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Náhodný vtip

Idu tri korytnacky po pusti a idu 5 rokov, 10 rokov, 15 rokov a najdu kelimok. A jedna hovori K1: "Aha kelimok, zoberme ho so sebou" K2: "Ale naco nam bude, len nam bude zbytocne zavadzat" K3: "Mas pravdu podme radsej pekne v pohode dalej" A tak idu dakej idu 10 rokov, 20 rokov, 30 rokov a zrazu uvidia jazierko. K1: "Aha jazierko napime sa vody: K2: "Cosi, ved rozcerime vodicku a bude spinava!" K3: "Mam napad vratme sa pre kelimok." K1: "Ale naco pojdeme vsetky tri staci ked pojde jedna" K2: "Ano mas pravdu K3 by mohla ist." A tak K3 ako iniciatorke napadu nic neostava, len ist ale predtym este nezabudne dodat: "Ale musite ma pockat. Nieze ma nepockate" K1 a K2: "Jasne ze ta pockame" A tak cakaju 10 rokov, 20 rokov, 30 rokov, "No to by tam uz mohla byt" a cakaju 40 rokov, 50 rokov, 60 rokov, a hovoria si: "No tak uz by mala byt spat, ale co ak sa jej nieco stalo? Tak pockame este chvilku" A tak cakaju este dalsich 10 rokov ale uz ich to omrzi a hovoria: "Ona uz asi nepride, podme sa napit" A tak vykrocia smerom k jazierku a v tom sa spoza kriku vystrci K3 a hovori: "Ja som to vedela, ze ma nepockate!"

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Legal 

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A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, ''Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.'' The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, ''Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: ''That's Strange!''

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Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming fourth wedding. ''Father,'' she said, ''How am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?'' ''My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be,'' he replied. ''Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk. The next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father, I'm marrying a lawyer, so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A very very rich gentleman dies,leaving his fortune to his only living friends, a Doctor, a CEO, and a Lawyer. But being the eccentric he was, his will stipulated that each one must place their third of the money in his coffin before he is put in his final resting place. The funeral comes and goes. Over a year later the three friends are talking over lunch and the topic of the old man and his strange ways comes into the conversation. The Doctor finally says ''I have to be honest, I didn't place ALL of the money into his coffin, I kept five million''. Then the CEO states ''Well, I have to admit that I too kept some of the cash. Ten million to be exact''. The Lawyer glares at the two and says ''I am ASHAMED of you two, I wrote a check for the FULL amount!''

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Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what?DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we?JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on ''Do not.''PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe that that is not really F. Lee Bailey. (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this courtroom!BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving. The people request permission to stick him with a pin.JUDGE: I'll allow it.F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssssJUDGE: Let the record show that ''F. Lee Bailey'' is actually an inflat- able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV show!JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.DEFENSE: Which one?JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your book advance.EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is $350,000.PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to play us.PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis- sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be played by Demi Moore?PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?EXPERT WITNESS: I am.PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this way, or the way the people wore it before?EXPERT WITNESS: This way.JUDGE: What about my beard?EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more impressive facial hair on a coconut.(Laughter.)JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you identify this item for the court?EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging to the defendant.DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either way.PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert words, what ''DNA'' stands for?EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or poppy seed at the scene of the...EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!(Another murmer runs through the court.)GUN: BANG!BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National Enquirer.JUDGE: I'll allow it.PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.JUDGE: Of course.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we cannot...JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. ''Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?'' The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, ''First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?'' Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, ''Um...no.'' ''-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?'' The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, ''-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident,'' the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, ''leaving her penniless with three children?'' The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, ''I had no idea...'' On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: ''-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender ''Do you serve lawyers here?'' ''Sure do,'' replied the bartender. ''Good,'' said the customer, ''Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my gator.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Guilty Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. ''Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,'' the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. ''Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room,'' he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.'' The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. ''But how?'' inquires the lawyer. ''You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.'' Answers the representative: ''Oh, we did look. But your client didn't.''

Hodnotenie:
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No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one ofthem, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

The bartender asks him ''What'll you have?''. The guy answers, ''A scotch, please''. The bartender hands him the drink, and says ''That'll be five dollars'', to which he replies ''What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this''.A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ''You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration''. The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, ''Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again''.The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ''What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!''. The guy says ''What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life'', to which the bartender replies ''I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.''To which the guy replies ''Thank you! Make it a scotch.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Attorney to witness: ''And where was the location of the accident?''Witness: ''Approximately milepost 499.''Attorney: ''And where is milepost 499?''Witness: ''About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A lawyer and two friends, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble inthe countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.The farmer said, ''There might be a problem. You see, I only have room fortwo to sleep, one of you must sleep in the barn.''''No problem,'' spoke the Rabbi. ''My people wandered in the desert for fortyyears. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.'' With thathe departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.Moments later a knock was heard at the door. The farmer opened the door,and there stood the Rabbi from the barn. ''What's wrong?'' asked the farmer.He replied, ''I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There isa pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.''His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes latethe same scene occurs. There is a knock on the door. ''What's wrong, now?''the farmer asked.The Hindu holy man replies, ''I too am grateful for your helping us out, butthere is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. Ican't sleep on holy ground!''Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled andcomplained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was anotherknock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened thedoor, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff v.s. THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability. Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, ''Defendant''), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation. Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa. Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette. Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the Acme ''Little Giant'' Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate. In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote: 1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle. 2. Sooty discoloration. 3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise. 4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration. 5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring. We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium. To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities. The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life. As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again. Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford tobe screwed for?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. ''Doctor,'' she asks nervously, ''canyou get pregnant from anal intercourse?''''Certainly,'' replies the doctor, ''Where do you think lawyers come from?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Why don't lawyers play hide-and-seek?Nobody will look for them.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What's the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline?You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What is the proper weight for an attorney?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to aneighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer. Incensedat the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, ''Hey,if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liablefor the cost of the meat?'' The lawyer replied, ''Of course, how muchwas the roast?'' ''$7.98.'' A few days later the butcher received acheck in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read:''Legal Consultation Service: $150.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?How many can you afford?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What is the worst thing about our justice system? You're leaving your fate in the hands of 12 people whoweren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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