Police Jokes 

A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated

Irishman, who was also severly bleeding.

The officer asked, ''Can
you describe the person who did this to you?''

The Irishman
replied, ''That's what I was doing when he hit
me.''

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia
when they were struck by a
police car driven by a drunken
cop.

One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked

down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking
and entering and the second
with leaving the scene of an
accident.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he
went up to a policeman and
said, ''I've lost my dad!''

The
policeman said, ''What's he like?''

Little Johnny replied, ''Beer and
women!''

A truck driver was driving along
on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads ''low bridge ahead.'' Before
he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under
the
bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police
car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, ''Got
stuck,
huh?''

The truck driver says, ''No, I was delivering this bridge and ran
out
of gas.''

The Judge said to the defendant.
''I thought
I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.''

''Your
Honor,'' the criminal said, ''that's what I tried to tell the
police, but
they wouldn't listen.''

A policeman had a
perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the
problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted
sign which read, ''SPEED TRAP AHEAD''.

The officer then found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign
painted ''TIPS'' and a
bucket of change.

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a

state policeman pulls him over.

''You got any I.D.?'' the
patrolman asked.''

'''Bout what?'' the hillbilly replied.

A farmer who's been involved
in a terrible
road accident with a large truck ended up in court
fighting for a
big compensation claim.

''I understand you're claiming damages
for the injuries you're
supposed to have suffered?'' Stated the
counsel for the insurance company.

''Yes, that's right,'' replied the
farmer, nodding his head.

''You claim you were injured in the
accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the
attending police officer asked you
how you were feeling, you
replied, 'I've never felt better inn my
life.' Is that the
case?''

''Yeah, but'' stammered the farmer.

''A simple yes or not will
suffice,'' counsel interrupted quickly.

''Yes,'' Replied the
farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him
questions.
''Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events
following the
accident when you made your statement of health,'' his
lawyer said.

''Certainly,'' replied the farmer. ''After the
accident my horse was
thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old
dog was howling in
pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my
horse and shoots him
dead. ''Then he goes over to my dog, looks at
him and shoots him dead too.
Then he come straight over to me and
asked me how I was feeling. ''Now,
mate, what the heck would you have
said to him?''

A defense attorney was
cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the
offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this
description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q:
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called

offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my
life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have
a
locker room in the police station, a room where you change your
clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we
do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir,
I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes
sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow of
ficers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you
share with those officers?

A: You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense
attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street
with one foot
on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop
pulled up and said, ''I've got to take you in, sir. You're

obviously drunk''

The wasted wino asked, ''Ociffer, are ya absolutely
sure I'm drunk?''

''Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,'' said the copper.
''Let's go.''

Obviously relieved, the wino said ''That's a relief - I
thought I was
a cripple.''

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer see's a car
puttering
along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, ''This driver is
just as dangerous as a
speeder!''So he turns on his lights and pulls
the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are
five old ladies, two in
the front seat and three in the back, wide
eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to
him, ''Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed
limit! What seems to be the
problem?''

''Ma'am,'' the officer
replies, ''You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving
slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other
drivers.''

''Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit

exactly twenty-two miles an hour!'' the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle exp
lains to her
that ''22'' was the route number, not the speed
limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for

pointing out her error.

''But before I let you go, Ma'am, I
have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time,''
the officer asks.

''Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.
We just got off Route
142.''

A
farmer and his pig were driving down the
road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer,
''Didn't you know it is against the law to
ride with a pig in the front
of you truck?''

The farmer replied, ''No, I didn't knowed
that.''

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, ''To
Memphis''.
The cop said, ''I will let you off the hook this time if you
promise to
take the pig to the zoo when you get to
Memphis.''

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop
spotted the farmer with the pig driving down
the road and he pulled him
over again.

The cop said ''I thought I told you to take this pig
to the zoo when
you got to Memphis'' and to this the farmer replied
''I did and we had so
much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.''

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding

and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She
replied in a huff, ''I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to

show it to you!''

A middle aged woman was driving through a

school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was

giving her the ticket, she said, ''How come I always get a ticket and

everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?''

''No, ma'am,''
explained the officer, ''it's your foot.''

A blonde
was visiting Washington, DC for
the first time. She wanted to see the
Capitol building.
Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a
police officer for
directions, ''Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the
Capitol
building?''

The officer replied, ''Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54

bus. It'll take you right there.'' She thanked the officer and he
drives
off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to
the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the
same bus stop. The officer
got out of his car and said, ''Excuse me,
but to get to the Capitol
building, I said to wait here for the
number 54 bus. That was three hours
ago. Why are you still
waiting?''

The blonde replied, ''Don't worry, officer, it won't be long
now. The
45th bus just went by!''

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when
suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off
completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining

bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

''Officer,
look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!'', he whined.

''You
lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!'', retorted the
officer.
''You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't
even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!''

''Oh no!'', replied the
lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once
was.

''Where's my Rolex???!!!''

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a

Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia

line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie
Trooper pulled in behind him and said, ''Hey, sarge, why did
you
stop?''

The sarge replied, ''He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead
of
us, so we'll never catch him.''

A young man was walking into town one day when
a wood hauler
gave him a ride.

After traveling about a mile
or two, the truck was stopped by the
highway patrol for a weight
check and inspection.

The truck inspection revealed the truck had
slick tires; no horn; no
head, tail or signal lights; no windshield
wipers. Also, it was
overloaded and had bad
brakes.

''Mister,'' the patrolman said to the driver, ''I think the best way to
charge
you is 'hauling wood without a truck.'''

The phone rings at
FBI
headquarters.

''Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding

marijuana inside his firewood!''

''Thank you very much for the
call, sir.''

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's
house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,
they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
swear at the neighbors and
leave.

The phone rings at the
neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI

come?''

''Yep.''

''Did they chop your firewood?''

''Yep.''

''Great, now it's
your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.''

The policeman arrived at
the scene of an
accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.
Searching
for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in
work
clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

''Exactly where were you at
the time of the accident?'' inquired the
officer.

''Mister,''
exclaimed the telephone lineman, ''I was at the top of the
pole!''