HoUM
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Náhodný vtip

Lev stretne na savane uplne zniceneho opiciaka. Je cely vystaveny, kruhy pod ocami, klipka ocami, jazyk vonku, ledva sa vlecie na nohach. Co sa ti stalo? Ale, zacal som balit tu mladu zirafu. No a? Po mesiaci mi konecne dala. Ale to bolo peklo. Stale len "miluj ma zozadu, daj mi pusinku, miluj sa zozadu, daj mi pusinku ....

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Old age jokes 

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Jokes found: 8543

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking
in a
chair on his porch.

''I couldn't help noticing how
happy you look,'' she said. ''What's
your secret for a long happy
life?''

''I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,'' he said. ''I also
drink a
case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise.''

''That's amazing,'' the woman said. ''How old are you?'


''Twenty-six,'' he said.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

There was an old man
whose family could no
longer afford to take care of him. So the family
decided that a
nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man
rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced
that it was the
right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he
spent most of his
time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A
while
later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day
was
going.

''How you doing today?'', she said to the old man, ''First
day I see''.
The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the
two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began
to drag on,
the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers,
cards
and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full
of
peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help

herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with eac
h other, the orderly kept
eating more helpings of the peanuts. She
look at her watch and noticed that
nearly 2 hours had passed and
said, ''My goodness, the time has gone by
quickly. I have to tend to
other people here too.'' ''That's okay.'',
said the old man, ''I feel
so much better being able to talk to
someone.'' Looking into the bowl
the orderly said, ''I feel awful! I ate
almost all of your peanuts!''
The old man responded, ''That's okay. Ever
since I got these false
teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off
of them
anyhow.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his

first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly
woman. He
approached her and asked, ''Mrs. Jones, do you know me?''


She responded, ''Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you
since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate
people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you.''

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across
the room and asked, ''Mrs. Williams, do you know the
defense attorney?''

She again replied, ''Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he
was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him
for his parents. And he,too,
has been a real disappointment to
me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
drinking problem. The man can't
build a normal relationship with anyone
and his law practice is one
of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I
know him.''

At
this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both

counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace,

''If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for

contempt within 5 minutes!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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Two elderly
couples were enjoying friendly
conversation when one of the men asked the
other, ''Fred, how was
the memory clinic you went to last month?''

''Outstanding,'' Fred
replied. ''They taught us all the latest
psychological
techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference
for me.''


''That's great! What was the name of the clinic?''

Fred went
blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile
broke across his face and he asked, ''What do you call
that flower
with the long stem and thorns?''

''You mean a rose?''

''Yes,
that's it!'' He turned to his wife. . .''Rose, what was the
name of
that clinic?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An eighty
year old couple were having
problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor to
make sure nothing was wrong with them. When
they arrived at the
doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they
were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out,
the doctor told them that they were
physically okay but might want
to start writing things down, making notes
to help them remember
things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night
while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair
and his wife
asked, ''Where are you going?''

He replied, ''To the kitchen.''


She asked, ''Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?''

''Sure.''


Then his wife asked him, ''Don't you think you should write it
down so
you can remember it?''

''No, I can remember that.''


''Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had bett
er
write that down cause I know you'll forget that,'' his wife
said.

''I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries.''

She replied, ''Well, I also would like whipped
cream on top. I know you
will forget that. You had better write it
down.''

With irritation in his voice, he said, ''I don't need to
write that
down, I can remember that.'' He went into the kitchen.


After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed
her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a
moment and said, ''You forgot my
toast.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two elderly women were
staring at the
numbers of
the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked
if
they needed any assistance with something, one
asked how they were
going to be able to reach way up
there to push the button for their
floor.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One day a lady was driving on the
Highway.
She frequently checked her speed gauge to make sure she stayed

within the speed limit. However, when she looked into her rear mirror,

much to her dismay, she saw a police car not far behind! And, to make

matters worse, the police car turned on his flashing lights. She
thought
to herself, ''Uh-oh, what have I done now? I'm not speeding.
I'm not
drinking. I have my seat belt on! I have kept up my license
dues and
everything!''

