Mental health jokes 

''Great news,
Mr. Oscarson,'' the
psychiatrist reported. ''After eighteen months of
therapy, I can
pronounce you finally and completely cured of your
kleptomania. You'll
never be trapped by the desire to steal again.''

''Gee, that's
great, Doc,'' the patient replied.

''And just to prove it, I want you
to stop by Sears on the way home and
walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation
to shoplift
whatsoever.''

''Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?''

''Well,''
suggested the psychiatrist, ''if you DO have a relapse, I
could use a
new microwave.''

One out of every four people is
suffering from some
form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If
they're OK, then it's you.

Patient: I'm really depressed.

Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going
well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing
myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going
to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]

T: Woosh. Splat.

When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the
therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. ''What seems
to be the problem?'' Immediately, the husband held
his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90
miles and hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening
to the wife, the therapist
went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
there - speechless.

He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had

happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, ''Your wife NEEDS that at

least twice a week!''

The husband scratched his head and
replied, ''I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.''

The head doctors in an insane asylum had

a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially
well.
So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When
they get to
the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing
to the
benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down
first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited
cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask
him, '' Why did you put
the newspaper down first?'' He answers, ''So
I'd be higher and have a
better view.''

How many Obsessive-Compulsive P.D. does
to take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But he has to check it 100
times, one for each watt.

How many
Borderline P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. To threaten suicide if you don't
change it for
him/her.

Three patients at a psychiatric clinic
are up for
release. The shrink informs them that they will have to
pass a simple
test. Asking the first patient:
Q. How much is two
plus two?
A: Blue.

At which the kind doctor calls in the
orderly to escort the patient
back to his room.

Turning to
the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To
which the
patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to
remove
the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks,
''How
much is five plus five?'' The patient answers very confidentally:

Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The

patient: ''Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten.''

Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that

people don't give a hoot about anything I say.
Psychiatrist:
So?

How many Dependent P.D. does to take to

change a lightbulb?
None, he's still clinging to the old
lightbulb.

How
many Passive Aggressive P.D.
does to take to change a lightbulb?
Oops.I can't believe I broke the
last one. I guess you'll have to sit
in
the dark.

After hearing that one of the patients

in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling
him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the
rescuer's
file and called him into his office.

''Mr. Haroldson,
your records and your heroic behavior indicate that
you're ready to
go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later
killed
himself with a rope around the neck.''

''Oh, he didn't kill himself,''
Mr. Haroldson replied. ''I hung him up
to dry.''

The
mother of a problem child was
advised by a psychiatrist, ''You are far
too upset and worried about
your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers
regularly.''

On her
next visit the psychiatrist asked, ''Have the tranquilizers
calmed
you down?''

''Yes,'' the boy's mother answered.

''And how is
your son now?'' the psychiatrist asked.

''Who cares?'' the mother
replied.

Three
patients in a mental
institution prepare for an examination given by the
head psychiatrist. If
the patients pass the exam, they will be free to
leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain
them for five
years.

The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving
board
looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first
patient to jump.

The first patient jumps head first into the pool and
breaks both arms.

Then the second patient jumps and breaks both
legs.

The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.

''Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you
jump?'' asked
the doctor.

To which the third patient
answered, ''Well Doc, I can't swim!''

Two psychiatrists were walking down a
hall.

One turned to the other and said, ''Hello.''

The other
one thought, ''I wonder what he meant by that.''

How many Histrionic
P.D. does to
take to change a lightbulb?
''You want me to change the lightbulb? I
could burn my hand! I could be
electrocuted! I could fall off the
ladder and be paralyzed for life!
You
don't love me anymore!''

A doctor of psychology was doing his

normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found
Patient
#1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in
half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.


The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient

replied, ''Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'' The

doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied,
''Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a
lightbulb.'' The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going
all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, ''If he's
your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts
himself''

Patient #1 replies, ''What? And work in the dark?''

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ''Doc, I
keep
having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee;
then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?'' The doctor replies: ''It's
very simple.
You're two tents.''

My therapist told me the way to achieve

true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I
have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel
better already.

Mary was having a tough day
and had
stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought
to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to
her mom and brother, ''Nobody loves me ... the whole
world hates
me!''

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up
at her
and passed on this encouraging word: ''That's not true,
Mary. Some
people don't even know you.''