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How To Give Your Cat a Pill 1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, ''That's a nice kitty.'' Drop pill into its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, ''Who's the boss here, anyway?'' Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or woman.15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirins and lie down.

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What is the difference between en elephant and a plum?An elephant is grey.What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?''Look! A herd of plums in the distance'' (Jane is colorblind)

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What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?''Look, a herd of elephants in the distance''What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglassesin the distance?Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?''Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!''

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It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape. She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down. The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, ''Now, tell him you have a headache.''

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Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then hehappened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beerdown his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

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A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. ''Is this the vet?'' asked an elderly lady's voice.''Yes, it is'', replied the vet, ''Is this an emergency?''''Well, sort of'', said the elderly lady, ''there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?'' There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied ''Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone''''Really?'' said the elderly lady, ''Will that will that stop them?''''Should do,'' said the vet, ''- IT STOPPED ME!''

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Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook ElephantThe English book - Elephants I have shot on SafariThe Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better ElephantsThe Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper ElephantsThe Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of MoneyThe Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish PeopleThe German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.The Icelandic book - Defrosting an ElephantThe Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His ElephantsThe Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.

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Why do elephants live in herds?To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

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How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him ''lunch''.

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What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?Swim for it...

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What has two grey legs and two brown legs?An elephant with diarrhea.What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?Lots of room!

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What game do four elephants in a mini play?Squash

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How do you get an elephant into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Insert elephant.3. Close door.How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?1. Open door.2. Remove elephant.3. Insert giraffe.4. Close door.How do you know there are *two* elephants in your fridge?The door won't close.How do you know there are *three* elephants in your fridge?There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?By the footprints in the butter.

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How do you get an elephant out of the water?Wet.How do you get two elephants out of the water?One by one.

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How do you get four elephants into a Mini?Two in the front, two in the back.

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A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, ''What the hell is that all about?''The farmer says, ''We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other.''

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Top 15 Household Pet Dishes15> Angelfish Cake14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye13> Chow Chow Mein12> Bran Muffy11> Eggs BenjiDict10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ] [ *To forward or repost, please include this section.* ] [ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]

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The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants.The British submited a dry historical account ''The Elephant and the British Empire.''The French submited a text ''The Sensuality of the Elephant -- a Personal Account.''The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled ''An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear.''The Americans submited an article from ''Money'' magazine: ''Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s''Green-Peace submited a counter-entry ''Elephants -- they're better than People''The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled ''The superiority of the Soviet Elephant''And submited a poem ''The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant.''But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier ''We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead''

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How to Catch a White Elephant ============================= Submitted By Niels Kristian JensenGo to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you amuffin (with raisins). Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close,drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it. The white elephant willbe happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants likemuffins (with raisins). Repeat this procedure for five days in a row.After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin(with rasins). The sixth day you climb the tree, bring with you a muffinwithout rasins. Drop the muffin as usual. When the white elephant findsout that the muffin lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.And then you catch it the same way as an ordinary grey elephant.

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A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, ''Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only knowhow to say one thing.'' ''What do they say?'' the priest inquired. ''They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?'' ''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed, ''I can see why youare embarrassed.'' He thought a minute and then said, ''You know,I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrotswhom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them inthe cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrotsto praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop sayingthat...that phrase in no time.'' ''Thank you,'' the womanresponded, ''this may very well be the solution.'' The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest'shouse. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots wereinside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed outin unison, ''Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have somefun?''There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot lookedover at the other male parrot and said, ''Put the beads away,Francis, our prayers have been answered!''

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