Old age jokes 

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker
quietly sat down
next to the grieving widow. ''How old was your
husband?'' he
asked.

''He was ninety-eight,'' she answered softly.
''Two years oder
than I am.''

''Really?'' the undertaker said.
''Hardly worth going home,
wouldn't you say?''

The 75 year old man and his young, knockout
wife
were
shopping in an upscale jewelry boutique when the
man's
oldest friend bumped into him. Eyeing the curvaceous
blonde
bending over the counter to try on a necklace,
the friend asked ''How in
the hell did YOU land a wife
like that?'' The old man whispered back,
''Easy. I told her I was
90!''

''What's wrong, sonny?''
asked the old
timer sympathetically, coming over
to the little kid who was sitting on
the curb, crying his heart out.
''I'm crying 'cause I can't do
what the big boys do!'' So the old
man sat
down and wept too.

How do you get four old ladies to say the F
word?

Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!

A little old lady walked into the bank, cashed

a small check, and started
out. Passing the armed guard, she
smiled and said, ''You can go home
now.''

What's the worst thing about having to kiss

Grandma?
When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the
head.

Two 80 year old men are driving down the road
when they hear the Ex-Lax
commercial end with the statement: ''It
makes you feel young again.''

John looks at Sylvester and says,
''We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!''


Sylvester agrees and the two old men pull over and get a bottle of

Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.


About one mile later Sylvester asks, ''Well John, do you feel young

yet?''

''No,'' replies John.

So they pull over and take four
more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.


A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, ''John, do you feel
younger?''

''No,'' replies John, ''but I sure did a childish thing!''

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week
to play cards.

One day they were playing
cards when one looked at the other and said,
''Now don't get mad at
me... I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't
remember your name. I've thought and thought, but
I can't recall
it. Please tell me what your name is.''

Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just looked at
her.

Finally
she said, ''How soon do you need to know?''

Worried because they hadn't heard

anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver

said to her son, ''Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs.

Kirkland is?''

A few minutes later, Timmy
returned.

''Well,'' asked Mrs. Silver, ''is she all right?''

''She's fine, except
that she's angrywith you.''

''With me?'' the woman exclaimed.
''Whatever for?''

''She said 'It's none of your business how old she
is,''' snickered
Timmy.

A wise old
gentleman retired and purchased
a modest home near a junior high
school. He spent the first few
weeks of his retirement in peace and
contentment. Then a new school
year began. The very next afternoon three young
boys, full of
youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
beating merrily
on every trash can they encountered. The crashing
percussion
continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it
was
time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet
the young percussionists as
they banged their way down the street.
Stopping them, he said, ''You
kids are a lot of fun. I like to see
you express your exuberance like
that. In fact, I used to do the
same thing when I was your age. Will you do
me a favor? I'll give you
each a dollar if you'll promise to come
around every day and do
your thing.'' The kids were elated and continued
to do a bang-u
p job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer
greeted the kids again, but this time
he had a sad smile on his face.


''This recession's really putting a big dent in my income,'' he
told
them. ''From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to
beat on
the cans.''

The noisemakers were obviously displeased,
but they did accept his
offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.
A few days later, the wily
retiree approached them again as they
drummed their way down the street.

''Look,'' he said, ''I haven't
received my Social Security check yet,
so I'm not going to be able
to give you more than 25 cents. Will that
be okay?''

''A lousy
quarter?'' the drum leader exclaimed. ''If you think we're
going to
waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
you're
nuts! No way, mister. We quit!''

And the old man enjoyed peace.

Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't
have babies.

They would put them down somewhere and forget where
they left
them.

An 80-year-old man is having his annual
checkup.
The doctor asks him how he's feeling. ''I've never been
better!'' he
replies. ''I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and
having my
child! What
do you think about that?''

The doctor
considers this for a moment, then says, ''Well, let me tell
you a
story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a
season.
But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun.''

''So he's in the woods,'' the
doctor continues, ''and suddenly a
grizzly bear appears in front of him!
He raises up his umbrella, points it
at the bear, and squeezes the
handle. The bear drops dead in front of
him, suffering from a
bullet wound in his its chest.''

''That's impossible! Someone else
must have shot that bear,'' the man
said.

''Exactly.''

How old is your Grandma? I dunno, but we've
had him a
long time.

How can you tell an old person from a young
person?
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same
time.

Why is it easy to break in to an old man's

house?
Because his gait is broken, and his locks are few.

My grandma has so
many wrinkles she has to
screw her hat on.

''Grandma, why don't you
drink tea
anymore?'' ''I don't like it ever since that tea bag got
stuck in my
throat.''

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother

started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and
we
don't know where the hell she is.

One day, a grandpa and his grandson
go
golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving

him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the

grandpa says, ''When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over
that
tree.'' So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the
tree
and lands not to far from where it started. ''Of course,'' added
the
grandpa, ''when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet

tall.''

Do you think my skin is starting to show its

age?''
''I can't tell. There are too many wrinkles.''