Military Jokes 

This Marine drill instructor, completely

frazzled by the ineptitude of his recruits, burst into a blue streak of

swearing hot enough to blister paint. He broke off suddenly when he

noticed one of the recruits had been talking in ranks.


''WHAT WAS THAT YOU SAID, RECRUIT??'' the drill sergeant hollered.

In
a quivering voice, the recruit replied, ''I said, to myself, Drill

Sergeant Sir, 'if that sucker thinks I'm going to stand here and take

his crap . . . well, he's certainly an uncanny judge of

character.

During a visit to a military medical clinic,

I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was

friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he
was due
to leave the service in two months.

As he applied
the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the
blood wouldn't
hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me
what my
husband did.

When I replied that he was a recruiter, the
technician smiled slyly and
said, ''This might hurt a little more than I
thought.''

Following some duty overseas, the officers

at the Fort were planning a welcome home party and dance for the
unit.
Being an all male combat force, they decided to request coeds
from some
of the surrounding colleges to attend. The Captain called
Vassar and
was assured by the Dean that arrangements could be made to
send over a
dozen of their most trustworthy students.

The
Captain hesitated, then said, ''Would it also be possible to send a

dozen or so of the other kind?''

Having passed
the enlistment physical,
Jon was asked by the doctor, ''Why do you want
to join the Navy,
son?''

''My father said it'd be a good idea, sir.''

''Oh? And
what does your father do?''

''He's in the Army, sir.''

The Army Airborne major was used to

harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out
of
perfectly good aircraft. ''Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such
thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,''' the irritated
officer finally
countered one afternoon, ''because they pay you bastards
four times as
much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to
jump.''

''You've got it all wrong, Major,'' an Air Force sergeant
replied.
''The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an
airplane
voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch about the salary.''

We have women
in the military, but they
don't put us in the front lines. They don't
know if we can fight,
if we can kill. I think we can. All the general
has to do is walk
over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over
there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'

Seems there was a
young soldier, who,
just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't
have a
rifle.

''That's no problem, son,'' said the sergeant. ''Here, take this

broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang
Bang'.''

''But what about a bayonet, Sarge?'' asked the young (and gullible)

recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of
the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end. ''Here, use this...
just go, 'Stabity Stab
Stab'.''

The recruit ends up alone on
the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier
charges at him. The recruit points the broom,
''Bangety Bang Bang!''
The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed
at his good luck, goes
''Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!'' He
mows down the enemy by the
dozens. Finally, the battlefield is
clear, except for one German soldier
walking slowly toward him.
n
''Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming.

''Bangety Bang Bang!'' repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets
desperate.
''Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!'' It's no
use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and

says, ''Tankety Tank Tank.''

The Pentagon once did a study on why so many
American Servicemen marry
women in the countries where they're
stationed. Contrary to popular
belief, loneliness had nothing to do
with it. Once the men rotated back to
the US, all their in-laws were
thousands of miles away.

- How many Russians does it take to screw in

a light bulb?
- That is a military secret. If I told you I'd
have to kill you.

-
How many survivors of nuclear war does
it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. People that glow in the
dark don't need lights.

- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a

Scud missile?
- Two. One to launch it, one to watch CNN to find
out where it
landed.

Why did the
army send so many women with
PMS to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water
for 4 days.

Paddy 'n'
Mick join the army, and are
put on street patrol in a city with a
military curfew. They are
given instructions to shoot anybody who's on the
streets after 6
o'clock. So one day, they're out at twenty to 6, when
Paddy spots a
man walking on the other side of the street. He lines up
the man in
his sights and shoots the man dead. Mick is shocked.

''What are
you doin', Paddy? It ain't 6 yet!''

''I know what I'm doin'. I
know where he lives and he wouldn't have
made it!''

A patrol of allied soldiers were in a

ruined city during World War Two. They are bragging and joshing about

how many kills they have so far to keep up courage on their route

through the rubbled buildings.

Sergeant Joe thumps his chest and
proclaims. ''I got me 4 germans
bagged so far. Howabout you
John?''

Before Pfc John can reply, a lone german soldier runs out of a
trashed
hotel. In the process of throwing down his rifle after seeing
the
larger allied soldier group, he shouts ''NEIN!''

Pfc John
takes aim at the enemy and shoots him.

''Well, he wont get
himself a tenth allied soldier.'' Joe all year
long!

A warrant officer was crossing a road one-day
when a frog called
out to him and said, ''If you kiss me, I'll turn
into a beautiful
princess''. He bent over, picked up the frog and
put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, ''If you
kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with
you for one week.'' The
warrant officer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to his pocket.

The frog
then cried out, ''If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.'' Again
the
warrant officer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back

into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, ''What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for
a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?''


The warrant officer said, ''Look I'm an warrant officer. I dont have
time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool.''

At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a
private to
throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran
about 10 yards away
to be safe, and yelled the instructions.
''Pull
the pin, throw and hit the dirt!''
The private proceeds to do so, and
throws the explosive directly at the
sergeant!
A few months
later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men
killed in
battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because
heaven is
well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.'
Responds the
private: ''Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys,''
He thumbs behind
him. ''got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed
to make it
to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled
the pin
and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade
back
onto my belt.''

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the
shower, and
realized that his clothes were missing. And then he
accidentally locked
himself out of the locker room. So now he was
completely naked in the halls
of the headquarters of the most powerful
military organization on the
planet. And he felt pretty ridiculous.
Getting an idea, he walked naked
and purposefully through the
corridors until he reached the Research &
Development laboratory. He walked
in and saluted the Head Scientist.

''I am here to report the
partial success of the personal invisibility
device!''

- What do you think about the coming battle,

General?

- God knows it will be lost.

- Then why
should we go for it?

- To find out who is the loser.

A recruit examines the food served to him

in the batallion dining room.

- Do I have any choice here, he
asks a sergeant.

- Yes, you do. You may eat it or not.

This is the difference between
a lousy
Golfer and a lousy Parachutist.

The lousy Golfer goes splash then
damn.

The lousy Parachutist goes damn then splash.