Dirty Jokes 

A guy went out on the golf course took a

high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the
ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said, ''How bad
is it doc?
I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a
virgin in
every way.'' The doc said, ''I'll have to put your penis
in a splint to
let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay
by next week.'' So
he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4-sided bandage,
and wired it all together; an impressive
work of art. The guy mentioned
none of this to his girl. They got
married and on the honeymoon night
in their hotel room, she rips open
her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set
of breasts. This was the first
time he saw them, and she said,You'll be
the first; no one has ever
touched them before.'' He tore off his pants
and said, ''Look at
this. It's still in the crate!''

Why were men given larger brains
than
dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe

and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They

didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they
told him
that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb,
and that the
woman with really big tits were really really dumb.
When they got to
the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son
and asked where his
dad was. The boy said, ''Well, the last time I
saw him he was talking
to this really, really, really dumb blond,
and the longer they talked
the dumber he got.''

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make
love?
Because they have cotton balls.

What do you get when you cross an Owl
and a
Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.

An eighty year old couple decide to
try for
a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce
a
sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the

bottle is empty. ''What's the problem?'' asks the doctor. ''Well,''

says the old man, ''First I tried it with my right hand, then my left.

Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she
tried
it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still
can't get
the lid off the bloody bottle.''

One day, little
Mikey comes home from
kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in
the kitchen, or the
living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the
door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also
come home for
lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked,
heavily
into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy,
the
parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a

couple of minutes asks, ''Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy

ride?'' ''Of course, Son, we're a family.'' So Mikey climbs on and after a

few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
''Hang
on Dad!'', cries Mikey, ''this is where me and the mailman usually
fall
off!''

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked
up to his
wife and pinched her on her butt and said, ''You know if
you firmed this
up we could get rid of your girdle.'' While this was
on the edge of
intolerable, she thought herself better and replied
with silence. The next
morning the man woke his wife with a pinch
on the breast and said,
''You know if you firmed these up we could
get rid of your bra.'' This was
beyond a silent response, so she
rolled over and grabbed him by the
penis. With a death grip in place she
said, ''You know if you firmed this
up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the poolman and your
brother.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate

that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this

makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, ''I know the whole
truth.''
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes
home, and as
he is greeted by his mother he says, ''I know the whole
truth.'' His
mother quickly hands him $20 and says, ''Just don't tell
your father.''
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get
home from work, and
greets him with, ''I know the whole truth.'' The
father promptly hands
him $40 and says, ''Please don't say a word to
your mother.'' Very
pleased, the boy is on his way to school the
next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, ''I know the whole
truth.'' The mailman immediately
drops the mail, opens his arms, and
says, ''Then come give your real
father a big hug.''

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes

during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After
a while the boy stops. ''You know we've been doing this for a few

weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way,'' he pleads.

''Well, maybe,'' she says, ''But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides

all those people at the field may hear us.'' The boy stops and says,

''Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll
stop.
But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever
guess what
we're really doing.'' The girl agrees so they quickly
take off their
clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later
people watching the
game hear sounds echoing through the quiet
countryside so loudly that
the teams stop playing.
''Moooo ..... Moooooo
...... Moooooooon River .......!''

The kindergarten
class had a homework
assignment to find out about something exciting and
relate it to the
class the next day. When the time came for the little
kids to give
their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was
reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he
sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie

walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a

small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the
teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so
she
asked him just what that was. ''It's a period,'' reported
Johnnie.
''Well I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about
a
period.'' ''Damned if I know,'' said Johnnie, ''but this morning my
sister
said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy
fainted and the
man next door shot himself.''

A woman walks into her accountant's office and
tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
''Before we
begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.'' He gets her name,

address, social security number, etc. and then asks, ''What is your

occupation?'' The woman replies, ''I'm a whore.'' The accountant balks and

says, ''No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's

try to rephrase that.'' The woman, ''OK, I'm a prostitute.''. ''No,

that is still too crude. Try again.'' They both think for a minute,
then
the woman states, ''I'm a chicken farmer.'' The accountant asks,

''What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a

prostitute?''. ''Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.''

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her
arm. The wife
turns over and says ''I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'' The
husband, rejected, turns
over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he
rolls back over and taps
his wife again. This time he whispers in
her ear, ''Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?''

One day there were
two boys playing by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went
over to it and the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush so
long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The
two boys
were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a
sudden
the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't
understand
why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught

up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, ''My

mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I
felt
something getting hard, so I ran.''

A man walked into an appliance store and asked

the price of a 25'' remote controlled color television set. ''One

dollar,'' the clerk replied. ''You've got to be kidding.'' ''Look, Mac,''
the
clerk said, ''do you want it or not?'' Of course, the customer
gave him
a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the
suctomer saw
a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.
''How much for
that?'' he asked the clerk. ''Fifty cents,'' came the
reply. The
customer forked over the half dollar, saying, ''What the
heck is going on
here?'' ''Nothing is goining on here,'' the clerk
snapped. ''But my boss
is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing
to her, I'm doing to
his business.''

A girl
brings a guy home one night. They get
into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do ''69''.
''What the hell is that?'' asks the guy.
Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,''I put my head
between your legs and you
put your head between mine.'' Still not knowing
what she's talking
about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees
to try it. The
second they get in to the position, she lets go a
rip-roaring fart.
''What was that for?'' he asks. ''Oops! Sorry, lets try it
again.'' she
says. So, they get into position again, and once more she
lets one
loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. ''Wait,
where
are you going?'' she asks. The guy says, '' If you think I'm

sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet
arrives.
- Give me some roll, Winnie!
- It's not a roll, it's a
bun.
- Give me some bun, Winnie!
- It's not a bun, it's a bap.
-
Give me some bap, Winnie!
- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain
in the neck! You can't
even make up your mind!

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river

and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:
- Hey
pals, let me have a whiff.
- Get lost, oh green one!
- Come on guys,
just one!
- Go %@~# yourself!
So what would you do? Well, the
crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in
his place.
Winnie, inhaling,
is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a

crocodile.
- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

A man goes to the doctor and says, ''Doc, you

have to help me!''
The doctor asks, ''What's your problem?''
The
guy says, ''Every morning I wake up with my 'morning

flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I

carpool
with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow
job during the
ride
to work. Once I get there, I do some work
and then at morning tea time,
I
go into the photocopy room and
crank one out with one of the young
office
girls. At lunch, I take
my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good
boning. For
afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and
slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give
the
wife
another screw.......''
''So...????'' asked the doctor. ''What's your
problem???''
The guy says, ''Well, it hurts when I masturbate!''

An American tourist went into
a restaurant
in a Spanish provincial city for
dinner, and asked to be served the
specialty of the house. When the
dish
arrived, he asked what kind
of meat it contained.

''Senor, these are the cojones,'' the waiter
replied.

''The what, you say?'' exclaimed the
tourist.

''They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,''

explained the
waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway,
and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked
for the same dish. After he
finished
the meal, the tourist
commented to the waiter: ''Today's cojones are
much
saltier and
smaller than the ones I had yesterday.''

''True, senor,'' agreed the
waiter. ''You see the bull, he does not
always lose.''