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Náhodný vtip

Pocul si, ze sa Fero ozenil? Z lasky, alebo kvoli peniazom? Nevestu si vzal kvoli peniazom a peniaze z lasky.

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Mom/Dad Jokes 

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|My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children: Feeling the Baby MoveFirst Child: I placed my hand on my wive's tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letter to our family.Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said ''Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep.'' When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.The Trip to the HospitalFirst Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to the hospital. I would meet her there as soon as I finished the set of correspondence I was working on. I reminded her not to forget the pillows.The First StepFirst Child: My wife grabbed the camera. I grabbed the Video Camera. My wife took four rolls of film. We immediately ran out to the one-hour developing place and had all four rolls developed with double prints. We had the best picture blown up to 24'' X 36'' and framed. We hung it up in the entry hall. I had a professional studio turn the four hours of video I taped into a one-hour documentary complete with voice-over by a local anchor-man.Second Child: We took one roll of film and five minutes worth of video. The next day we took the film and had it developed by a twenty-four hour developing center. I took the best picture and put it into my wallet.Third Child: We couldn't find the video-camera and we only had five shots left on the roll of film. We took all five shots but I don't remember if we ever got the roll developed.Fourth Child: I quickly got up and grabbed the camera. I placed it up high so the child wouldn't grab it.The First Time the Child Fell and Got a CutFirst Child: My wife and I frantically ran over to the child. We swept him up and rushed him to the emergency room. No stitches were needed but we spent the night with him in his room just in case the bleeding started again.Second Child: We walked over to her, picked her up and quickly bandaged her up. We spent the next two hours rocking her in the living room to comfort the pain.Third Child: I told my wife that if he was still crying in a couple of minutes, we should go over and make sure he isn't hurt too badly. When he didn't stop crying, we bandaged up the cut and laid him in his bed for a while but we went on about our business.Fourth Child: Put a bandage on the cut and told him it'd get better after he stopped crying.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. ''I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,'' said the man. ''To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.'' The son-in-law interrupted, ''I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.'' ''I see,'' replied the father-in-law. ''Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.'' ''I hate office work,'' said the son-on-law. ''I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.'' ''Wait a minute,'' said the father-in-law. ''I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?'' ''Easy,'' said the young man. ''Buy me out.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Laws of Household PhysicsEver notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples: 1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved. 2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one. 3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window. 4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed. 5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage. 6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight. 7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers. 8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature. 9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers. 10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies. 11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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|Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. ''I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,'' says the beaming boy to his father. ''Nope,'' comes dad's reply, ''I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|A small boy is sent to bed by his father...[Five minutes later] ''Da-ad...'' ''What?'' ''I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?'' ''No. You had your chance. Lights out.'' [Five minutes later] ''Da-aaaad...'' ''WHAT?'' ''I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??'' ''I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!'' [Five minutes later] ''Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...'' ''WHAT??!!'' ''When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Parent's Dictionary of MeaningsDUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblingsPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.VERBAL: able to whine in wordsWHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this: ''Some parents,'' she said, ''tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.''' One of the women spoke up immediately. ''Does she cook???''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint. ''It was enough to make anybody faint,'' he said. ''My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, ''Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?'' You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|My Mother taught me LOGIC...''If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.'' My Mother taught me MEDICINE...''If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.'' My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...''If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!'' My Mother taught me ESP...''Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?'' My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...''What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!'' My Mother taught me HUMOR...''When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'' My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...''If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS...''You are just like your father!'' My mother taught me about my ROOTS...''Do you think you were born in a barn?'' My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...''When you get to be my age, you will understand.'' My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...''Just wait until your father gets home.'' My mother taught me about RECEIVING...''You are going to get it when we get home.'' And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE...''One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Things Mom Would Never Say''How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?'' ''Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too'' ''Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery'' ''Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week'' ''Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day'' ''Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.'' ''The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.'' ''I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve'' ''Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.In very tiny letters, the stamp said, ''When you can read this, come back and see me.''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: ''Don't.'' ''Don't what?'', Adam replied. ''Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'' ''Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?'' ''It's over there,'' said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. ''Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?'' the First Parent asked. ''Uh huh,'' Adam replied. ''Then why did you?'' ''I dunno,'' Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|With four daughters and one son always dashing to school activities and part-time jobs, our schedule was hectic.To add to this, we kept running out of household supplies.I instructed them all to let me know when they used the last of any item by writing it down on a note pad on the refrigerator.As a reminder, I wrote at the top: ''IF WE ARE OUT OF IT, WRITE IT DOWN.''When I checked the pad a few days later, to my delight I found the following message:''MOM, YOU MAY BE A BIT OLD-FASHIONED, BUT YOU ARE NOT 'OUT OF IT.'''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, ''Wake up, it's time for school.''Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: ''Wake up, it's time for hockey practice.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: ''Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.'' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, ''WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: ''I wanted Sega!''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, ''A man's home is his castle.''Today, they say, ''Welcome to the money pit.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, ''a good day at the market'' meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, ''a good day at the market'' means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, ''Dad, you're invading my space.''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, ''So...how long have you had that earring?''--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

|A man speaks frantically into the phone, ''My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!'' ''Is this her first child?'' the doctor queries. ''No, you idiot!'' the man shouts. ''This is her *husband*!''

Hodnotenie:
Kliknutím na košík pridáš položku do zábavného košíka, z ktorého môžeš potom zábavu odoslať svojim známim.

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