Women 

Age HOUSE PET 17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

Age WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED? 17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66

Age IDEAL DATE 17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast

AGE DRINK 17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Age EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig

Age FAVORITE SPORT 17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping

Age DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 ''Burger King'' 25 ''Free meal'' 35 ''A diamond'' 48 ''A bigger diamond'' 66 ''Home Alone''

The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep

His And Hers ATMsHIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. Enter PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. Enter PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit ''cancel'' 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.He said to the woman, ''Is there anything on you that you'd like tochange?''She said, ''Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?''God snapped his fingers and it was done.She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,''What am I going to do with this useless boob?''And God created man.

Why did god invent alcohol? - So fat women can get laid too.

When the milkman found a note on one of his customer'sdoors asking for 16 gallons instead of the usual quart,he rang the bell.''Sorry to bother you, ma'am,'' he said, ''but are you sureyou want sixteen gallons of milk today?''''Oh, yes,'' said the lady of the house. ''I'm going to takea milk bath.''''Do you want it pasteurized?''''No, just up to my tits would be fine.''

Have you heard about the new line of Tampax with bells and tinsel?It's for the Christmas period.

Q. Why is psycho- analysis so much easier for men ratherthan women? A. Because when it comes time to revert to childhood, menare already there.

What do you call a truckload of vibrators? -Toys for Twats.

How is a woman like an airplane? -Both have cockpits.

How is a woman like a road? -Both have manholes.

Why did the Avon lady walk funny? Her lipstick.

The seven kinds of passionate women 1.The Optimist - ''Yes! Yes! Yes!'' 2.The Pessimist - ''No! No! No!'' 3.The Confused - ''Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! Yes! No! No!'' 4.The Asthmatic - written rendition of gasping 5.The Sprinter - ''Faster! Agh! Faster! Faster!'' 6.The Religious - ''Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! 7.The Mathematician - ''More! More! More! More!

What's the difference between women and men? One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.