College jokes 

A
Mississippi professor was at a party and
became indignant when asked if
college professors were
absent-minded.

''Professors haven't got bad memories,'' he declared.
''They're not
absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now,
and don't
you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night?
Would somebody
like to ask me another question?''

''Yes,'' said
another guest. ''Is it true that professors are
absent-minded and
have bad memories?''

''Good!'' said the professor. ''I knew sooner or
later somebody would
ask me that question.''

Mrs. McKenzie was showing Corbett, the
contractor,
through the second floor of her new house to show him what
colors to paint
the rooms. ''I'd like the bathroom done in white!''


Corbett walked over to the window and shouted, ''Green up! Green
up!''

''I want the bedroom in blue!'' continued the woman.


The contractor listened and yelled out the window, ''Green up! Green

up!''

''The halls should be done in beige!'' she instructed.
Again, the man
barked out the window, ''Green up! Green up!''


''Will you stop that?!'' shouted the woman. ''Every time I give you a

color, all you do is shout 'Green up!' What the devil does that

mean?''

'Tm real sorry, ma'am!'' explained Corbett. ''But I got three

Oklahoma basketball players down there tryin' to put in the front
lawn!''

Biddle and Payne, two elderly English
professors, were
having lunch in the cafeteria.

During the course
of the conversation, Biddle said,

''A student gave me a peculiar
answer in class today. I asked who wrote
the Merchant of Venice and
a sophomore said, ''Please, sir, it wasn't
me!''

''Ha, ha!''
laughed Payne. ''And I suppose the little snot had done it
all
along!''

A survey was being taken on the University of

Arizona campus.

The survey taker asked a soccer player,
''What do you think of
bilingualism?''

''Oh, I think it's okay,''
said the boy, ''if it's between consenting
adults.''

Soderling, the star college halfback, was

taking a math exam.

The coach desperately needed him to play in
the Syracuse game on
Saturday, so the professor agreed to give him
an oral exam.

''All right,'' said the prof. ''How many degrees are
there in a
circle?''

''Uh, depends,'' said the boy. ''How big
is that there circle?''

What do you get if you cross a student and an

alien ?
Something from another universe -ity !

An angel appears at a faculty
meeting and
tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and
exemplary
behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite
wealth,
wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite
wisdom.

''Done!'' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of
smoke and a bolt
of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the
dean, who sits surrounded by a faint
halo of light. At length, one
of his colleagues whispers, ''Say
something.''

The dean sighs
and says, ''I should have taken the money.''

All the fraternity brothers left the
house
for a long weekend except for Grady, who decided to stay behind and

get some studying done.

One night Grady heard a noise under
his bed.

Fearing it might be a burglar, he leaned over and
whispered, ''Anybody
there?''

''No,'' said the burglar.


''That's funny,'' the boy said to himself. ''I could have sworn I
heard a
noise!''

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his
English
class one day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative
forms a
positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double
negative is
still a negative. However, there is no language wherein
a double positive
can form a negative.'' A voice from the back of
the room piped up,
''Yeah, right.''

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house

phone.

''Hi,'' said the voice, ''this is Rollie. Come on over,
we're having a
real wildass party.''

''Shit, Ah'd shore love
to,'' said Tad, ''but Ah got me a bad case of
gonorrhea.''


''Bring it along!'' answered Rollie. ''The way thangs is goin', mah

buddies'll drink anythin'!''

A kid called up his
mom from his college
and asked her for some money, because he ran out
of it. His mom
said, ''Sure, sweetie. I'll will send you some money.
You also left
your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do
you want me
to send that up too?''

''Uhh, oh yeah, okay,'' responded the
kid.

So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package
and
went to the post office to mail the money and the
book.

When she gets back, her husband asked, ''Well how much did you give the

boy his time?''

She said, ''Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20
and the other for $1000
out to him.''

''That's $1020!'' yelled
her husband. Are you crazy?''

''Don't worry, Hon,'' she said. ''I
taped the $20 check to the cover
of his book, but I put the $1000
one somewhere between the pages in
chapter 19!''

After the college boy delivered
the pizza
to Bud's trailer house, Bud asked, ''What is the usual
tip?''

''Well,'' replied the youth, ''this is my first trip here, but the
other
guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing
great.''

''Is that so?'' snorted Bud. ''Well, just to show them how wrong they

are, here's five dollars.''

''Thanks,'' replied the youth, ''I'll
put this in my school fund.''

''What are you studying?'' asked
Bud.

The lad smiled and said, ''Applied psychology.''

Two
college students, Frank and Matt, are
riding on a New York City subway when
a beggar approaches them
asking for spare change.

Frank adamantly rejects the man in
disgust.

Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a
couples of
singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a
smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the
other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of
generosity.

''What on earth did you do that for?'' shouts Frank.
''You know he's
only going to use it on drugs or booze.''


Matt replies, ''And we weren't?''

On what kind of ships do students
study?
Scholarships.

What's the difference between an American
student and
an English student ?
About 3000 miles !

Two storks are
sitting in their nest: a
father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is
crying and crying and
father stork is trying to calm him. ''Don't
worry, son. Your mother
will come back. She's only bringing people babies
and making them
happy.''

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job.
Mother and son are
sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and
mother is saying,
''Son, your father will be back as soon as
possible, but now he's
bringing joy to new mommies and daddies.''

A
few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son has

been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and

the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby
stork says, ''No where. Just scaring the hell out of college

students!''

A college student in a philosophy class was

taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: ''Is this a
question?'' - Discuss.


After a short time he wrote: ''If that is a question, then this is an

answer.''

The student received an ''A'' on the exam.

A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a ''young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent.''

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, ''Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?''

Optimist: A college student who opens his
wallet
and expects to find money.

A college student in a philosophy class was

taking his first examination.

On the paper there was a single
line which simply said: ''Is this a
question?'' - Discuss.


After a short time he wrote: ''If that is a question, then this is an

answer.''

The student received an ''A'' on the exam.

A
Boston brokerage house advertised for a ''young Harvard graduate or
the
equivalent.''

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale
grad. He said, ''Do
you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part
time?''

A somewhat advanced society has figured

how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some

learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills
are
available.

The pharmacist says, ''Here's a pill for
English literature.''

The student takes the pill and swallows it and
has new knowledge about
English literature!

''What else do
you have?'' asks the student.

''Well, I have pills for art history,
biology, and world history,''
replies the pharmacist.

The
student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about
those subjects. Then the student asks, ''Do you have a pill for

math?''

The pharmacist says, ''Wait just a moment.'' He goes back into
the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on
the counter.

''I have to take that huge pill for math?'' inquires
the student.

The pharmacist replied, ''Well, you know ... mat
h always was a little
hard to swallow.''