Car and train jokes 

WIFE: ''There's trouble with the car. It

has water in the carburettor.''
HUSBAND: ''Water in the
carburettor? That's ridiculous.''
WIFE: ''I tell you the car has water in the
carburettor.''
HUSBAND: ''You don't even know what a carburettor is.
I'll check it
out.
Where's the car?''
WIFE: ''In the pool.''

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the

long lines, surly clerks, and
insane regulations at the
department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for
my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash
register. ''Cash or charge?'' the clerk
asked.

''Cash,'' I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
''I've spent the
afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.''

''Shall I giftwrap the bat?''
the clerk asked sweetly. ''Or are you
going
back there?''

One day a guy was driving with his
4-year-old daughter
and beeped his car horn by mistake.
She turned and
looked at him for an explanation.
He said, ''I did that by
accident.''
She replied, ''I know that, daddy.''
He replied, ''How'd you
know?''
The girl said, ''Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!'
afterwards!''

What do you say to a
one legged
hitch-hiker?

Hop in.

Two cab drivers met.
''Hey,'' asked
one, ''what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red
and
the other side blue?''
''Well,'' the other responded, ''when I get into an
accident, you
should see
how all the witnesses contradict each
other.''

A fellow was following a truck in heavy
traffic.
Every block or so, when
they were stopped at a stop light, the
driver of the truck would jump
out
of the cab with a big stick and
bang on the side of the cargo bay.
He'd
then jump back into
the cab in time to drive away when the signal
changed.
The first
fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand
it

no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick,

the
first fellow jumped out and ran up to him. ''I'm sorry to
bother
you,'' he
said, over the din of the banging, ''but I am very
curious; could you
tell
me what you are doing?'' Without breaking
rhythm, the truck driver
replied,
''Sure, Mac. Ya see, this
here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight
tons of
canaries
aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the
time so

I don't break an axle''.

What is evil and ugly and goes at 125

mph?
A witch in a high speed train.

What did the monster say when he saw a
rush
hour train full of passengers?
Oh good! A chew chew
train!

Whats black and white and red all
over?

A nun in a car accident.

Did you hear
about the boy who had
to do a project on trains?
He had to keep track of everything!

Monster: I've got to walk 25 miles

home.
Ghost: Why don't you take a train.
Monster: I did once,
but my mother made me give it back.

Why do you have to wait so long for a

ghost train to come along?
They only run a skeleton service.

Where do ghost trains stop?
At devil
crossings.

What's the difference between a teacher

and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other
minds the train.

Why did the stupid racing car driver
make ten pit stops
during the Grand Prix?
He was asking for
directions.

What do you call a witch who
drives
really badly?
A road hag.

My dad is stupid.
He thinks a fjord
is a Norwegian motor car.

How do you stop a dog howling in the
back of a car?
Put him in the front.

Auntie Maud bought herself a new
rear-engine European car. She took an
old friend for a drive, but after
only half a mile the car broke down.
Both women got out and opened up
the front of the car.
''Oh. Maud,'' said her friend, ''you've lost
your engine!''
''Never mind, dear,'' said auntie. ''I've got a spare one
in the
trunk.''

What do you get if
you cross a Rolls
Royce with a vampire?
A monster that attacks expensive cars and
sucks out their gas
tanks.