Police Jokes 

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who
were
training to become detectives. To test their skills in
recognizing a
suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and
then hides
it.

''This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?''

The first blonde answers, ''That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because
he only has one eye!''

The policeman says,
''Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his

PROFILE.''

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, ''This is your

suspect, how would you recognize him?''

The second blonde giggles,
flips her hair and says, ''Ha! He'd be too
easy to catch because he
only has one ear!''

The policeman angrily responds, ''What's the
matter with you two?? Of
course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING
because it's a picture of
his profile!! Is that the best ans
wer you can come up with?''

Extremely frustrated at this point,
he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, ''This is your suspect, how would
you recognize
him?''

He quickly adds ''...think hard before giving me a stupid
answer.''

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,

''Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses.''

The policeman is
surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
know himself if the
suspect wears contacts or not. ''Well, that's an
interesting
answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get
back to you on that.''

He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file
in his computer, and comes back with a
beaming smile on his face. ''Wow!
I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were
you able to make such an astute
observation?''

''That's e
asy,'' the blonde replied. ''He can't wear regular glasses
because
he only has one eye and one ear.''

A deputy
police officer responded to a
report of a barroom disturbance. The
''disturbance'' turned out to be
well over six feet tall and weighed almost
300 pounds. What's more,
he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali
too.

Said the policeman, ''I'll bet that you're also an escape

artist-probably better than Houdini.''

The giant nodded.

''If I
had some chains,'' the deputy continued, ''you could show us how

strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why

don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?''

Once in
the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
''I
can't get out of these,'' the giant growled.

''Are you sure?'' the
deputy asked. The fellow tried again. ''Nope,''
he replied. ''I can't
do it.''

''In that case,'' said the deputy, ''you're under

arrest.''

The man was in no shape to drive, so
he
wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking

unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

''What are you doing out
here at 2 A.M.?'' said the officer.

''I'm going to a lecture.''
the man said.

''And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?''
the cop asked.

''My wife.'' said the man.

Police officer: Excuse me, but your
dog has
been chasing a man on his bicycle.

Dog owner: Are you crazy? My
dog can't even ride a bicycle.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked
to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the
police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast
the call and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to
respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a
leash, the
blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his
dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face
in her hands, she moaned: ''I come home to find all my
possessions
stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send
me a BLIND policeman!''

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde
were
robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the
store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop
kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, ''meow'', the cop
says, ''oh,
its only a cat''

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says,
''woof, woof''. The cop
says, ''its only a dog''.

He kicks the
third bag, and the blonde says, ''potato''

A cop pulls a guy over for weaving across two
lanes of
traffic.

He walks up to the drivers window and asks, ''You
drinkin'?''

The driver said, ''You buyin'?''

While driving down the
road the motorist
saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting
under an
umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The
motorist
passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All
of a
sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune

teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to

slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car
and
suddenly began slapping and beating her.

A policeman
passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the
ground.
After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, ''What do
you
think you're doing?''

After a moment the man replied, ... ''Well,
I've always wanted to
strike a happy medium.''

An elderly woman had just returned to her home

from an evening worship service and was startled to find an
intruder in
her house.

Catching the man in the act of burglarizing
her home, she yelled,
''STOP! Acts 2:38!'' (''Repent and be baptized,
every one of you, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.'')

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the
woman calmly called the
police and explained what she had done.
Shortly, several officers
arrived and took the man into
custody.

As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers

asked, ''Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a

scripture verse.''

''Scripture?'' replied the
burglar.

''She said she had an axe and two 38's!''

Polceman:
''I'm afraid that I'm going to
have to lock you up for the night.''

Man: ''What's the
charge?''

Polceman: ''Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the

service.

A police officer pulls a guy
over for
speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your
driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for
this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove
box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed
the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes,
sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.

The
car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached
the
driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I
see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was
valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine,
officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the
car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's

a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said
there's a body
in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no
body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said
you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in
the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several

weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every

summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there
for a
week or two.

One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian
friend to visit him. The
friend, happy to get anything free from a
lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the
time came, they spent a wonderful
time, getting up early every morning
and enjoying the great
outdoors.

One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were
picking
raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were
approached
by two huge bears--a male and a female.

The
lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however,
was
not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him
whole.

Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the

nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his hig
h-powered
rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer.
All the while,
he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his
friend's family. He just
had to save his friend.

Luckily, the
bears were still there. ''He's in THAT one!'' cried the
lawyer,
pointing to the male.

The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun,
took careful aim, and
shot the female.

''What did you do that
for?!'' exclaimed the lawyer, ''I said he was in
the other
bear!''

''Exactly,'' replied the sheriff. ''Would you believe a lawyer who
told
you that the Czech was in the male?''

One Day
Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were
driving along in their car when Trouble
suddenly hurled himself out
of the window.

Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do
so they went to the
police station. When they got there the chief
asked them their names.

''Shut Up'', replied Shut
Up.

''Stupid'', replied Stupid.

The police chief thought these people were
telling him to shut up, and
were calling him stupid. Which made him
very mad. ''Excuse Me!''
shouted the chief.

Thinking the chief
was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there

names.

''Shut Up!''

''Stupid!''

The police chief was very riled. He
then asked'' Are you looking for
trouble?''!!!

Stunned at the
idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for
their friend,
they replied,''Why yes, how did you know?''

My
horoscope read, ''You're going places
and you can't be stopped.''

Apparently the cop who gave me a
ticket hadn't read it.

Q: Why would it be
difficult to be a police
officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local
police station, along with
her next-door neighbor, to report that
her husband was missing. The
policeman asked for a description of the
missing man.

The wife said, ''He is 35 years old, 6-foot
4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children.''

The
next-door neighbor protested, ''Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches,
chubby,
bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.''

The wife
replied, ''Yes, but who wants HIM back?''

On a narrow mountain's road a man saw a police
car driving
uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving
backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find the place to
make u-turn on
the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man
saw the same police car driving downhill
backwards again.
- But
guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We have found the place
to make u-turn up there.

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.


Cop: ''Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?''


Sister: ''Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.''


Cop: ''Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the

highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting
me know. I'll be more
careful.

At this point the cop looks
in the backseat where the other nuns are
shaking and trembling.


Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back
there?
They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just
got off of highway 119.

Q: What problems would
you face if you were
arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot
faster.

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies

changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.