Newest jokes

Some Warning Signs of Insanity- You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.- You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.- Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.- You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.- You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.- You collect dead windowsill flies.- Every time the phone rings, you shout, ''Hey! An angel just got its wings!''- You like cats. Especially with mayo.- You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.- You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.- Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.- You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.- You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.- Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.- Melba toast sexually excites you.- When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because ''the napkins have ears.''- You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.- You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.- Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.- Nearly everything you say involves the word, ''P-toing!''- You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.- You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.- You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.- People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Knock Knock! Who's There? Dwayne. Dwayne Who? Dwayne The Bathtub and I'm Dwowning!

What does a basketball player do before he

blows out his candles?
He makes a swish!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest
?
The scenter spot !

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership
?
Cold Trafford !

Q: Why did the lazy person buy a tall dog? - A: So
that they didn't
have to bend down to pet it.

Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A

Bloodhound.

Paul got off
the elevator on the 40th floor
and nervously knocked on his blind
date's door. She opened it and
was as beautiful and charming as everyone
had said.
''I'll be
ready in a few minutes,'' she said. ''Why don't you play
with Rollo
while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls
over, shakes
hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll
jump
through.''

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started
rolling over. Paul
made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through
-- and over the
balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.


''Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?''


''To tell the the truth,'' he replied, ''he seemed a little depressed

to me.''

What goes up when you count down?A Rocket Ship!

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said ''Thank you, but my God will save me.'' Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.A second boat came by and the worker called out ''Listen lady we've got to get you out of here!'' Once again she thanked him profusely and said ''My God will save me.''The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. ''Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're going to die.'' She just smiled ''My God will save me'' she said quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney. She heard a huge rukus above her head and when she looked up she saw an emergency helicopter. ''This is it lady, you have to come now or we won't be able to save you.'' Still she refused to go.The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.''You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn't you save me from that flood?'' God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said: ''My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!''

Santa, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde ran a race. Who won?Santa flys, not runs, there aren't any smart blondes, so the dumb blonde it must be!

10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.8. The six front keys have rotted out.7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.5. The password is ''Bubba''.4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...1. The mouse is referred to as a ''critter''.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it sets him back $1.24M. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, ''What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?''The young man replies ''A 2005 Bugatti Veyron 16.4. It cost $1.24M.''That's a lot of money'' says the old man, shocked. ''Why does it cost so much?''Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'' states the cool dude proudly.The moped driver asks, ''Can I take a look inside? ''Sure,'' replies the owner.So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says ''That's a pretty nice car, all right!''Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 MPH.Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoossh! Something whips by him, going much faster!''What on earth could be going faster than my 16.4?'' the young man asks himself.Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! ''Couldn't be,'' thinks the guy. ''How could a moped outrun a Bugatti?''Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh Ka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and good grief, it is the old man!!! Of course the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the dying old man and says, ''You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?''The old man groans and replies ''Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!''

How do you make a tissue dance?Put a little boogie in it.

Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job.'' Boudreaux said ''Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?''The manager said, ''We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed.''Boudreaux asked ''An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?''The manager replied, ''Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.''That's a lovely car,'' said the mechanic. ''What seems to be the matter?'' ''Well, it just conked out I'm afraid.''''Let me have look.'' He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.''Thank goodness,'' she said. ''What was the matter?'' ''Simple really, just crap in the carburetor,'' he replied.Looking shocked she asked, ''Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?''

A defense attorney was
cross-examining a
police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q:
Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A: No sir, but I
subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the
offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this
description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q:
A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called

offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my
life.

Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have
a
locker room in the police station, a room where you change your
clothes in
preparation for your daily duties?

A: Yes sir, we
do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir,
I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes
sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow of
ficers with your
life, that you find it necessary to lock your
locker in a room you
share with those officers?

A: You see sir,
we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes defense
attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have

there, what are you taking for it?
Pupil: I don't know teacher. What
will you give me?

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of
school
this morning.
Class: Hooray!
Teacher: We will have the
other half this afternoon!

Father:
How do you like going to
school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm
not
too keen on the time in-between!