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Náhodný vtip

Muz v noci pocuje strkotanie klucov v zamke, postavi sa a ide sa tam pozriet. Otvori dvere a vidi totalne opiteho chlapa, ako strka svoj kluc do jeho zamku. Tak mu hovori: "Pocuvajte, vy tu nebyvate!" Chlapik sa otoci a odide. Muz si lahne, a o pat minut zase pocuje strkotanie klucov. Otvori dvere, a tam stoji ten isty opilec. "Oocuvaj ty tu nebyvas, vypadni niekde inde." Opilec odide. Muz si sotva lahne do postele, a znovu pocuje kluce. Vybehne, trhne dverami a krici: "Pocuvaj, uz som ti povedal, ze ty zu nebyvas!" A opilec na to kludne: "no hlavne ze ty byvas vsade, frajer".

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Gender Jokes 

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|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, ''made the dinner.'' Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See ''Magician.'' Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say ''focus,...breath...push...'' Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, ''to go somewhere and neck.'' After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also ''tranquilizers.'' Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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|''WOMEN SEEKING MEN'' Classifieds40-ish means: 48Adventurer means: Has had more partners than you ever willAffectionate means: PossessiveArtist means: UnreliableAverage looking means: You figure this one outBeautiful means: Pathological liarCommitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewiseContagious Smile means: Bring your penicillinEducated means: College dropoutEmotionally Secure means: MedicatedEmployed means: Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at homeEnjoys art and opera means: SnobEnjoys Nature means: Bring your own granolaExotic Beauty means: Would frighten a MartianFinancially Secure means: One paycheck from the streetFree spirit means: Substance abuserFriendship first means: Trying to live down reputation as slutFun means: AnnoyingGentle means: ComatoseGood Listener means: Hard to pull a word from herHumorous means: CausticIntuitive means: Your opinion doesn't countIn Transition means: Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the billsLight drinker means: LushLooks younger means: If viewed from far away in bad lightLoves Travel means: If you're payingLoves Animals means: Cat ladyNon-traditional means: Ex-husband lives in the basementOpen-minded means: DesperateOutgoing means: LoudPassionate means: LoudPoet means: Depressive SchizophrenicRedhead means: Shops on the Clairol aisleReliable means: FrumpyReubenesque means: You can figure this one outRomantic means: Looks better by candle lightSelf-employed means: JoblessSmart means: InsipidSpecial means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windowsSpiritual means: Involved with a cultStable means: BoringTall, thin means: AnorexicTan means: WrinkledWants Soulmate means: One step away from stalkingWidow Nagged means: first husband to deathWriter means: PompousYoung at heart means: How about the rest

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|SEMINARS FOR WOMEN In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered: General Education: GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly ''Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic'') GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One GE104: How to Parallel Park GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera Home Economics: HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly ''How to Cut Credit Cards in Half'') HE103: Overcoming ''The Imelda Syndrome'' (formerly called ''How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?'') Interpersonal Relationships: IR101: How to Say ''No'' With Kindness and Appreciation IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b) IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly ''Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too'') IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called ''We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!'')

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|WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What?s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!

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|WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, ''Oh all right, I'll stay the night''. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, ''You may be, you look familiar.''

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|Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing ''AT''.When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.A modem won't say a word if you come home late.A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.Modems come with an instruction manual. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

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|These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...''IT'S A GUY THING''Translated:* ''There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.''''CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?''Translated:* ''Why isn't it already on the table?''''UH HUH,'' ''SURE, HONEY,'' OR ''YES, DEAR''Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.''IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN''Translated:* ''I have no idea how it works.''''TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD.''Translated:* ''I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.''''THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR.''Translated:* ''Are you still talking?''''YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.''Translated:* ''I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every carI've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday.''''OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.''Translated:* ''I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.''''HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING.''Translated:* ''And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.''''I CAN'T FIND IT.''Translated:* ''It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.''''WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?''Translated:* ''What did you catch me at?''''I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.''Translated:* ''No one will ever see us alive again.''''WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.''Translated:* ''I make the messes; she cleans them up.''

