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Náhodný vtip

Sedi Miso v krcme a na kolenach pestuje velkeho psa. Krcmarka sa ho pyta: Preco nenechate toho psika trochu prebehnut? Nemoze ani behat ani chodit. - vysvetli Miso - Ma bolave nohy. Chudacik psik. A ako sa vola? Nijako. To fakt nema ziadne meno? Nie. Naco by mu bolo. Keby som na neho zavolal aj tak by nemohol prist.

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Men 

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If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.

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Q: What's the best way to kill a man?A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one

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Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

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There was a young man from KentWhose tool was exceedingly bentHe put it in doubleTo save himself troubleInstead of coming he wen

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As a man ages, it is natural that his hair starts thinning.It is a well-known fact that when a man is bald at the frontof his head, it?s because he?s a great thinker.Also, when a man is bald at the back of his head, it?sbecause he?s sexy.Unfortunately, when a man is bald both front and back, heonly thinks he?s sexy...Sent by Buddy

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What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A rumor

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A woman asks: ''Why don't men get mad cow disease?''Another woman replies: ''Because men are pigs!''

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What is defference between man and Superman?Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

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When should you care for a man's company?When he owns it.

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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.He approached a uniformed policeman and said, ''I've lost my dad!''The cop asked, ''What's he like?''The little boy replied, ''Beer and women with big tits.''

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Seminars for Men COURSE 001 Combating Stupidity COURSE 002 You Too Can Do Housework COURSE 003 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut COURSE 004 How To Fill An Ice Tray COURSE 005 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas COURSE 006 Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks) COURSE 007 Understanding The Female Response To Your Coming Home At 4 AM COURSE 008 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception COURSE 009 Get A Life: Learn To Cook COURSE 010 How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong COURSE 011 Understanding Your Incompetence COURSE 012 YOU: The Weaker Sex COURSE 013 Reasons To Give Flowers COURSE 014 How To Stay Awake After Sex COURSE 015 SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try COURSE 016 SEX 102: Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take A Shower COURSE 017 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down COURSE 018 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency COURSE 019 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children COURSE 020 You Too Can Be A Designated Driver COURSE 021 Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked COURSE 022 The Obtainable Goal: Omitting $@? From Your Vocabulary COURSE 023 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary COURSE 024 Patronizing Does Not Work COURSE 025 Motel 6 Doesn't Always Keep The Light On Course 026 Real Men Ask For Directions FOR COUNSELING CALL 1-CHA-UVI-NIST

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Guyness QuizTake This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:a. Present it to the president of the United States.b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.c. Take it apart.2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?a. Innocence.b. Idealism.c. Cherry bombs.3. When is it okay to kiss another male?a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.4. What about hugging another male?a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: ''I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!'')c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:a. A cat.b. A dog.c. A dog that eats cats.7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.c. Tell her what?9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:a. ''Do they need to eat or anything?''b. ''They're in school already?''c. ''There are three of them?''10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?a. He was being tested.b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.c. He refused to ask directions.12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?a. Democracy.b. Religion.c. Remote control.How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer''c.'' A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a realguy would score at least 15, because he would get the specialfive-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer'sdisease and cancer.

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Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in themiddle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. ''POOF'' out popped a tired oldgenie who said ''ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one''. The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, ''Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!'' ''Fine'' said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.''Great move Einstein!'' said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. ''NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!''

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A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because ''alarm didn't work''. 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while ''enjoying'' favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those ''gorgeous women'' online. Pass gas.

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Some people are sitting in a bar when one guy says, ''My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG.''Another guy says, ''What's that?''The first guy says, ''That means I am a Single, New Age Guy.''Another one says, ''My name is Gary, and I am a DINK.A girl asks, ''What's that?''He says, ''That means I am a Double Income, No Kids.''A lady says, ''That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE.''Larry says, ''A WIFE? What's a WIFE?''She says, ''That means, ''Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''

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Department of the Treasury Internal Revenue Service Washington, D.C. To: All Male Taxpayers RE: Notice of increase of tax payment Form 1040 - P The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts. Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according to size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line 3, on the Standard Form 1040. 10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00 8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00 5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00 4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00 Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please do not ask for an extension!!!!!! Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains. Sincerely, Peter Checker Internal Revenue Service

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What makes a man think he's so great ? 1) He has a belly button that won't work. 2) He has tits that won't give milk. 3) He has a cock that won't crow. 4) He has balls that won't roll. 5) He has an ass that won't carry a thing.

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What's so great about being a dick ? 1) You've got a head with no brains. 2) Two nuts follow you around all day. 3) Your neighbor is an asshole. 4) Your best friend is a cunt !

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The first engineer calls out to the other, ''Hey--Nice bike! Where did you get it?'' ''Well,'' replies the other, ''I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'you can have ANYTHING you want!''' ''Good choice,'' says the first guy, ''her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway.

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A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)

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