Car and train jokes 

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a

stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

He rolled down his window and
shouted to the driver of the Rolls.
''Hey, buddy, that's a nice
car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a
phone in my Yugo!''


The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, ''Yes, I
have
a phone.''

The driver of the Yugo said, ''Cool! Hey, you
also got a fridge in
there, too? I've got one in the back seat of
my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, ''Yes, I
have a
refrigerator.''

The driver of the Yugo said, ''That's
great, man! Hey, you got a TV in
there? You know, I got a TV in the
back seat of my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated
by now, replied, ''Of course,
I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is
the finest luxury car in the
world!''

The driver of the Yugo
said, ''Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed
in there? I
got a bed in the back of my Yugo!''

The driver of the Rolls,
upset that he did not have a bed, sped away
and went straight to the
dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be
installed in the back
of his Rolls-Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up
his car, and the bed looked
superb It came complete with silk sheets
and a brass-trimmed headboard.
It was clearly a bed fit for a
Rolls-Royce. So the driver of the Rolls
began searching for the Yugo. He
drove around all day and finally found
the Yugo late that night.


It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. He
got
out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't
any
answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the
owner of the
Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head
out.

''I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,'' the
driver of the
Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of th
e Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, ''You got me
out of the
shower to tell me that?!?!''

''When you exit the bus, please
be
sure to lower your head and watch your step.''

''If you miss your
step and hit your head, please lower your voice and
watch your
language. Thank you.''

After seeing a
documentary on how
inner city youths can remove
the wheels of cars in under 4 seconds
with no specialist
equipment, the McLaren team decided to fire their
pit crew and
hire four of the youths as most races can be won or lost
in the
pit lane.

The first race came along and the car came
into the pits. The
youths went to work but the McLaren team boss
noticed a real
problem.

Not only had the youths replaced all four
wheels within four
seconds, but within 10 seconds, they'd
re-sprayed and
re-numbered the car and sold it to the Ferrari Team!

In a very small alley two trucks

driving in opposite directions meet.

As the drivers are equally
stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.

They angrily look one
at the other.

Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and
starts reading.

The other one politely asks, ''When you've finished
the paper, will
you please bring it over, and let me read it?''

One day, two guys were driving
to a
local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they

ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed
red.

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked

at the driver and screamed, ''What the heck are you doing? You're

going to get us killed!''

Then the driver responded, ''Don't
worry, my mother allways drives
like this.''

So later on, the
two guys came to another stoplight and that too was
red. The driver
sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked
at the
driver and said, ''I thought I told you, you're gonna get us
killed!
Would you please stop this nonsense!''

The driver looked at the
passenger and responded, ''I get it! But like
I told already, you my
mother drives like this all the time!''

Again, the two guys ran
into another light. This time in was green. The
driver slammed
on his brakes and stopped the car completely. ''What the
hell are
you doing?'' The passenger screamed. ''This is the third time
you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?''

The
driver replied, ''That's my mom's car coming over there!''

A man
walks into an auto parts store
and says ''I'd like a rear view mirror
for my Yugo.''

The man
behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says
''Yup,
seems like a fair trade to me.''

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the

railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The

inspector puts this question to him: ''What would you do if you
realised that
two trains were heading for each other on the same
track?''
Andy says, ''I would switch the points for one of the
trains.''
''What if the lever broke?'' asked the inspector.
''Then I'd dash down
out of the signal box,'' said Andy, ''and I'd
use the manual lever
over there.''
''What if that had been struck by lightning?''
''Then,''
Andy continues, ''I'd run back into the signal box and phone
the
next signal box.''
''What if the phone was engaged?''
''Well in that
case,'' persevered Andy, ''I'd rush down out of the box
and use the
public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.''
''What if
that was vandalised?''
''Oh well then I'd run into the village and get
my uncle Silas.''
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, ''Why
would you do that?''
Came the answer, ''Because he's never seen a
train crash.''

Five Englishmen
in an Audi Quattro
arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian customer agent stops
them and tells them: ''Itsa illegal to
putta fiva people ina
Quattro.''

''What do you mean it's illegal?'' asked the
Englishmen.

''Quattro means four,'' replies the Italian official.

''Quattro is
just the name of the automobile,'' the Englishmen says

disbelievingly. ''Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5

persons.''

''You can'ta pulla thata one ona me,'' replies the Italian customs

agent.''Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and
you are
therefore breakin'a the law''.

The Englishmen reply
angrily, ''You idiot! Call your supervisor over We
want to speak to
someone with more intelligence!''

''Sorry,'' responds the Italian
official, ''he can'ta come''.''He's a
busy with two guys in a Uno''.

Ole
and Lena were sitting down to
their usual morning cup of coffee,
listening to the weather report
coming over the radio.

