Newest jokes

A man goes to the doctor and says, ''Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?''''I think that is a wise decision,'' the doctor replies. ''Let's see, do you smoke?'' ''Oh.. Half a pack a day.'' ''Starting NOW, no more smoking.'' The man agrees.The doctor then asks, ''Do you drink?'' ''Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.'' ''Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.'' The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, ''How do you eat?'' ''Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.'' ''Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese.'' The man is now really worried. ''Doc, is all this really necessary?'' ''Do you want to live long?'' ''Yes.'' ''Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet.''The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, ''Do you have sex?'' ''Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!'' he adds hurriedly.''As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.''The man is appalled. ''Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?''''I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!''

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, ''Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.''''I'll be right over,'' the doctor said. ''In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.''When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.''Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.''''I know, doc,'' she replied, ''but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!''

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.''In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:''If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a dayEvery time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new carOccasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive onOccasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engineOnly one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ''Car95'' or CarNT''. But then you would have to buy more seatsMacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roadsThe oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ''general car default'' warning lightNow seats would force everyone to have the same size buttThe airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before going offOccasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antennaGM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old carYou'd press the start button to shut off the engine''

My friend is so stupid: He sent me a fax with a stamp on it. He thought a quarterback was a refund. He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. He thought General Motors was in the army. He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. He tripped over a cordless phone. Wrote ''Taurus'' where it said ''sign here.'' He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.This happens a second time.The third time this happens, she says, ''Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?''The man replies, ''Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!''

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.''How's your sex life?'' the doctor asked.''Pretty good,'' the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, ''I've had some strange side effects.''''What's that?'' the doctor asked anxiously.''Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!''

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:''Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?''The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, ''There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.''

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: ''What are you doing here today?''Woman: ''Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.''Man: ''Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.''The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.Man: ''Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?''Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] ''Unh unh.''

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, ''There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?''''Well,'' she said a little sheepishly, ''my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.''''That's got to be it,'' said the doctor. ''There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.''''Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't,'' she replied.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.''Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday,'' she says.The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.''I can't,'' says the woman. ''That's the only night I'm home with my husband!''

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.''So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?'' the doctor said.''The nurse must have told you,'' said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.''No. It was in your urinalysis.'' and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.The doctor looked at him and said, ''I've got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!''

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.The vet asked, ''Is anything happening?''The doctor replied, ''Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.''The vet said, ''okay'' and the doctor went on the fishing trip.When he returned, he called the vet. ''How did things go while I was gone?'' ''Pretty good.'' ''Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?'' ''Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine.'' ''Did you have any trouble?'' ''Well, there was just one little problem.'' ''What was that?'' ''I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!''

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.The doctor says, ''I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?''To which the fellow responds, ''If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!''

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!

You might be a redneck if... You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You might be a redneck if... Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You might be a redneck if... You think the stock market has a fence around it.

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. ''That's easy,'' she says, relief obvious in her voice. ''All he wants is your pajama pants!''