HoUM
0101.sk

Náhodný vtip

Halo, policia? Isiel som autom a zrazil som dve sliepky. Co mam robit? Odtiahnite ich na krajnicu, aby nezavadzali ostatnym autam! Dobre. A co mam urobit s ich motorkou?

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Animal World 

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Jokes found: 8543

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is apoodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks ''why are you here?''The schnauzer responds, ''I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well.I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sickso he brought me here to be put to sleep.''The schnauzer asks the poodle ''why are you here?''The poodle responds, ''I've not been myself lately. I've been especially highstrung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and Ieven bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has beenhappening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he broughtme here to be put to sleep.''The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.The great Dane responds: ''My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterdayshe was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took overand the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. Icouldn't help myself. ''The poodle asks: ''so she brought you here to put to sleep?''''Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed.''

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A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around hisneck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it'shis turn to be waited on.A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchaseand noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and askedthe dog what it wanted today.The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef,and the butcher said, ''How many pounds?'' The dog barked twice, so thebutcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said,''Anything else?'' The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butchersaid, ''How many?'' The dog barked four times, and the butcher made upa package of four pork chops.The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could getat the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money beforetying the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow thedog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a housewhere it began to scratch the door to be let in.As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, ''That's areally smart dog you have there.''''He's not really all that smart,'' the owner replied.''This is the second time this week he forgot his key.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A horse and a rabbit A horse and a rabbit are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into amud hole and is sinking. He calls to the rabbit to go and get thefarmer to help pull him out to safety. The rabbit runs to the farm butthe farmer can't be found. He drives the farmer's Mercedes back to themud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws theother end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the carforward saving him from sinking!A few days later, the rabbit and horse were playing in the meadowagain and the rabbit fell into the mud hole. The rabbit yelled to thehorse to go and get some help from the farmer.The horse said, ''I think I can stand over the hole!'' So he stretchedover the width of the hole and said, ''Grab for my dick and pullyourself up.'' And the rabbit did and pulled himself to safety.The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need aMercedes!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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German Shepard on Golf Course A golf pro was helping this attractive young woman with her swing when his zipper got caught in the rhinestones on the back of her skirt. Needless to say this was embarrassing to both of them since their relationship had been purely platonic. They decided to walk together in this lock-step back to the clubhouse where certainly a pair of needle-nosed pliers would fix the problem. Just as they turned the corner to the clubhouse a German Shepherd ran up and threw a bucket of water on them.

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Footless Parrot A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters ''I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?'' The parrot says ''With my prick, you dummy.'' The guy is startled and says ''You certainly talk well for a parrot.'' The parrot says ''Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.'' The guy says ''Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for.'' The parrot says ''There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me.'' The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says ''Come in and shut the door.'' The guy says ''What's up?'' The parrot says ''I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips.'' The guy says ''Oh, A momentary flight of passion.'' The parrot says ''Then he fondled her breasts.'' The guy says ''He did??!'' The parrot says ''Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts.'' The guy says ''My God, what happened next???!!!'' The parrot says ''I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said ''I wish you could talk.'' The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. ''You can understand what I'm saying?'' asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.''Well, did you see this?''''Yes,'' motioned the monkey.''What happened?''The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.''They were drinking?'' asked the officer.''Yes.''''What else?''The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.''They were smoking marijuana?''''Yes.''''What else?''The monkey motioned ''Screwing.''''They were screwing, too?'' asked the astounded officer.''Yes.'' ''Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.''''Yes.''''What were you doing during all this?''''Driving'' motioned the monkey.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. ''What are they doing, Grandma?'' asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, ''The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.'' They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?'' said the little one. ''How do you mean?'' asked the Grandma. ''Offer someone a helping hand,'' said the little girl, ''and they fuck you everytime!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. ''Jesus is watching you!'' ''who's there?'' The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. ''What's your name,'' the robber asked. ''Cocodora'' said the parrot. ''Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora'' said the robber. ''The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus'', said the parrot.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot and says, ''I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times.'' And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams down a shot and says, ''That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it.'' And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams down a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, ''Where the hell are you going?'' The third mouse stops and replies, ''I'm going home to fuck the cat.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, sending him flying way off into the jungle.''Why did you do that?'' the giraffe asks.''When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason,'' the elephant replied.''Wow! You must have a good memory!'' exclaimed the giraffe.''Yep!'' said the elephant. ''I've got Turtle-Recall.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. ''Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?'' the service guy asks. ''Boy,'' is the man's response. ''Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there,'' says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some nstructions: ''Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.'' The man asks, ''What do I do with the shotgun?'' The service guy replies, ''If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. ''My God Henry'', she screams, ''I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!'' ''You may be right'' he says, ''I think I'm stuck.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A mouse and a lion walk were in a bar, drinking a few beers when a giraffe walked in. ''Get a load of her'' said the mouse, ''what a babe!'' ''Well, why not try your luck?'' replied the lion. So the mouse went over to the giraffe and started talking to her. Within five minutes they're out the door and into the night. The next day, the lion was drinking in the bar, when the mouse staggered in. The mouse is completely worn out, and can hardly hold himself up. The lion helped his pal up on to a stool, poured a drink down his throat and said, ''What the hell happened to you? I saw you leave with the giraffe, what happened after that? Was she all right?'' The mouse replied, ''Yeah, she was really something, we went out to dinner, had a couple of glasses of wine, and she invited me back to her place to spend the night. And oh, man! I've never had a night like it!'' ''But how come you look like you're so exhausted?'' asked the lion. ''Well'' said the mouse, ''between the kissing and the screwing, I must have run a thousand miles!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket. ''Don't be afraid, darling,'' said the man. ''Wait until I tell you about this.'' ''Get out of here!'' cried his wife. ''And take that sex maniac with you!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A blind man is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and pisses down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie biscuit which he starts to offer to Fido. A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, ''Excuse me buddy, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just pissed all down the leg of your pants?'' ''Yes, I'm trying to break him of this dreadful habit'', replies the blind man. ''Well, it's none of my business,'' says the onlooker, ''but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a biscuit!'' To which the blind fellow chuckles, ''Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. ''Listen,'' he says to the bartender. ''If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is my beer on the house?'' ''We'll See,'' says the bartender. So the guy pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the bar, and the hamster begins to play. ''Impressive,'' says the bartender, ''but i'll need to see more.'' ''Hold on,'' says the man. He then pulls out a bullfrog, and it sings ''Old Man River.'' A patron jups up from mhis table and shouts ''Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you $100 right now for the frog.'' ''Sold,'' says the guy. The patron takes the bullfrog and leaves. ''It's none of my business,'' says the bartender, ''but you just gave away a fortune.'' ''Not really,'' says the guy. ''The hamster is also a ventriloquist.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What are the five reasons for not wanting to be an egg ? 1) You only get laid once. 2) You only get eaten once. 3) It takes you seven min. to get hard in boiling water. 4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys. 5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. ''Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?'' If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. ''John,'' he said, shaking his head, ''I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good.'' ''Well,'' John said, taking the barstool next to him, ''If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this....'' ''I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work.'' ''I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.'' ''Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall.'' Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, ''Well, did you finally get to milk her?'' ''Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Did you hear about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer? He could run as fast as Rudolph, he just couldn't stop as fast.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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