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Bar Jokes 

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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells, ''What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!'' The drunk responds, ''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.'' The bartender opens the door and looks in. You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said. ''Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.Stage 4 - INVINCIBLEYou are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.Stage 5 - INVISIBLEThis is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know all the words.THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UPStage 1 - STUPIDAs you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy the headache, the churning stomach and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but also the ability to concentrate on anything at all. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a minimum of 12 hours.Stage 2 - UGLYNever entirely happy with the effects of the bathroom mirror, the first thing you are horrified to discover is that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously thought possible. Not only have you got bloodshot eyes and a glorious collection of spots but you are shaking so much that your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are still too STUPID to know better than to try to shave while still shaking.Stage 3 - POORHaving crawled out of bed and got dressed, you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money that was to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to it but the traces of pizza on your clothes allow the possibility that you might have treated everyone to a takeout at some point. Alternatively your pocket could have been picked or you might have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake. Rationionalizing that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and start to loathe all your friends.Stage 4 - FRAGILEAs you are now STUPID, UGLY and POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter if anyone even speaks to you.Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUSThis is the final stage of sobering up. Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they can complete your misery by making fun of you, and that you are too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to bribe them and too UGLY to hide.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A drunk walked into a tavern, sat down at the bar. He placed a small cardboard box on the bar, and ordered a beer. When the beer came, he opened the box, pulled out a tiny piano and bench and set them on the bar, then ordered another beer. When the beer came, he reached into the box, pulled out a frog, sat him on the piano bench and said, ''PLAY''. The frog immediately began to play the piano. It played all the favorites, and some classical and then launched into contemporary jazz. The man ordered another beer, and when it came he reached into the cardboard box and pulled out a little white mouse. He set this mouse on top of the piano and said ''SING''. The frog began to play the piano and the mouse began to sing, first some 'oldies but goodies', then all of the current favorites.A man at the bar who was watching all of this approached the drunk man and offered to buy this little outfit that he had. After a bit of negotiating, the drunk man agreed to sell it to the man for $500. The man gathered everything into the little cardboard box and ran out the door before the drunk could change his mind.The bartender had been watching all of this goings on and said to the drunk ''You damned old fool! You just sold that little outfit you had for $500 and you could have made millions off of it!'' The drunk laughed heartily and replied ''I am not the fool, the guy who bought it is. Do you really think I would have sold that if that mouse could really sing?''The bartender responded ''What do you mean, I stood right here and listened to that mouse sing!'' ''The joke is on you and the guy who bought that outfit my friend'', chuckled the drunk. ''That mouse can't sing. The frog is a ventriloquist!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, ''You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.'' The bartender says ''Prove it.'' The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. ''That's incredible!'' says the bartender. ''I would never have believed it!'' ''Yeah'', said the guy, ''I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?'' The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. ''Oh my god!'' said the bartender. ''Did they rob you? Are you hurt?'' The guy turns and says: ''No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But,he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood,so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.''Well, you really tied one on last night,'' she said.''Where'd you go?'' ''I worked late,'' he said, ''and I stopped off for a couple of beers.''''A couple of beers? That's a laugh,'' she replied, ''You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?''''What makes you so sure I got drunk last night,anyway?''''Well,'' she replied, ''my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah..I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?! Me too!Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?Guy 1: 1988!guy 2: Same here!A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.The bar tender replied, '' Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says,''I'd like a pint of blood.'' The second vampire says,''I'd like a pint of blood, too.'' Then the third vampire says,''I'd like a pint a plasma.'' Then the bartender says,''OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Okay a man is in a bar and he's gettin really drunk and he goes home. He comes back the next day to get his jacket and the bartender asks him, ''Do you wanna drink?''And the man replies, ''Nah, Man Im not drinking anymore. I was so drunk last night I was blowing Chunks all night!''And the bartender says, ''Thats okay it happens to everyone when they are drunk.''Then the man says, ''No you dont understand my dog's name is Chunks.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A string walks into a bar and ask the waiter for a beer. The waiter says, ''I am sorry but we can't serve strings here.''The string goes home, ties himself in a knot, and messes up his hair. He goes back to the bar about an hour later, sits down and says, ''Waiter, give me a beer.'' The waiter says,''Hey aren't you the string who came in here earlier.''The string replies, ''No, I'm a fraid knot.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Please try the following:

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: ''I spit in my beer.''When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: ''I spit in your beer, too!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says ''Is this a joke?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine.He dropped the horse's tail,stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.''Hold on there, Mister,'' said the sheriff.''Did I just see what I think I saw?''''Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.''''And that cures them?'' the Sheriff asked.''Nope, but it keeps me from lick'en 'em.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..''I sure do,'' he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.''Wow!'' said his friend, ''where did you get that monster.''''I got it from my genie.''''You have a genie?'' he asked.''Yes, he's right here in my pocket.''''Could I see him?''He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, ''I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?''''Yes I will,'' the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, ''What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!''He answers, ''I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two furniture salesman are sitting at the bar comiserating. One says, ''Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass.''The second salesman says, ''Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, m'aam.''The woman looks at him and says, ''That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one. Then the man asks, ''Who's in the lounge?'' The bartender replies. ''15 people playing darts.'' The man says, ''Get them a pint too.''Then he asks, ''Who's upstairs?'' The bartender replies, ''150 people at the disco.''The man says, ''Get them a drink too.'' The bartender says, ''That will be $328 please.''The man says, ''Sorry but I haven't got that much money on me.''The bartender says, ''If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.''The man says, ''I've all ready been there.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man walks into a bar and finds a jar full of money on the counter. He asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender replies, ''Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.''The man asks, ''What are the tasks?''''First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.Then, well, there's a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.'' said the bartender.''Damn.'' says the man.Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, ''I'm in.''He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he's out cold.The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back. All you hear is the dog howling. Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, ''Now where's that lady with the blunt tooth.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. This other guy notices it.“Hey, what's that?” “A twelve-inch pianist. Ya see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a twelve inch pianist.” “Can I try?” The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. “Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks!” “Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist?”

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing ''Tuff Enuff'' by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. ''That IS amazing!'' says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. ''If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?'' The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings ''You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet'' by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. ''Are you nuts?'' asks the bartender. ''You could've made a fortune off that frog.'' ''Can you keep a secret?'' asks the man. ''The hamster's a ventriloquist.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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