Military Jokes 

As he was
drilling a batch of recruits,
the sergeant saw that one of them was
marching out of step. Walking
up next to the man as they marched, he said
sarcastically: ''Do you
know they are all out of step except you?''

''What?'' asked the
recruit innocently.

''I said -- they are all out of step except
you!'' thundered the
sergeant.

The recruit replied, ''Well, sarge,
you're in charge -- you tell
them!''

A general noticed one of his soldiers

behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found,
frown
and say, ''That's not it'' and put it down again.

This
went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the
soldier
psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier
was deranged, and wrote out his discharge
from the army.


The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, ''That's it.''

A young naval student
was being put
through the paces by an old sea captain. ''What would you
do if a sudden
storm sprang up on the starboard?'' asked the captain.

''Throw out
an anchor, sir.'' replied the naval student.

''What would you do
if another storm sprang up aft?'' asked the
captain.

''Throw
out another anchor, sir.'' answered the student.

''And if another
terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?''
asked the
captain.

''Throw out another anchor.'' replied the
student.

''Hold on,'' said the Captain. ''Where are you getting all your anchors

from?''

The naval student replied, ''From the same place you're
getting all of
your storms, sir.''

During the Mexican American War, an intense

long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither
side
made any advances.

Finally, an American general had a
bright idea. He aimed his rifle to
the Mexican trenches and yelled,
''Hey, Juan!''

A soldier jumped up and replied, ''What?'' The general
shot him dead.
This continued for three days.

A Mexican
general decided that two could play this game and decided to
try it
out. He called out, ''Hey, John!''

An American replied, ''John isn't
here. Is that you Juan?''

The Mexican general stood up, ''Yeah'' .
. .

In the 1970's, before women
were allowed
to sign up for combat duty, a man was bragging to his
friends about
how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join
the
army.

''But, wait a minute,'' said one listener, ''She'll have to
dress with
the boys and shower with them too. Won't
she?''

''Sure,'' replied the man.

''Well, won't they find out?'' asked his
friend.

The man shrugged and replied, ''But who will tell?''

A solider stationed in the South Pacific
wrote to his wife in the
States to please send him a harmonica to
occupy his free time and keep
his mind off of the local women. The wife
complied and sent the best
one she could find, along with several
dozen lesson and music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to
their home and through the front door.
''Oh darling'' he gushed, ''Come
here. Let me look at you. Let me hold
you! Let's have a fine dinner
out, then make love all night. I've
missed your lovin' so
much.''

The wife, keeping her distance, said, ''All in good time lover.
First,
let's hear you play that harmonica.''

There were three American pilots captured by
Germans in WWII. The
Germans thought up a way to make the pilots
crack and tell what they
knew. They made them stand at attention,
turn their heads from side to
side and say, ''Tick - Tock'' over and
over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started
telling
all he knew, signing everything they put in front
of
him.

An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started
confessing to
things that he didn't even do.

The third pilot was
fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way
cracked. He was
turning his head to one side only and saying,
''Tick...Tick...Tick...''


The German officer in charge went up to him and said, ''You
thinks you
iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make
you
TOCK!''

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for

departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the

truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding
tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving,

and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the

tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his
slowness and promised
punishment, the Airman responded: ''Sir, I have
no stripes, it is 20 below
zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I
am pumping sewage out of
airplanes. Just what are you going to do
to punish me?''

During training exercises, the lieutenant who
was
driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in
the mud
with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. ''Your jeep stuck,
sir?'' asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside ''Nope,'' replied the
colonel,
coming over and handing him the keys ''Yours is.''

Officer: Soldier, do
you have change for
a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to
address an officer! Now let's try it again.
Soldier, do you have
change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

Q: What's the difference between God and
fighter
pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me.''

So the
Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the
troops.
''Listen up, men,'' says the Sergeant. ''Johnson, report to the
mess hall
for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The
rest of
you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way,

Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.''

Later that day
the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. ''Hey,
Sarge, that
was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't
you be a bit more tactful, next time?''

''Yes, sir,'' answered the
Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in
again with,
''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's
mother died. You'd
better go tell him and send him in to see me
. This time be more
tactful.''

