Animal World 

A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says ''I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar. The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string, and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up and play that damn thing! The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!

Laboratory Rabbit Freedom A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. 'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits? 'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?' 'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic,' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.' 'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The drunk wandered off into the crowd.An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.''That's fantastic'', the man said. ''Hasn't he scored three bulls?''The showman, cursing his luck, made a show of going over to the target and inspecting it closely.''Yes, sir!'', he announced to the crowd. ''This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware!''''I don't want any bloody glasses'', the drunk replied. ''Give me another one of those little crusty meat pies!''

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says ''Ok, old fellow, time to retire.'' The old rooster says ''You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!'' The young rooster replies, ''Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.'' The old rooster says, ''Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.'' The young rooster says, ''Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!'' So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, ''I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.'' The young rooster says, ''You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.'' They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck ''Go!'' and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says ''Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!''

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified ''No dogs.'' Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction(and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. ''How is everything?'' asked Chuck. ''We're moving'' replied the man. ''This is a sick neighborhood.'' ''Why? What happened?'' replied Chuck. The neighbor replied: ''Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage.''

Want some chicken? A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer ''What's up with these chickens?'' The farmer said ''Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire.'' The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said ''Don't know, haven't caught one yet.''

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, ''I think I can stand over the hole!'' So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ''Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up.'' And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. ''This is a talking dog,'' hesaid. ''And you can have him for five dollars.'' The neighbour said, ''Who doyou think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no suchanimal.''Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. ''Please buy me, Sir,'' hepleaded. ''This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog inAmerica. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated tentimes.''''Hey!'' said the neighbour. ''He can talk. Why do you want to sell him forjust five dollars?'' ''Because,'' said the seller, ''I'm getting tired of allhis lies.''

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign sayingDANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed aharmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.He asked the store manager, ''Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to bewareof?''''Yep, that's him,'' he replied.The stranger couldn't help but be amused. ''That certainly doesn't look likea dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?''''Because'', the owner replied, ''before I posted that sign, people kepttripping over him.''

You know why a dog licks his ass?Because he knows in five minutes he'll be licking your face.

''What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine,'' the society matron asked the zookeeper.''The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.''This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, ''Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size.''

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,really bad now.Doctor: ''What happened to you?''He says: ''I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!''Doctor: ''But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow andcouldn't cause that much damage!''He says ''Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!''

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep hercompany at home.She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; itwouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be funto hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediatelyspotted a large beautiful parrot.She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare lookingand beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.The owner looked at her and said, ''Look, I should tell you firstthat this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it sayspretty vulgar stuff.''The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have thebird. She said she would buy it anyway.The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for itto say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,and said, ''New house, new madam.''The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thoughtthat's not so bad.A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returnedfrom school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them andsaid, ''New house, new madam, new whores.''The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but thanbegan to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, thewoman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him andsaid, ''New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!''

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe hashunted all his life.When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry tosit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears ablood-curdling scream.He rushes back to Jerry and yells, ''I thought I told you to bequiet!''Jerry says, ''Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawledover me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing downmy neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawledup my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat themhere?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!''

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,''Gotany fresh fruit?''''No.''''Got any fresh vegetables?''''No. We have only canned and dry goods.''The next day, the duck returns.''Got any fresh fruit?''''No.''''Got any fresh vegetables?''''No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor.''On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,''Got any nails?''''No.''''Got any fresh fruit?''

Why do you wrap duct tape around a hamster?So it doesn't explode when you fuck it.

A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years andtells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig eversince his wife died.The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether thepig is a male or female.''No! I'm not doing it anymore!'' says the farmer. ''And the pig is afemale, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?

How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

A New York boy was being led through the swamps ofLouisiana by his cousin. ''Is it true that an alligator won'tattack you if you carry a flashlight?''The cousin smirked and replied, ''Depends on how fast yacarry the flashlight.''

A blind man walks into a drug store with his seeing eye dog.He takes the dogs leash & starts swinging it around & aroundhis head.The druggist says ''May I help you?'' The blind man replies ''No thank you, I'm just lookingaround.''