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|Continuing Education Courses for Women Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits. Parties: Going Without New Outfits. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . . Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up. Introduction to Parking. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor. Water retention: Fact or Fat. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together. Ballet: For Women Only. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both. Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges. ''Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?'' - Why Men Lie. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

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|Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

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|New Summer Seminars for WomenThe Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There Life Beyond Shoes Money, The Non-Renewable Resource How To Get 90 Minutes Out Of An Hour Why Men Don't Like Any Of Your Friends How To Be A Victim Of Marketing How To Get Out Of Bed Without Waking Up Your Man Is There Really Enough Makeup In The World How To Get The Most Out Of A Garbage Bag Cigar Smoke And Its Benefits Clocks And Time: The Mysterious Connection Tupperware: Its Social And Environmental Drawbacks Where To Look When Your Auto Is In Reverse Learning When Not To Talk, And Then Not Talking How To Avoid Turning Into Your Mother Quality Time: When You And Your Husband Should Spend Time Apart Beyond The Front Page: Exploring The Daily Newspaper How To Accept Criticism or When To Give Up On Cooking Telltales Sounds Associated With Auto Collisions Toilet Paper And The Loss Of The Rain Forests: The Vital Connection When Ignorance Can Be A Blessing: Household Finances And You How To Keep 'Em Guessing, or: 101 Ways To Fold A Towel Talking And Driving: There's Got To Be A Way

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|Differences Between Men & Women NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless. EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of ''Love, American Style.'' OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

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|The top six reasons computers must be female: 6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message ''Bad Command or File Name'' is about as informative as ''If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you''. AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE: As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

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|HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: Pulls off at wrong exit. opens window asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer Arrives at destination presently. HIS: Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's the correct one. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he's right. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh airPulls up to a 7 -11 Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. Gets back into car. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. Almost hits a deer Curses the night Curses you Curses the large slurpee Drives and fiddles with radio. Yells at you for suggesting the map again Admits he didn't want to go to Thanksgiving at your sister's anyway. He hates your sister. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel He had to look up pernicious. Couldn't find a dictionary. Finally found a dictionary Couldn't spell pernicious. Seethes at the memory of it all But she is laughing inside... And of course you're still lost.

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|Reasons why it's great to be a guyPhone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. Monday Night Football. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave a hotel bed unmade. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you. You can kill your own food. The garage is all yours. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment. You never have to clean the toilet. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. The National College Cheerleading Championship None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry. You don't have to shave below your neck. If you're 34 and single nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Flowers fix everything. You never have to worry about other people's feelings. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pair of shoes are more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. You can say anything and not worry about what people think. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you. You get to jump up and slap stuff. One mood, all the time. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle. Same work....more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back. You don't mooch off others' desserts. The remote is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. ESPN's sports center. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You needn't pretend you're ''freshening up'' to go to the bathroom. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed. Someday you'll be a dirty old man. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: ''So... notice anything different?'' Baywatch There is always a game on somewhere.

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|How to be politically correct with womenShe is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

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|A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING: I'M HUNGRY.I'm hungry. I'M SLEEPY.I'm sleepy. I'M TIRED.I'm tired. I'VE GOTTA GO.Get out of the way and stay away until it clears. WHAT'S WRONG?I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this. WHAT'S WRONG?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.I liked it better before. YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.$50 and it doesn't look that much different! YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair! LET'S TALK, HONEY.I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. WILL YOU MARRY ME?I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

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|A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE..... without you in it. DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?We haven't had a fight in a while. NO, PIZZA'S FINE..... you cheap slob! I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.I just don't want you as a boyfriend now. I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?I can't believe you have nothing planned. COME HERE.My puppy does this, too. I LIKE YOU, BUT...I don't like you. YOU NEVER LISTEN.You never listen. I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will. OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch. OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!Well, near there; I just want to get this over with. I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

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|Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Why do women have smaller feet than men ? So they can stand closer to the sink How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with ''A man once told me....'' How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven! I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: ''I wanna know your name...'' If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in! One golfer tells another: ''Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The other replies: ''GREAT trade!'' What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business? 1) No mind.2) No business. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, ''What's on the TV?'' and I said, ''Dust!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Advice From Men To Women...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....Please don't drive when you're not driving....Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

Hodnotenie:
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|A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, ''Will you buy booze?'' The bum said, ''No.'' The man asked, ''Will you gamble it away?'' The bum said, ''No.'' Then the man asked, ''Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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