Military Jokes 

Father Murphy walked
into a pub and said
to the first Marine he met, ''Do you want to go to
heaven?'' The
Marine said, ''I do Father.'' The priest said, ''Leave this
pub right
now!''

He then approached a second Marine. ''Do you want to got to
heaven?''
''Certainly, Father,'' was the Marine's reply. ''Then leave
this den of
Satan!'' said the priest.

Father Murphy then
walked up to an old SgtMaj and asked, ''Do you want
to go to heaven?'' The
SgtMaj replied: ''No, I don't Father.''

The priest looked him
right in the eye and said, ''You mean to tell me
that when you die you
don't want to go to heaven?''

The SgtMaj smiled, ''Oh, when I
die! Why...yes Father. Shit, I thought
you were getting a working
party together to go right now!''

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control

officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch

control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.


The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We
were not
allowed to leave the ''capsule'' until relieved the next day,
and we
were supported by several on-site personnel in the support
building
upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a
small refrigerator
and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty,
the cook called down around lunch time and
informed us that she was
cleaning her oven and that hot food would be
unavailable for a
short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and
apologized that
she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having
trouble reassembling
it, and would again be unable to heat our food
orders. We were somewhat
annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent
ler military officers we were, told
her ''No problem. Just send
down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke'
them ourselves.''


Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she

whispered, ''You can DO that?'' :

Q. ''Why does the Navy put
Marines on
board ships?''
A. ''Because sheep would be too obvious''

Q. ''Why do the commodes in
Marine
barracks have the cut-out type seats?''
A. ''So that if the seat falls while
they're drinking, it won't smack
them in the back of the head''

The story goes that Air Force One was

over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base ''Requesting

Radar''.

''What is you position?'' asked ATC

''You got radar
you find us'' Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC
announced ''Air Force One we're changing
frequency''

''What
frequency are you changing to?'' asked Air Force One

''You've got 720
channels - you find us!'' ATC replied.

A
trooper asks a sergeant:

- Is it
true that man descended from a monkey?

- Yes, troopers possibly
were. But not sergeants.

A Maintenance
Battalion in Germany had
just received a brand new Executive Officer, an
Armor Major. The
Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard
Operating
Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One
of these
directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant
would
drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for.

One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the

battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within

the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of
duty the
night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the
report HAD
to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to
Division
Headquarters.

As he got to the gate, the XO stopped
him. In a very sarcastic voice he
said, ''Aren't we paying our
drivers a lot these days?''

The NCO, without missing a beat re
plied, ''Not at all, Sir, when you
consider what we are paying gate
guards.''

Q: how many
vietnam vets does it take to
screw in a lightbulb?
A: YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU WEREN'T THERE, MAN!!!
YOU'LL NEVER
KNOW!!!!!

A
soldier keeps a mug upside down and
tells the sergeant:

- I can't drink from this mug. It has no
opening.

The sergeant examines the mug and says:

- You are
right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

A general calls a colonel:

- Do you
have a couple of smart majors?

- Yes I do.

- Send them to
me. I need to move my furniture around.

Q: ''What has
an IQ of 42?''
A: ''40
Marines plus their lieutenant''

Q: How many Pentagon procurement officers
does it take to change a
lightbulb ?
A: Look, for only $87 billion,
we can put up this chain of fluorescent
satellites that will
illuminate the whole planet.

Q: How many military information officers

does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At the present point in
time it is against policy and the best
interests of military strategy
to divulge information of such a statistical
nature. Next question,
please.

Q: How many British navy Officers does it

take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him seven
weeks to get there.

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: 22, one to screw it in, 21 to shoot the
bulb.

Q: How many U.S
marines does it take to
screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the
remaining 49 to guard him
.

Short-sighted sarge: ''Attention! You also,
you
little one in the back row with the red cap!''

''But sarge,
that's a hydrant!''

Sarge:''Anyway, in this place academics have
to obey as well.''

During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly

soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle.

The
Sergeant said, ''How'd you learn to shoot like that ? Have you
ever
been in combat before?''

''Well suh,'' drawled the boy, ''To be
honest, this is my first public
war.''

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and
put down maximum
liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a
chimpanzee, escaped from a
nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes
and up to the
smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the
engine room. It came across
a power panel opened up for
maintenance, couldn't read the warning
signs, and with a bright blue blast
shorted out the ship's electrical
system, and plunged the ship into
darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians
wander down with their
flashlights, looking for the problem. They come
upon the blackened body
of the chimp. They shine their flashlights
on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its
short legs and odd feet. They
look at each other. Finally one says,
''Well, it's too hairy to be an
Electrician, the legs are too short
for a Hull Tech, and there would be
more tatoos on a Bo'su
n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty
officers is
missing.''

Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a

barrel of potatos.

- In this day and age, the army should have a
machine to peel potatos,
complains Ivanov.

- Absolutely,
answered the sergeant. And you are its latest
model.