Dirty Jokes 

A couple just got married, and when the husband
went back
to his house
he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the
man returned home to find her
in the kitchen. He asked her what she
has been up to and why she hasnt
been home for so long.

She
replied:
''These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a
week.''
The husband answered:
''But it's only been two days what
do u mean a week?''

''I am only here to get something to eat.''

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After

listening to the instructor for
what seems like days, he is ready
to go. Excited, he jumps out of the
airplane.
About five seconds
later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He
tries
again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He

pulls
that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling
both cords,
but to no
avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he
can't believe his eyes. Another man is
in the air
with him, but
this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by,

the
skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, ''Hey, do you

know
anything about skydiving?''

The other guy yells back,
''Fuck no! Do you know anything about
lighting gas
stoves?''

Three guys are
drinking in a bar when a
drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and
points at the guy in the
middle, shouting, ''Your mom's the best sex
in town!''
Everyone expects
a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off
and
bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk

comes back,
points at the same guy, and says, ''I just did your mom,
and it was
sw-e-et!''
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and
the drunk goes back to the
far end
of the bar. Ten minutes
later, he comes back and announces, ''Your mom
liked it!''
Finally the
guy interrupts. ''Go home, Dad, you're drunk!''

The president got off the helicopter in

front of the
White House with a baby hog under each arm. The
Marine
guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
''Nice pigs, sir''.
The president replied, ''These are
not pigs, these are authentic
Arkansas Razorback hogs.
I got one for Hillary and I got one for
Chelsea.''
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and
replied,
''Nice trade, sir.''

A man wakes up early one morning and
decides
to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife, ''You've got three choices;
you can go Bear hunting
with me,
I'll do you anally or you can
give me a blowjob.
I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.

Make up your mind before I get back.
''The man returns twenty
minutes later and says, ''Well what's it
gonna be?
''She say's,
''There's no way I'm going Bear hunting
and you're not doing my ass
so I guess it's a blowjob.
''A couple minutes later she starts
choking and spitting and says,
''Jesus, you taste like shit.''''Oh yeah,''
he replies,
''The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either.''

On the first day
of college, the Dean
addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules, saying,
''The
female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the
male dormitory to the female students.
Anyone caught breaking this
rule once will be fined $50.''

He continued, ''Anyone caught
breaking this rule a second
time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will
incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any
questions?''

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, ''How
much
for a season pass?''

One day a teacher was asking her class to use
absolutely in
a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the
sky is absolutely blue,
the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is
black or has different
colors.
Another little boy raised his
hand and said
''the leaves on the trees are absolutely green'' the
teacher said no,
they could be different colors at different times of
the year.
Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where
lumps in farts,
the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And
Little Johnny said,
'' well then I absolutely just shit in my
pants!!!!''

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the

town's morals, publicly accused her
neighbor George of being an
alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck
parked
outside the
town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said
nothing. Later that
evening, he
parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all
night.

Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay
bottom goes to his
doctor. The
physician prescribes suppositories,
but when it comes time to use them
the young
man is afraid he
will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and
bends over
and
looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All
of
a
sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.

''Oh,
stop it,'' the young man scolds his organ, ''it's only
me.''

A salesman was testifying in
his divorce
proceedings against his wife. ''Please
describe,'' said his attorney,
''the incident that first caused you to
entertain
suspicions as to
your wife's fidelity.''

''Well, I'm pretty much on the road all
week,'' the man testified.
''So naturally
when I am home, I'm
attentive to the wife.'' ''One Sunday morning,''
he continued,
''we were
in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in
the
apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you
at
least stop all
that racket on the weekends?'

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They
talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to
her place, and as she shows him around her
apartment, he notices
that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy
bears.
Hundreds of
small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium
sized
ones
on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along
the
wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would
have a collection of
teddy
bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but he decides not to
mention this to her.
He turns to
her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes
off and make
love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there
together in
the
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling,

''Well, how was it?''
The woman says, ''You can have any prize

A murderer,
imprisoned for life, broke free
after 15 years and was on
the run. He broke into a house and tied up
the young couple he found
in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one
side of the room and his
wife to the bed. The helpless husband
watched him get on the bed,
straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her
neck. His wife started to
move her head violently, at which the man got
up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and
hissed, ''Darling, I saw him kissing you.
He probably hasn't seen a
woman in years. Please cooperate. If he
wants to have sex, just go
along with it and even pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't
fight him or make him mad. Our lives may
depend on it!''

