Police Jokes 

- Santa Claus, one
smart and one stupid
policeman are walking together when they spotted
hundred dollars on
the ground. Who will take the money?
- ???
- Stupid policeman,
since Santa Claus and the smart policeman don't
exist.

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident

- body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces
are
and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: ''Head on

bullevard'' and scratchs out his spelling error. ''Head on bouelevard''
Nope,
doesn't look right - scratch scratch. ''Head on boolevard...''
dang it!
Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is
looking at him
as he kicks the head. ''Head on curb.''

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the
policeman, ''Can I park here?''
''No,'' says the cop.
''What about all these
other cars?''
''They didn't ask!''

When Mike got arrested, they told him,
''Anything you say will be held
against you.''

Mike said, ''Claudia
Schiffer's breasts.''

While the pope was
visiting the USA, he
told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge
to drive. The
driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream
of
questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel,
while his
driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing
between 70 and 80 mph, when a
policeman happened to see them. As he
pulled them over, he called in to
headquarters reporting a speeding
limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: ''Who is in the limo,
the mayor?''
The policeman told him: ''No, someone more important than
the mayor.''

Then the chief asked ''Is it the governor?''
The
policeman answered: ''No, someone more important than the

governor.''

The chief finally asked: ''Is it the President?''
The policeman
answered: ''No, someone even more important than the

President.''

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: ''Now who is m
ore
important than the President?!''
The policeman calmly
wispered: ''I'll put it to you this way chief. I
don't know who is this
guy, but he has the pope as his
chauffeur.''

I went to
the store the other day. I was
only in there for about five minutes,
and when I came out there was a
motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and
said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a

break?'



He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a

stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having
bald tires!



Then I really got angry at him.
He finished the second ticket and put
it on the car with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket!



This went on for
about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the
corner.

How
many cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Only
one, but he has to see an officer do it first.
Three, one to do it,
one to direct traffic and one to say ''Show's
over, nothing left to
see here, folks, move along.''

How many LA cops does it take to change light
bulb?
Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to
splinters.

How many cops does it take to
throw a man
down the stairs?
None. He fell.

A police officer stopped a young man for
speeding. He stepped out
of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and
swaggered up to the
young man's window. ''What chew driving so fast
for boy? You going to a
fahhr? Let me see your license, boy.'' The
young man handed over his
license.
Then the officer noticed that
the back seat of the car was full of
large knives. The officer
said, ''Tell me boy, why you got them knives on
that there back seat?''
The young man replied, ''Well sir, I'm a
juggler.'' The officer spat
some tobacco juice and then he said, ''A juggler;
well you don't
say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you
going to
jail!''

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail.
He
offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of

demonstration. He said, ''You can even hold me at gunpoint while I
juggle for
you.'' The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove
his point while he held
him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the
road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up
with Jerry Lee
Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty
pickup
truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the
right
side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable
sight
of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the

number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When
Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, ''Whatever you do when

you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police

are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!''

A police officer, though scheduled for

all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home
four
hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to
wake his
wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and
started to
climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and
said, ''Mike,
dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store
on the next block
and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting
headache.''
''Certainly, honey,'' he said, and feeling his way across
the dark
room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.


As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, ''Say,'' said
the
druggist, ''I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick,

right?''

''Yeah, so?'' said the officer.

''Well what
the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire
Chief?''

One evening this
Columbia Yuppie was
stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a
breath test by the
Howard County Police.

''Well ?'' he asked somewhat belligerently
as the Desk Sergeant slowly
read the print out and entered the
information in the arrest record.

''Disappointing to say the least,''
the Sergeant replied. ''Chateau
Duvalier... 1962... rather thin...
not aged well at all.''

A police man was on
duty one night and he
headed up to ''Make out
Mountain'' to try to catch some couples in the
act.

When he got up there he stopped at the first car where a
couple sat,
and was surprised to see the man was reading and the girl
next to him
was knitting.

He tapped on the window and said he
was with the police department then
asked how old he was and the
guy said, ''I'm 22 sir.'' ''Well how old
is she?'' the officer then
asked.

Looking at his watch the guy replied, ''She'll be 18 in about
6
minutes.''

A man decided that he was going to ride a
10-speed bike
from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon
City before the
mountains justbecame too much and he could go no
farther. He stuck his
thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and
offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a
piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.

He tied the other end to the bike and
told the man that if he was going
too fast, to honk the horn on his
bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the
first 30 miles.

Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be
outdone, the
Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A
short distance down the
road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 mph, blew through a speed
trap. The police officer noted t
he speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that
he had two Corvettes headed his way at over
120 mph.

He then
relayed, ''...and you're not going to believe this, there is a
guy
on a bike honking his horn trying to pass....

The sheriff of a small
town was also the
town's
veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife
answered. An
agitated voice inquired, ''Is your husband there?''


''Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a
vet?'' the
wife asked.

''Both!'' was the reply. ''We can't get our dog's mouth

open, and there's a burglar in it.''

A policeman had a perfect spot
to watch for
speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the
problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read ''RADAR TRAP
AHEAD.'' The officer then found a young
accomplice down the road with
a sign reading ''TIPS'' and a bucket full of
change.

As a female
shopper exited a New York
convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse and ran. The clerk called 911
immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the
snatcher. They put him in
the
car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the
car
and told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied,
''Yes, officer, that's her.
That's the lady I stole the purse
from.''

A policeman stops a car and suggests an

apparently drunken fellow to take a breath test. He blows, the thing
shows:
positive. He protests, cries he is a teetotaler and that the
instrument
isn't working properly. He says his wife is also a
teetotaler. She
blows- again positive. Then he gives it to their little kid
on the
backseat- also positive! The ashamed policeman lets them go.
They take off and
the man says to his wife:
- And you kept
telling me: don't give the kid any alcohol, don't give
the kid any
alcohol!!

A seargent is
interviewing three cadets who
were training to become detectives. To test
their skills in
recognizing a suspect, he shows the first cadet a picture
for 5 seconds
and then hides it.

''This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?'' The first cadet
answers, ''That's easy, we'll catch him fast
because he only has one
eye!'' The seargent says,
''Well...uh...that's because the picture I
showed is his side profile.''


Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture

for 5 seconds at the second cadet and asks him, ''This is your suspect,

how would you recognize him?''

The second cadet smiles, and
says, ''Ha! He'd be too easy to catch
because he only has one ear!''


The policeman angrily responds, ''What's the matter with you
two? Of
course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a
picture of
his side profile! Is that the best answer you can
come up with?!''

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows
the picture to the third
cadet and in a very testy voice asks, ''This
is your suspect, how would
you recognize him?'' He quickly adds,
''Think hard before giving me a
stupid answer.''

The cadet looks
at the picture intently for a moment and says, ''The
suspect wears
contact lenses.''

The seargent is surprised and speechless
because he really doesn't
know himself if the suspect wears contacts or
not.

''Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few
minutes
while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.''
He leaves the
room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's
file in his computer,
and comes back with a beaming smile on his
face. ''Wow! I can't
believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact
wear contact lenses. Good
work! How were you able to make such an
astute observation?''

''That's easy,'' the cadet replied. ''He
can't wear regular glasses
because he only has one eye and one
ear.''

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one

Caller: Hi, is
this the police?

Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police
assistance?

Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell
me how to
cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.