Irish Jokes 

|Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, ''I stopped it!'' ''I know, you idiot!'' said the man. ''I was pushing it!''

|Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. ''Did you see the paper?'' asked Gallagher. ''They say I died!!'' ''Yes, I saw it!'' replied Finney. ''Where are you callin' from?''

|It was general question time on the ''Top of the World'' quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: ''Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ....'' The Hungarian answered quickly: ''Station - S T A T I O N.'' Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: ''Old MacDonald had a ....'' ''Ranch,'' was the reply, ''R A N C H.'' Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: ''Old MacDonald had a....'' ''Farm,'' the Irishman proudly stated. ''Correct,'' said the host. ''Now spell the word farm.'' The Irishman thought for a moment. ''E I E I O.''

|O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. ''Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,'' he told the priest. ''I understand my son,'' says the priest. ''Can you make a Novena?'' O'Toole said, ''Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.''

|Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' said the prison guard ''Nothing'' said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' ''Oh'', replied the Irishman, ''I'll take the German''.

|Murphy said to his daughter, ''I want you home by eleven o'clock.'' She said, ''But Father, I'm no longer a child!'' He said, ''I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.''

|MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.''What are ye doing?'' asked O'Bannon.''Fishin','' said MacAndrews.''Caught anything?''''Ach, nae a bite,''''What are ye usin' fer bait?''''Worms''''Let me see it,'' said O'Bannon.MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.''Have ye got a bite?'' asked O'Bannon.''No!'' shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, ''The worm's got a salmon by the throat!''

|It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: ''Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,''Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.''And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, ''I don't understand it!'' The young beauty answered, ''Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.''

|An English man and an Irish man are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving to fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Irish man goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of Jameson whiskey. He hands the bottle to the English man, whom exclaims,' may the English and the Irish live together forever, in peace, and harmony.' The English man then tips the bottle and lashes half of it down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Irish man, whom replies: ' no tanks, I'll just wait till the Garda get here!'

|Pat was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, ''Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again''

|An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says, ''Oy vey! What a wreck!'' The priest asks him, ''Are you all right, Rabbi?'' The Rabbi responds, ''Just a little shaken.'' The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, ''Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.'' The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, ''Well, what are we going to tell the police?'' ''Well,'' the priest says, ''I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'.''

|An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, ''Johnson, the pole vault,'' and was admitted.The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, ''McTavish, the hammer.'' He was also admitted.The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, ''O'Sullivan, fencing.''

|An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. ''You see that, I reckon,'' said he to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. ''And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?'' ''Riding alone,'' coolly replied Paddy.

|An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few ''squalls'' received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels. ''Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.'' ''If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.''

|In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. ''Four glasses of ale,'' was the reply. ''Next?'' ''Two glasses of whiskey.'' ''Next?'' ''One glass of brandy.'' ''Next?'' ''A fight.''

|In West Kerry, the wife commented, ''When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more....'' ''Nonsense, darling,'' replied the husband, ''you cook better now.''

|Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say ''Enough.'' Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, ''Enough!'' As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, ''Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?'' ''I do,'' says Casey, ''but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

|Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, ''If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here.'' Casey mumbled, ''If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here.''

|Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, ''I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.'' So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, ''Who are you??'' Mrs. Riley replied, ''I am the devil!'' With that, Riley shook her hand and said, ''Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.''