''Darling,'' the wife said, spitting out her gag.
''I'm so relieved
you
feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was
whispering to me. He told
me he thinks you're really cute and
asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom.''

Once upon a time, a guy was
sitting at a
bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar
tips and
buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of
adoring
women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of
curious about a little
man that
would jump from the rich guy's
pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar,
kicking
over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the
little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The
barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says,
''Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one
day, and I come across this lamp.
I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish
was to be fabulously wealthy.

Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.''
The barman
asks, ''So what about that little guy in your jacket?''
''Oh, tha
t,'' mumbles the rich guy. ''That's the twelve-inch prick I
wished
for.''

A little boy returning home from his first day
at
school said to his mother,
''Mom, what's sex?'' His mother, who
believed in all the most modern
educational
theories, gave him a
detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the

tricky
subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment
form
which
he had brought home from school and said, ''Yes, but how am I
going to
get all
that into this one little square?''

As a hooker
was dressing, she turned to her
customer and asked, ''Have you just
gotten out of
prison?''

''Yeah,'' the guy replied. ''How did you guess? Is it because I wanted
to
have sex
from the rear?''

''Partly.'' She said. ''But more
because when we finished, you ran
around in front
of me, bent over,
and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'''

An old man and his
wife lived deep in the
hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell
his goods and asked the man if he or
his wife
wanted to buy
something. ''Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down
to the
creek
to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got,'' said the man. The

peddler showed
him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man
wasn't
interested. Then
the man spotted a mirror and said,
''What's that?'' Before the peddler
could tell
him it was a mirror, the
old man picked it up and said, ''My God how'd
you get a
picture
of my Pappy?'' The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's

best
pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and
spoiled
his sale.
The old man was worried that the wife would be mad
at him for trading
her best
pitcher, so he hid it in the barn
behind some boxes of junk. He would
go out to
the barn 2 or 3
times a day to look at the ''picture'' and eventually
the wife
got
suspicious. One day she got fed up and after he retired for the
night,
she went
out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the
boxes, picked it up and
said,

''so this is the hussy he's been
foolin' around with!''

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair
when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's
table.

Said the mysterious old woman, ''For fifteen dollars, I
can read your
love line and tell your romantic future.''

Paul readily agreed and
the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, ''I can see that
you have no
girlfriend.''

''That's true,'' said
Paul.

''Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?''

''Yes,''
Paul shamefully admitted. ''That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this
from my love line?''

''Love line? No, from the calluses and
blisters.''

The Smith's were proud of their family
tradition. Their
ancestors
had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators
and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to
compile a family history, a legacy for their
children and
grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one
problem arose -- how to
handle that great-uncle George, who was
executed in the electric
chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The
book appeared. It said, ''Great-uncle George occupied a chair
of
applied electronics at an important government institution, was
attached
to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death
came as a
great shock.''

Two deaf
people get married. During the
first week of marriage, they find
that they are unable to communicate in
the bedroom when they turn off
the
lights because they can't
see each other using sign language. After
several nights of fumbling
around and misunderstandings, the wife
decides to find a solution.
''Honey,'' she signs, ''Why don't we agree
on some
simple
signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with
me,

reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to

have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.'' The
husband
thinks
this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
''Great idea, Now if
you
want to have sex with ME, reach over and
pull on my penis one time. If
you
don't want to have sex, reach
over and pull on my penis......fifty
times''

A husband and wife love to golf together, but
neither of
them are playing
like they want to, so they decide to
take private lessons.The husband
has
his lesson first. After the
pro sees his swing, he says, ''No, no,
no,''
you're gripping the
club way too hard!'' ''Well, what should
I do?'' asks the man. ''Hold
the club gently,'' the pro replied, ''just
like
you'd hold your
wife's breast.''The man takes the advice, takes a
swing, and

WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.The man goes

back
to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her

lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches
her
swing and
says, ''No, no, no, you're gripping the club way
too hard.'' ''What
can I do?''
asks the wife.''Hold the club gently,
just like you'd hold your
husband's penis.'' The wife listens
carefully to the pro's advice,
takes a swing,
and THUMP. The
ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
''That was
great,''the pro says. ''Now, take the club out of your mouth
and

swing the club like you're supposed to!'' says the pro.