Newest jokes

Personally I think one of the greatest things
about
marriage is that
as both husband and Father, I can say
anything I want to around the
house.

Of course, no one pays the
least bit of attention.

Question: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? Answer: Two Mennonite!

How do we know that the ''Toothbrush'' was invented in West Virginia? - Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a ''Teethbrush''.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a
broom closet?

A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the

world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die !What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog!What is black & brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming human.Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets, what should you do? Shoot the lawyer, twice !!What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a sleazy politician? Chelsea Clinton.It was so cold around here last winter, (how cold was it?) I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets !What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull terrier? Lipstick !What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane? Skeet.What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.Why has there never been a reported case of a shark biting a lawyer? Professional courtesy !Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a lost hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; all of the other three are mythical creatures!

What is black and white and red all over? A panda bear with diaper rash!

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'' So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'' The Pakistani man replied, ''Just try them on.''Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, ''YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!''.

On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy dueto motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find itlocked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried tofight off the nausea. Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the rightand threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was thereforeunaware of what had happened.When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, ''There now, are you feeling better?''!

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, ''I'll have a shave and a shoe shine.'' The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.The cowboy said, ''Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.'' She replied, ''I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, ''Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the difference.'' She said, ''You tell him. He is the one shaving you.''

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. ''I have just the thing,'' says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. ''Just place this between your cheek and gum.''The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.''And what if I swallow it?''''No problem,'' says the barber. ''Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.''

An old sailing ship is becalmed at sea with a full complement of sailors. They are stuck there for days and days with nothing to do. One morning the captain decides he is going to lay on some entertainment for the men. He orders a barrel to be placed on the top deck. It has an orifice in the side and he invites each one of the men to ''take the pleasures'' of the barrel to their heart's content. Soon a full-fledged hedonistic orgy is underway. The men are cheerful once again and morale is boosted. Things reach such a frenzy that even the captain's dog has a go. Once the party is over and the barrel is full of the team's spirit, it is bunged up and thrown overboard. The ship sails away. A few days later the barrel comes ashore on the beach of a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. The only inhabitants of the island are the nuns who have founded their convent there. The nuns find the barrel and open it. They don't recognize the contents and take it to be wax, from which they fashion candles. Of course, nuns being nuns, they use the candles in the way only nuns can. Nine months later an inordinate number of babies appear inexplicably on the island. One of the nuns is very guilty about her sins and approaches the Mother Superior for confession. ''Forgive me, Mother. I have had a baby.'' The Mother Superior says, ''That's nothing, my child. I've had puppies.''

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You
never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long
it will last.

Q: What did the blonde do
when she got her
period?

A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot
her?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a

phone booth?

A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.

Q: What does the Bermuda
Triangle and
blondes have in common?

A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What's the difference between
a blonde
and a brick?

A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you
around for two weeks
whining.

What kind of food do maths teachers
eat?
Square meals!