldsays he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS.Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when theirmother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, ''Ah, Hell, I'll havesome Fruit Loops.''Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on hischair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-oldand says, ''What are you going to have?'' He replies, ''I don't know, butyou can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, ''And what would you like for Christmas?''The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: ''Didn't you get my E-mail?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old girls house. One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up the football and says, ''See this football? Football is a boys game, and only boys can have a football!''. The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, ''I want a football!'' Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike. She holds up the football, ''Nah Nah Nah Nah''. The little boy angryly points to his bike and says, ''Oh yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you can't have one!'' She runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys bike. The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to his most private of parts says, ''Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!!!''. The next day he walks by and asks her, ''Well, I guess I showed you!'' to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims ''My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in andasked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.The boy walked into the back room and said, ''there is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.'' As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ''and this gentleman wants to buy the other half''.The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, ''you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressedwith the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.Where are you from son?'' The boy replied, ''Minnesota sir''.''Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota'' asked the manager. The boy replied, ''They're all just whores and hockey players up there.'' The manager was shocked and replied ''My wife is from Minnesota!!''The boy answered, ''Really! What team did she play for?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A wish for Christmas It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas lap. Santa says to the little boy''I bet I know what you want for christmas''. ''I bet you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y''; touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy responds''Nope''. So santa again says''Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E''; as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little boy again said''Nope''. Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy''I bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E''; once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word. Where to the little responds''Nope''. Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little boy ''Then what the fuck do you want for christmas''? The little boy then looked at santa and said''I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any because I can smell it on your finger''!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem. Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!). Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/ political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of ''nests'' in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of. You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane. Sincerly,

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher ''Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?'' Johnny ''I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday.'' Teacher, ''Was he burned very bad?'' Johnny, ''Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Little Johnny says to his mother '' Mommy, I have to go and tinkle.'' The mother replies back '' Would you like Mommy to take you?''. Little Johnny says '' No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! ''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that ''Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between boys and girls,'' and would his mother,''please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.'' So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse. So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. - ok, now take off my skirt... And he takes off her skirt. - now take off my bra. Which he does. - and now, johnny, please take off my panties. And when johnny finishes removing those, she says, ''Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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