School jokes 

Father: You were absent on the day of the
test?
Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

''It's clear'' said the teacher, ''That you

haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?'' ''Well, my dad

says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it

settles down!''

Fred came home from his first day at school.
''Nothing exciting
happened'', he told his mother, ''Except the teacher
didn't know how to spell
cat so I told her''

A college business
professor could not help
but notice that one of his students was late to
class for the third
time that week. Before class ended he went around
the room asking
students some questions about the day's lecture. Of
course, he made
sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

''And who was it that developed
the theories behind communism?'' the
professor asked.

''I
don't know,'' the student said.

''Perhaps if you came to class on
time, Mr. Reebs, you would know,''
said the professor.

''That's
not true,'' the student replied. ''I never pay attention
anyway!''

A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: ''Now,
students, if I
stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run
into it, and I should
turn red in the face.''

''Yes, sir,'' the
boys said.

''Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?''


A little fellow shouted, '''It's because yer feet ain't empty.''

The children had all been photographed, and the

teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group

picture. ''Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all
grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or
'That's
Michael, he's a doctor.'''

A small voice from the
back of the room rang out, ''And there's the
teacher; she's still
old, nasty, and wrinkled''

I'm not going back to school ever again
Why
ever not?
The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask

questions!

A student called up his Mom one evening from

his college and asked her for some money, because he was
broke.

His Mother said, ''Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also

left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do
you
want me to send that up too?''

''Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.''
responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up
in a package,
kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to
mail the money and the
book. When she gets back, Dad asked, ''Well how
much did you give the
boy this time?''

''Oh, I wrote two
checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to

him.''

''That's $1020!!!'' yelled Dad, ''Are you going crazy???''

''Don't worry
hon,'' Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald
head, ''I taped
the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the
$1,000 one
somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!''

Introductory
Chemistry was taught at Duke
University for many years by professor Bonk.
One year, two guys took
the class and did pretty well on all the
quizzes and mid-terms--so
much so that going into the final, they each had a
solid A. These
two friends were so confident going into the final that
the weekend
before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on
Monday,
they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with
some
friends.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their
hangovers and
tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't
make it back to
Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking
the final then, they
found professor Bonk after the final and
explained to him how they
missed the final. They told him they went up
to the University of Virgina
for the weekend and had planned to come
back in time to study, but they
had a flat tire on the way
back and didn't have a spare. They couldn't
fix it for a long
time and were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over
and agreed that they could take the final the
following day. The
two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and
went in the
next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed
them in
separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told
them to
begin.

They looked at the first problem which was something simple
about
molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. ''Cool,'' they
thought,
''this is going to be an easy final''. They then turned the
page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The
question contained
only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

A
professor was giving a big test one day
to his students. He handed out all of
the tests and went back to his
desk to wait. Once the test was over,
the students all handed the
tests back in. The professor noticed that one
of the students had
attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying
''A dollar per
point.'' The next class the professor handed the tests
back out. This
student got back his test and $56 change.

One day our
professor was discussing a
particularly complicated concept. A pre-med
student rudely interrupted
to ask, ''Why do we have to learn this
pointless
information''

''To save lives.'' the professor responded quickly and continued the

lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again.
''So how does
physics save lives?'' he persisted.

''It keeps
the ignoramuses like you out of medical school,'' replied
the
professor.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English class one
day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative
forms a positive. In
some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is still a
negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive can
form a negative.''

A voice from the
back of the room piped up, ''Yeah, right.''

Man: ''How's
your history paper
coming?''

Woman: ''Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet
for research, and it's been very helpful.

Man:
''Really?''

Woman: ''Yes! I've already located 17 people who sell
them!''

A student comes to a young
professor's
office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door,
kneels
pleadingly.

''I would do anything to pass this exam.'' She leans closer
to him,
flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. ''I
mean...'' she
whispers, ''...I would do...anything.''

He
returns her gaze. ''Anything?''

''Anything.''

His voice softens.
''Anything??''

''Absolutely anything.''

His voice turns to
a whisper. ''Would you...study?''

A little girl came home from
school and
said to her mother, ''Mommy, today in school I was punished for

something that I didn't do.''

The mother exclaimed, ''But that's
terrible! I'm going to have a talk
with your teacher about this ... by
the way, what was it that you
didn't do?''

The little girl
replied, ''My homework.''

A teacher was having
trouble teaching
arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, ''if you reached
in your right
pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left
pocket and
found another one, what would you have?''

''Somebody else's
pants.''

A mom
and dad were worried about their son
not wanting to learn math at the
school he was in, so they decided
to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school,
their son comes racing into the house, goes
straight into his room
and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a
little worried about this
and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find
him sitting at
his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that
for the rest
of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his
report
card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see
under
math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, ''What changed
your mind
about learning math?''

The son looked at mom and
dad and said, ''Well, on the first day when I
walked into the
classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the
back of the room
behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant
business.''

Teacher: ''Sam, what is the outside of a

tree called?''
Sam: ''I don't know.''
Teacher: ''Bark, Sam,
bark.''
Sam: ''Bow, wow, wow!''

The parents were very disappointed in the

grades that their son brought home. ''The only consolation I can find in

these awful grades,'' lamented the father, ''is that I know he never

cheated during his exams.''

''Dad, can you write in the dark?''
''I think
so. What is it you want me to write?''
''Your name on this report
card.''