Women 

How are women like elevators? Only about half go down.

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of ''Baywatch''have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise.After all, both companies have made millions off airheads withflawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certainto follow. Some possibilities:Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessoriesinclude a bottle of vodka, silk sheets and an arrest warrant.Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteadersimportant tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how totake care of their nails while shoeing a horse.America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimeagainst feminism.Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, and Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens whodon't have huge wardrobes, pools, ponies, and perfect bods.Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this doll,which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school, married tooyoung and ate too much.Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set (she's 27!)arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

What is the loose skin around the pussy called? -The woman.

The boy asks his dad:''What's the difference between a 'cunt' and a 'pussy'?''The dad gets a Penthouse magazine, draws a circle around acrotch and says: ''Everything inside the circle is a 'pussy',everything outside the circle is a 'cunt'''

What do you get if you put your hand down an pyschic's pants? Your palm red once a month.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, ''Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.''Ford thinks about it and says, ''I wanna hang out with God,himself.'' The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?'' God says, ''Ah, yes.'' ''Well,''says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:l. There's too much front end protrusion2. It chatters at high speeds3. The rear end wobbles too much, and4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.''''Hmmm..'' replies God, ''hold on.'' God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. ''It maybe that my invention is flawed,'' God replies to Henry Ford, ''butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.''

ELEMENT: WOMANSYMBOL: WO DISCOVERER: ADAM ATOMIC MASS:Accepted as 53.6 Kg, but known to vary from 40 to 200 Kg.OCCURRENCE:Copious quantities in all urban areas.Physical Properties:1. Surface normally covered with a painted film.2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.3. Melts if given special treatment.4. Bitter if incorrectly used.5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.Chemical Properties:1. Has great affinity to gold, silver and a range of precious stones.2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Common Uses: 1. Highly ornamental.2. Can be a great aid in relaxation.3. Very effective cleaning agent. Tests: 1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can bemaintained at different locations as long as specimens don't comeinto contact with each other.

Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty yearold daughter had hitch hiked all alone, all the way from SanFrancisco to Washington. ''For gods sake!'' he screamed, ''Someone could have attacked youand raped you!'' ''I wasn't ever in no danger at all'', she said, trying to calm himdown. ''As soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going toWashington, because thats where they have the best treatment forsexually transmitted diseases.''

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon? - Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, ''Lord, I have a problem!'' ''What's the problem, Eve?'' ''Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy.'' ''Why is that, Eve?'' came the reply from above. ''Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples.'' ''Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.'' ''What's a 'man', Lord?'' ''This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.'' ''Sounds great,'' says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. ''Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.'' ''What's that, Lord?'' ''You'll have to let him believe that I made him first.''

What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette? Well about 15 minutes!

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? - Chapped lips.

Q: Why do women have arms?A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road? She just did, alright!!

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?A: Lipstick.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested.Then God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Why don't witches wear panties?So they can get a better grip on the broom.

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they havedeveloped a pill to increase lubrication in females. The pill will be called Niagra.

Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?A: To smell like big girls.