Bar Jokes 

|The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, ''What do you have in there, pal?''''A mongoose.''''What for?''''Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.'' ''But,'' the friend said, ''you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.'' ''That's okay,'' said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, ''So is the mongoose.''

|It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.''Are you Mr. Johnson?'' the asked? He admitted that he was.''Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?'' Again, the man admitted that was he.''And what did you do then,'' the troopers asked.'' The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.''Where is your car now?'' the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.''May we see the car?'' asked the troopers. The man answered, ''Sure,'' and opened the garage.Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

|A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.''But I paid, don't you remember?'' says the customer. ''Okay,'' says the bartender, ''If you said you paid, you did.'' The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, ''If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.'' Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, ''You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.'' ''Don't bother me with your troubles,'' the final patron responds. ''Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.''

|One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.''What's the matter?'' the bartender asks.''My wife and I got into a fight,'' explained the guy ''and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'' The bartender thought about this for a while. ''But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?'' asked the bartender.''Yeah, except today is the last night.''

|A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, ''Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again.''To which the local jock replied, ''Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again.''

|A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says ''I want you to see this.'' She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, ''what do you have to say about this experiment?''He responds by saying: ''If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!''

|A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, ''So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?'' The pirate replies, ''We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'' ''Wow!'' said the seaman. ''What about your hook''? ''Well'', replied the pirate, ''We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.'' ''Incredible!'' remarked the seaman. ''How did you get the eye patch''? ''A seagull dropping fell into my eye,'' replied the pirate.''You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,'' the sailor asked incredulously. ''Well,'' said the pirate, ''it was my first day with my hook''

|Our lager,Which art in barrels,Hollowed be thy drink.I will be drunk,At home as in the travern.Give us this day our foamy head,And forgive us our spillages,As we forgive those who spill against us.And lead us not into incarceration,But deliver us from hangerovers.For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lagerForever and ever,Barmen.

|A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries ''Man! How many bars do you work at?''

|A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says ''Do you know your monkey stole my beer.'' The pianist replies ''No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.''

|Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, ''Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.'' The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in.This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, ''It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?''At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, ''I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!''

|A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively ''You've got great hair!'' The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say ''You're a handsome man!'' The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.When he went back to his beer, the voice said again ''What a stud you are!'' The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what was going on.The bartender said ''Oh, it's the nuts--they're complimentary.''

|A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. ''They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the radio, and even the accelerator,'' he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. ''Never mind,'' he said with a hiccup, ''I got in the back seat by mistake.''

|10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.6. You can focus better with one eye closed.5. You fall off the floor.5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.3. Roseanne looks good.2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

|A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands, ''Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight.'' The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says, ''Gimme another one.'' The bartender pours the drink, but says, ''Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?''So, the man begins his tale. ''Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, ''Wow, this has never happened before.'' You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true.''He continued, ''She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door.''''The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'''''So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me.''The bartender says ''Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point.''''Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'''Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.' But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!''The bartender says, ''Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure.'' ''No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass.''The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, ''Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset.''''No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though.''The bartender then asks in exasperation, ''Well, then, what did finally make you anger?''''Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground.''

|A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. ''Well, you really tied one on last night,'' she said. ''Where'd you go?'' ''I worked late,'' he said, ''and I stopped off for a couple of beers.'' ''A couple of beers? That's a laugh,'' she replied. ''You got plastered last night. Where did you go?'' ''What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?'' ''Well,'' she replied, ''my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.''

|A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.''What's so funny?'' the bartender asked.''That stupid Dave!'' the fellow chortled, ''He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!''

|Two men walked into a bar.You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

|A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, ''I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.'' The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

|Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, ''We don't serve your kind in here.'' One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, ''Why not? We're cultured individuals.''