So the Sergeant calls for
his morning formation. ''Ok, men, fall in and
listen up.'' ''Everybody
with a mother, take two steps forward.'' ''Not
so fast, McGrath!''

An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths
of
Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However,
he was
not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle
the vendor
down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting
''I don't give
two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my
own!''
The shopkeeper replied, ''By all means. Just watch out for the
two
Marines who are doing the same.
''So the Ranger went out into
the Bayou, and after a while saw two men
with spears, standing
still in the water. ''They must be the two
Marines,'' he thought. Just at
that point he noticed an alligator moving in
the water towards one
of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even
as the gator
came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow
him, the
Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up
onto the
beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw
nthe gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed ''Damn! This one

doesn't have any shoes either!''

Having just moved
into his new office, a
pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk
when a PFC knocked on
the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked
up the phone,
told the PFC to enter, then said into the phone,
''Yes, General, I'll
be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along
your message. In the
meantime, thank you for your good wishes,
sir.''
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressedthe young enlisted
man,
he asked, ''What do you want?''
''Nothing important, sir,'' the
PFC replied, ''I'm just here to hook
up your telephone.''

A sailor in the Navy who had been at
sea
for a long time was anxious to be reunited with his girlfriend, so

he sent her the following message a few days before his ship was due

back in port: ''I have missed you so much and I can't wait to make
love
to you. I want you to come down to the pier to meet me, and I
want you
to bring the station wagon and have a mattress ready in the
back so we
can do ''it'' as soon as I step ashore.''

The young
lady who was just as anxious to make love, sent him a reply:
''I
will get the station wagon ready as you said, but you had better be

the first one off that ship, sailor, because I am not checking I.D.

cards.''

Two men were boasting to each other about
their
old army days.

''Why, my outfit was so well drilled,''
declared one, ''that when they
presented arms all you could hear was
slap, slap, click.''

''Very good,'' conceded the other, ''but when my
company presented arms
you'd just hear slap, slap,
jingle.''

''What was the jingle?'' asked the first. ''Oh,'' replied the other

offhand, ''just our medals.''

The chief of staff of the US Air
Force
decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting
crisis
affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force

base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be

invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new
F-15 Fighter, a pair
of twin brothers who looked like they had just
stepped off a Marine
Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The
chief of staff walked up to
them, stuck out his hand and introduced
himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, ''Son, what
skills can you
bring to the Air Force?''

The young man looks
at him and says, ''I'm a pilot!''

The general gets all excited,
turns to his aide and says, ''Get him in
today, all the paper work
done, everything, do it!''

The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second
young man and asked, ''What s
kills to you bring to the Air Force?''

The young man says, ''I
chop wood!''

''Son,'' the general replies, ''we don't need wood
choppers in the Air
Force, what do you know how to do?''

''I
chop wood!''

''Young man,'' huffs the general, ''you are not listening
to me, we
don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!''


''Well,'' the young man says, ''you hired my brother!''

''Of
course we did,'' says the general, ''he's a pilot!''

The young man
rolls his eyes and says, ''So what! I have to chop it
before he can
pile it!''

The General went out to find that none of his

G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.


''Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little

late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down,

found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and
now
I'm here.''

The General was very skeptical about this
explanation but at least he
was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments
later, eight more G.I.s came up
to the general panting, he asked
them why they were late.

''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a
little late, I ran to the bus
but missed it, I hailed a cab but it
broke down, found a farm, bought a
horse but it dropped dead, ran 10
miles, and now I'm here.''

The General eyed them, feeling very
skeptical but since he let the
first guy go, he let them go, too. A
ninth G.I. jogged up to the General,
panting heavily.


''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus

but missed it, I hailed a cab but...''

''Let me guess,'' the
General interrupted, ''it broke down.''

''No,'' said the G.I.,
''there were so many dead horses in the road, it
took forever to get
around them.''

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked
the
Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says ''Are you
crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you
already want a 3-day
pass? You must do something spectacular for that
recognition!''


So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The
CO was so impressed, he asked ''How did you do it?''

''Well, I
jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up,
the
Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, ''Do
you
want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!''

The first
woman recruit in the Army
reported for duty and was told that although her
quarters would be in a
separate building, she was to mess with the men.

It wasn't
until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant
to eat her
meals with them.