''There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today,
and a snow emergency has
been declared,'' the weather report said.
''You must park your cars on
the odd numbered side of the
streets.''

Ole says ''Jeez, okay,'' and gets up from his coffee.

The
next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee
and
the weather forecast declares ''There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow

today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars

on the even numbered side of the streets.''

Again, Ole says
''Jeez, okay,'' and gets up from his coffee.

Two days later, again
they're sitting down with their cups of coffee
and the weather
forecast says, ''There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow
today, and a snow
emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on
the -
''

Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of
the
instructions.

He turns to Lena and says ''Jeez, what am I
going to do now, Lena?''

Lena replies ''Aw, Ole, why don't you
just leave the car in the garage
today?''

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who
is
appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following
advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is
directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast
decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused
by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk
drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in
New York on a dark
night. The passenger taps the driver on the
shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of
the car, nearly hits a bus, drives
up on the sidewalk, and stops
inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in
the cab, then the driver said,
''Look friend, don't EVER do that
again. You scared the daylights out of
me!''

The passenger
apologizes and says he didn't realize that a ''little
tap'' could scare
him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together
replied, ''Sorry, it's
not really your fault.

Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for
the last 25
years!

A state trooper pulled a car over and
told the man driving
that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.
''I
was only going 40!'' the driver protested.
''Not according to my
radar,'' the trooper said.
''Yes, I was!'' the man shouted back.
''No you
weren't!'' the trooper said.
With that, the man's wife leaned
toward the window and said,
'Officer, I should warn you not to argue
with my husband when
he's been drinking.''

A Lutheran
minister is driving down
to New York to see the
radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut
for speeding. The
state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and
then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, ''Sir,
have you
been drinking?''

And the minister says, ''Just
water.''

The sheriff says, ''Then why do I smell wine?''

And the
minister looks down at the bottle and says, ''Good
Lord, He's done it
again!''

A guy driving a truck in the middle of

nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker
falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the
hitch-hiker wakes up,''what the
hell was that?''. The truck driver
replies, ''some kinda animal, go
back to sleep.''
Further the same thing again, bang, ''What the hell was
that?'',
''some kinda animal again.''
Further into the night, bang,
bang, bang, ''What the hell was that?'',
''Some bastard!''. ''How
terrible'',says the hitch-hiker, ''but there
were
3 bangs''
The truck
driver replies, ''Yeah, well I had to go through two fences
to get the
bastard. . .''

a quadruple amputee is waiting at the

bus stop.The bus pulls up.Driver says
''alright John, how you
getting on today?''

A driver, obviously
drunk, was
heading the wrong way down
a one-way street when a policeman pulled him
over. ''Didn't
you see the arrow, buddy?'' he asked.
''An arrow?''
the confused driver said. ''I didn't even see the
Indians

A man was driving up a steep and narrow

mountain road.
A woman was driving down the same road.
As
they passed each other, the woman leaned out the
window and yelled,
''Pig!''
The man immediately leaned out his window and
replied,
''Moron!''
They continue on their way and as the man rounded the
next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the
road.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown
farmhouse. He got out
and
knocked at the door. A very old woman
answered the door, and
he asked her for directions to Des
Moines.

''Don't know,'' the woman said.

He got back in his car and
pulled away. Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror
and saw the woman and an
equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U-
turn and drove up to them.

''This is my
husband,'' the old woman said. ''He doesn't know
how to get to Des Moines
either.''

A young bloke has started work on a

property, and the boss
sends him up the back paddocks to do some
fencing work, but
come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets
on the CB
radio to check if he's all right.

''I've got a
problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!''

''Ah well, these
things happen sometimes,'' the boss says.

''Just drag the carcass
off the road so nobody else hits it in the
dark.''

''But he's
not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull
bar, and I've
tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and
squealing, and he's
real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt
me!''

''Never
mind,'' says the boss. ''There's a .303 under the tarp in
the back. Get
that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass
off the road and come
on home.''

''Okay, boss.''

Another half an hour goes by,
but there's still not a peep from
the young fella. The boss
gets back on the CB. ''What's the
problem, son?''

''Well, I
did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck.''

''What's up? Did
you drag the pig off the road like I said?''

''Yeah boss, but his
motorcycle is still jammed under the
truck.''

A man is driving down the road for a
long period of time.
During

his travel, he sees a priest with
a gas can hitch hiking, so he

gladly picks him up he
says,''Normally father, i dont pick up hitch

hikers. You seem like a man of
dignity so i thought id make an
exception.

In fact i hate
hitch hikers. The priest nods his head and they drive on

Along the
way, The driver spots another man hitch hiking. ''that dirty

son
of %$#%#% ill fix him''. He then swirves the car and tries to make the

hit
and run like an accident. Dang! i missed. The priests
yells,''Don't
worry
i got him with the gas can!''