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The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: ''Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.''Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.''Och!'' said the doctor. ''Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's yet another wee bairn to come.''Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.''Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!'' cried the doctor.The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: ''Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?''

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.3.Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.4.Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Nowadays there's little meaning For a person to be gleaning When a man attaches ''Doctor'' to his name He may be a chiropractor Or a painless tooth extractor He's entitled to the title just the same.Or perhaps he is a preacher Or a lecturer or teacher, Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip; He may keep a home for rummies, Or massage fat people's tummies, Or specialize in ailments of the hip.Everybody is a ''doctor,'' From the backwoods herb concocter To the man who takes bunions from your toes; From the frowning dietician To the snappy electrician Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes.So there's very little meaning For a sufferer to be gleaning When a man attaches ''Doctor'' to his name. He may pound you, he may starve you, He may cut your hair or carve you, You have got to call him Doctor all the same!

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.''Doctor,'' she said, ''I have a very bad gas problem.''''A gas problem?'' replied the doctor.''Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions.Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions.Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions!Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?''''Well,'' said the doctor, ''I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test!''

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.''Here's your baby, maam'' says the doctor.The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, ''My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!''The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, ''April Fools!!!He was already dead!''

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency romm of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, ''Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.''''I haven't got the fingers.'' The doctor says, ''What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?''''Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!''

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, ''I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much...''So the doctor says, ''Well, it's risky, but okay.'' So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says, ''We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.''The guy looks up and says, ''Mama Mia!''

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!''Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?'' yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.''Don't you want to get pregnant?'' asked the doctor. ''Well, yes, I do,'' answered the woman.''Then lie back and spread 'em,'' replied the doctor. ''We're all out of the bottled stuff... You'll just have to settle for what's on tap!''

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, ''I know what your problem is, you have zactly.''The lady then asked, ''What is zactly?'' The doctor said, ''Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!''

The Polish Medical Dictionary: Anti-Body - against everyone Artery - study of paintings Bandages - The Rolling Stones Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails Botulism - tendency to make mistakes Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section - a district in Rome Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - sheep dog Coma - punctuation mark Congenital - friendly Cortisone - the local courthouse D & C - where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - not a friend Enteritis - a penchant for burglary ER - the things on your head that you hear with Fester - quicker Fibrillate - to tell lies Genes - blue denim slacks Genital - non-Jewish Hangnail - coat hook Hemorrhoid - a male From outer space Herpes - what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid ICU - peek-a-boo Impotent - distinguished, well known Inpatient - tired of waiting Labor Pain - hurt at work Medical Staff - a doctor's cane Minor Operation - coal digging Morbid - a higher bid Nitrate - cheaper than the Day Rate Node - was aware of Organ transplant - what you do to your piana when you move Organic - organ repairman Outpatient - a person who has fainted Paralyze - two far-fetched stories Pathological - a reasonable way to go Pharmacist - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast - the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative - a letter carrier Protein - in favor of young people Recovery Room - place to upholster furniture Rectum - what happened to the Corvette Red blood count - Dracula Rheumatic - amorous Saline - where you go on your boyfriend's boat Secretion - hiding something Surgery - a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution - not using the elevator during a fire Tablet - a small table Terminal Illness - getting sick at the airport Tibia - country in North Africa Triple bypass - better than a quarterback sneak Tumor - an extra pair Urine - opposite of ''You're Out'' Varicose - nearby Vein - conceited

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.''Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.''''Not really, I hardly felt it.''''Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!''''Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!''

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.''Excuse me,'' he said, ''have you lost something?''''No,'' replied one of the doctors. ''We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.''

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.''Ohhhh no!!!'' the patient wailed, ''I'll never be able to experience an erection again!''''Of course you'll still be able to experience erections,'' replied one surgeon, ''only it will have to be someone else's!''

True story:About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.With my gown raised, she uttered the words, ''Okay, small prick,'' and proceeded with the injection.I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, ''Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.''''That is very kind of you,'' said the doctor emotionally, and then added, ''Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...''

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.''What sort of perversion are you talking about?'' asks the doctor.''Well,'' said the woman, ''I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.''''Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?''So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.''Look,'' he said, ''I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?''The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, ''Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!''''Shit, is that ALL!'' said the doctor. ''Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!''So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, ''Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.''Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. ''Hey!'' shouted the woman, ''I thought you said you were a pervert?''''Oh I am,'' said the doctor, ''I've just shit in your handbag!''

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.''What does this have to do with my throat?''''Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!''

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.''Haven't you been examined like this before?'' asks the doctor.''Many times,'' she giggles, ''but never by doctor!''

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:''Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant.''''Well'' said the doctor, ''It's possible you don't breed in captivity!''

One Polish surgeon asks another: ''How did that appendectomy go?''''Appendectomy?'' shrieks the other. ''I though it was an autopsy!''