Mental health jokes 

A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly
remembers an important
meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late
or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the

hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, ''Pardon
me, sir, but do you
have the time?''

The patient calls back,
''One moment!'' and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a
short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the
stick is
vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to
the
pedestrian, saying, ''It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th,
which I believe it is.''

The man
can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch
accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, ''That was
really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?'' The patient holds
up his wrist and says,
''I suppose I'd just look at my watch.''

A group of
psychiatrists were
attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and
walked out
together. One said to the other three, ''People are always
coming to us
with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can
go to
when we have problems.'' The others agreed.

Then one said, ''Since
we are all professionals, why don't we take
some time right now to
hear each other out?''

The other three agreed.

The first
then confessed, ''I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my

patients.''

The second psychiatrist said, ''I love expensive things and so
I find
ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can
so I can buy
the things I want.''

The third followed with,
''I'm involved with selling drugs and often
get my patients to sell
them for me.''

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, ''I know
I'm not supposed to,
but no matter how hard I try, I can't kee
p a secret...''

The
aspiring psychiatrists were
attending their first class on emotional extremes.
''Just to establish
some parameters,'' said the professor to the
student from Arkansas,
''What is the opposite of joy?''

''Sadness,'' said the
student.

And the opposite of depression?'' he asked of the young lady from

Oklahoma.

''Elation,'' said she.

''And you sir,'' he said to
the young man from Texas, ''how about the
opposite of
woe?''

The Texan replied, ''Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.''

Why did the witch go to the
psychiatrist?
Because she thought everybody loved her.

A guy had been feeling down for so long

that he finally decided to seek the aid of a
psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the

profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel
better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat

thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his
face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said,
''Um, I
think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common
among
losers.''

The
psychology instructor had just
finished a lecture on mental health and
was giving an oral
test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, ''How would

you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the
top of
his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping
uncontrollably the
next?''

A young man in the rear raised his hand and
answered, ''A basketball
coach?''

A man
walked into a therapist's
office looking very depressed. ''Doc, you've
got to help me. I can't
go on like this.''

''What's the problem?'' the docotor
inquired.

''Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No
matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away.''

''My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on

your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the

bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun
person, and
an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you.''

The
man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a

bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden

expression on his face.

''Did my advice not work?'' asked the
doctor.

''It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've e
njoyed some of
the best moments in my life with the most fabulous
looking women.''

''So, what's your problem?''

''I don't
have a problem,'' the man replied. ''My wife does.''

What
happens if you tell a
psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
He charges you double.

Psychiatrist: Well, what's
your
problem?
Patient: I prefer brown shoes to black
shoes.
Psychiatrist: There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer
brown
shoes to black shoes. I do myself.
Patient: Really? How do your like
yours - fried or boiled?

A woman entered a psychiatrist's
consulting room
leadind a kangaroo.''I'm worried about my husband,
doctor, '' she said.
''He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! ''

Did you hear about
the auto mechanic
who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying
under the
couch?

Patient: Why did you
charge me a
group rate?
Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

Fred: ''Why are you so upset?''
Harry:
''My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning.''
Fred: ''So
what?''
Harry: ''So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband.
You know,
one of the men I've been telling you about'.''

''The trouble is,'' said the entertainer
to
the psychiatrist, ''that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't
tell
jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or
do magic
tricks or do anything!''
''Then why don't you give up
show business?''
''I can't - I'm a star!''

Why is a psychiatrist like a

squirrel?
Because they are both surrounded by nuts.

What do you know when you see three

rabbits walking down the street wearing tuxedos and top hats?
You
know you need a psychiatrist!

Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm
going
crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.
Amazing ! so you have.
How could that have happened ?
I can't understand it either,
because I planted cabbage !