Newest jokes

The food in our school canteen is
perfect.
If your a bug!

What's black and white all over and
difficult?
An exam paper!

Why aren't you doing very well in
history?
Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I

was born!

The Young Man's Big Mouth A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. ''Well,'' he said, ''I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ''the'' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.'' The young man makes his purchaseand leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, ''You never told me that you were such a religious person.'' He leans over to her and says, ''You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.''

On a very cold winter night, three homeless men huddled up close to keep warm. In the morning, the guy on the right says, ''I had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.''The guy on the left says, ''I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my dick.''''The guy in the middle says, ''I had a dream that I went skiing.''

Q: What do
electric trains and breasts have
in common?
A: They're intended for children, but it's the men who
usually end up
playing with them.

Q: Why do men become smarter during sex?
A:
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Q: Why don't women have
men's
brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.

Q: What is
that insensitive bit at the base
of the penis called?
A: The man.

A lion was getting rather old and slow
and having difficulty
catching its prey. It decided it needed a
disguise so that other
animals did not know it was a lion and would
not run away. So it goes into a
fancy dress shop and buys a gorilla
suit. It then heads for a watering
hole to see if it can catch
something with its new disguise. On the way
it comes across two eagles
sitting on a rock. One eagle says to it ''Hi
Mr. Lion!'' The other
said, ''Where did you get the gorilla suit?'' The
lion, rather
frustrated, asks, ''How did you know I was a lion?'' The
eagles then started
to sing, ''You can't hide your lion eyes''.

A man
moved to a mountain top to
get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day
he heard a knock at the
door and no one was there but then he looked
down and there sat a
snail and it said ''it is quite cold out here can I
come in?'' the man
shouted ''NO why don't you all understand I want to
be alone!'' and
he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later
there was a
knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked
down and
there again sat a snail and it said, ''What did you do that
for?''

Look over there! Said the frightened
skunk to his pal.
''There's a human with a gun, and he's getting
closer and closer!
What are we going to do?''
To which the second
skink calmly replied, ''Let us spray .''

A fish walks into a bar, the bartender

asks,
''What would you like?'' the fish says holding his neck,

''Water''.

Where did the pilgrims land when they came to

America?
On their feet!

An ideal homework excuse
Teacher: Where is
your homework?
Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the
mugger took everything
I had

Where did all the cuts and blood come
from?
The school went on a trip!

What's the worst thing you're likely to

find in the school cafeteria?
The food!

A policeman had a
perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the
problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted
sign which read, ''SPEED TRAP AHEAD''.

The officer then found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign
painted ''TIPS'' and a
bucket of change.

This hillbilly is traveling across Texas when a

state policeman pulls him over.

''You got any I.D.?'' the
patrolman asked.''

'''Bout what?'' the hillbilly replied.

A farmer who's been involved
in a terrible
road accident with a large truck ended up in court
fighting for a
big compensation claim.

''I understand you're claiming damages
for the injuries you're
supposed to have suffered?'' Stated the
counsel for the insurance company.

''Yes, that's right,'' replied the
farmer, nodding his head.

''You claim you were injured in the
accident, yet I have a signed
police statement that says that when the
attending police officer asked you
how you were feeling, you
replied, 'I've never felt better inn my
life.' Is that the
case?''

''Yeah, but'' stammered the farmer.

''A simple yes or not will
suffice,'' counsel interrupted quickly.

''Yes,'' Replied the
farmer.

Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him
questions.
''Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events
following the
accident when you made your statement of health,'' his
lawyer said.

''Certainly,'' replied the farmer. ''After the
accident my horse was
thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old
dog was howling in
pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my
horse and shoots him
dead. ''Then he goes over to my dog, looks at
him and shoots him dead too.
Then he come straight over to me and
asked me how I was feeling. ''Now,
mate, what the heck would you have
said to him?''