So, she pulled over and the police car
pulled over to the side right
behind her car. She drove her car
slowly to a stop, slowly rolled down
the window, and prepared for a
ticket when she knew she didn't deserve
it. A policeman walked up to
her window, and spoke to her. The lady
pointed to her ear and shook
her head, meaning she was deaf. The policeman
smiled slightly, and
knowing sign language, signed back, ''I know. I'm
here to
tell you that your horn is stuck.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith

and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her
front
porch and shout ''PRAISE THE LORD!''

Next door to her lived
an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would
shout, ''There ain't no Lord!!''

Hard times set in on the elderly
lady, and she prayed for GOD to send
her some assistance. She stood
on her porch and shouted ''PRAISE THE
LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM
HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!''

The
next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag

of groceries and shouted, ''PRAISE THE LORD.''

The neighbor jumped
from behind a bush and said, ''Aha! I told you
there was no Lord. I
bought those groceries, God didn't.''

The lady started jumping
up and down and clapping her hands and said,
''PRAISE THE LORD. He
not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil
pay for them.
Praise the Lord!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two police officers saw this old woman

staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too

much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just
drive
her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the
officers
gets in the back with the drunk woman. As they drove
through the streets
they kept asking the woman where she lived, all she
would say as she
stroked the officers arm is ''Your Passionate'' They
drove awhile longer
and asked again, again the same response as she
stroked his arm ''Your
Passionate''. The officers were getting a
little upset so they stopped
the car and said to the woman, Look we
have driven around this City for
two hours and you still haven't told
us where you live. She replied I
keep trying to tell you: ''Your
Passin It!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A little Italian grandfather comes
up to
Customs.
The Customs official says, ''Have you got anything to
declare?''
He thinks a second and he says, ''It's a nice-a day!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A group of senior
citizens were exchanging
notes about their ailments.

''My arm is so weak I can hardly
hold this coffee cup.''

''Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I
can't see to pour the
coffee.''

''I can't turn my head because
of the arthritis in my neck.''

''My blood pressure pills make my
dizzy.''

''I guess that's the price we pay for getting old.''


''Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still

drive.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was
in her
cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by
sea
sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and
headed for the
bathroom. It was not until she collided
with an elderly gentleman that
she realized she didn't
have a stitch of clothing on. Horrified,
she let out a
shriek. Her fellow sufferer looked at her
sadly.
''Don't let it bother you, miss,'' he moaned. ''I'll never
live to tell
anyone.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door

of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house

answers. ''Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs
that
people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs
to yard
work, to painting...''

''Painting?'' the woman jumped
in.

''Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter,'' the man
replied, his
face brightening at the realization she could provide him
some work.

''I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some
green paint last
week to paint the porch out back with, but we
haven't had any time. If
you can do a good job, then you can paint it
before he gets home and
surprise him.

''Now, do a particularly
good job and paint the trimmings white also,
and I'll pay you an
extra bonus.''

''Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!'' He
was told the paints
were also around back in the garage.

nA few hours later, the man returns to the door.

''That was
quick, did you do a good job?'' the woman inquires.

''Oh yes Ma'am,
two coats! But there's something you should know,''
the man says.


''That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An elderly couple were
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
by the
highway patrol.

The officer said, ''Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?''

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, ''What did
he say?''

The old man yelled, ''He says you
were speeding!''

The patrolman said, ''May I see your license?''


The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, ''What did
he
say?''

The old man yelled, ''He wants to see your license!''


The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, ''I
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.''


The woman turned to her husband and asked, ''What did he say?''


The old man yells, ''He said he thinks he knows you!''.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the

cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: ''Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing
up in this high wind?''

''Yes, I know,'' said the
lady, ''I need both hands to hold onto this
hat.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she

became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
defend herself.

''Well, Your Honor,'' she replied coolly. ''I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A strained voice called out through the

darkened
theater, ''Please, is there a doctor in the house?!''


Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
''Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

Two really
old guys decided they would go
out and try to play a round of
golf together. They get on the first
tee and the first old guy says to
the
second, ''My eyesight
isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball
for
me?''.
The
second guy says, ''Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit.''
So the first
old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns
to
his
buddy and says, ''Did you see it?''.
''Sure!'', says his
buddy.
''Where did it go?'', the first guy asks.
The second old man thinks for a
minute and says, ''I can't
remember.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

What's the best thing about turning
65?

No more calls from insurance salesmen.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

A tiny but
dignified old lady was among a
group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery.
Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.

''What on
earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is
that?''

He
smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a
mother and her child.''

''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady,
''why isn't
it?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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