Dirty Jokes 

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along
a
country road one
night when all of a sudden they hit a pig,
killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse
and explain to the
owners what
had happened. About one hour
later Bill sees his driver staggering back
to the
car with a bottle
of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his
clothes
all
ripped and torn.
''What happened to you?'' asked Bill.

''Well,
the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and
his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.''

''My God, what
did you tell them?'' asks Clinton.

The driver replies, ''I'm Bill
Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the pig.''

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek
they decided to bet
it's other
100 euros who is going to make
their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with
their wives so they make them
scream.
The next day the
meet.

The Italian says, ''I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was

screaming
for at least 1 1/2 hours.''

The German says,
''That's nothing, I start licking my
wife for two hours and she was
screaming the whole time and half hour
after that.''

The Greek
says, '' That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten

minutes,
I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still

screaming.''

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and

asked to join her former husband,
Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, ''We
have five million Walter Smiths.
Give us a
little
clue.''

The woman said, ''My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that

if I ever
slept with another man he'd turn over in his
grave.''

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. ''Take her to Turning

Walter!''

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a
few items.
She headed for the
express line where the clerk was
talking on the phone with his back
turned to
her.

''Excuse
me,'' she said, ''I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out,

please?''

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and
down,
smiled and
said, ''Not bad.''

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a
nursing home having a
chat. ''How are
you, Richard?'' asked George.
''I'm not feeling too good today, I'm
utterly
exhausted,'' replied
Richard. ''I've pulled a muscle, and it's
killing me.''
''I'm
surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired,'' said George.

Richard
yawned and said, ''Well, it does if you pull it a hundred
times in one
night.''

Harry approached a prostitute and asked, ''How
much for a blow job
?''.
''Hundred Bucks''.
''OK'', he said and
began to jerk off.
''What the hell are you doing that for?''
''For
hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy
one, do
you ?''

While away at a convention, an
executive
happened to meet a young woman who was
pretty and intelligent. When he
persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel
room, he
found out she had
a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive

found
himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive
walked from the shower into the
bedroom
to find his wife covered in
a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her
face
creamed, munching
candy loudly while she pored through a movie
magazine.

Then,
without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, ''Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of

a bitch.
Now I know why they call you a prick!''

During a funeral for a woman
who had
henpecked her husband, drove her
kids half nuts, scrapped with the
neighbors at the slightest
opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat
and dog with her
explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into
the grave, a violent
thunderstorm broke,
and the pastor's
benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of
lightning, followed by
terrific thunder.
''Well, at least we know she got there all right,''
commented her
husband

A knight and his
men returned to their
castle after a hard day of fighting. ''How
are we faring?'' asked the king.
''Sire!'' replied the knight, ''I have
been robbing
and pillaging
on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies
to
the
west.'' ''What?'' shrieked the king, ''I don't have any enemies to the

west!'' ''Oh!''
said the knight, ''Well, you do now.''

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day
and
trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast
room looking
rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met
him in the hallway. She
greeted him smilingly and
asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones
allowed that not all was well; in fact, his
penis had died during the
night. Ms. Smith knew that
Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off
mentally, so
she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the
bad
news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his
way to breakfast
again but on this day he was dressed in a coat
and
tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure
enough, he
met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although
somewhat startled -- she calmly
reminded him that the
day before he had told her his penis had died
and
asked why it was hanging out of his pants.

Mr. Jones
replied simply, ''Today is the viewing.''

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find

a substitute in place of his
regular teacher.

She says,
''Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class
remember
it
has an ''r'' after the first letter.''

The entire class says,
''Hello Mrs. Prussy.''

A few days later the regular teacher is
still sick when Little Johnny
gets to
his desk the teacher asks
what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher,
''I remember it has an
''r'' after
the first
letter.''

''That's right!'' she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny
says, ''Mrs. Crunt?''

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when

forty people from New
York City showed up. Never having seen
anyone from the Big Apple at
heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would
have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to
admit the ten most
virtuous people from the group. A few minutes
later, Saint Peter
returned to God breathless and said, ''They're
gone!'' ''What? All of
the New Yorkers are gone?'' asked God. ''No!'' replied
Saint Peter.
''The Pearly Gates!''

A
man and woman are riding up in an
elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says, ''Can I smell your
pussy?''

She replies, ''Hell no!''

The man says, ''Well, it must be
your feet then.''

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were
having
breakfast. Sam said to Harry,
''Harry, why do you have a
suppository in your ear?''

Harry took the suppository out, looked it
over and said, ''Sam, I'm
really glad
you saw this thing, now I
think I know where my hearing aid is.''

''Ever
since we got married, my wife has
tried to change me. She got me to stop
drinking, smoking and running
around until all hours of the night. She
taught me
how to dress
well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical
music,
even
how to invest in the stock market.''

''Sounds like you may be
bitter because she changed you so
drastically,'' remarked
his
friend.

''I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't
good
enough for me.''

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force

One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, ''You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy.''
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, ''Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy.''
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, ''I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy.''
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, ''I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole

country happy.''

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
''I've got a
big
problem, doctor.''
''Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell.'' ''My dear,''
the doctor said, ''that's
completely
natural.
I don't see
what the problem is.''
''The problem is,'' she complained,
''it wakes
me up!''

Scott finally got his
girlfriend into bed,
and things were going hot and heavy.

''Slow down, baby,'' she said.
''Foreplay is an art.''

''You better get your canvas ready soon,''
he panted, ''because I'm
about to spill
my paint!''

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, ''Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your

Twinkie.''

She says, ''I know. I'm gonna get boobs too.''

A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.

She said, ''Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off.''