Newest jokes

The first Jewish woman President is elected.She calls her Mother: ''Mama, I've won the elections,you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony.''''I don't know, what would I wear?''''Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker''''But I only eat kosher food''''Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food''''But how will I get there?''''I'll send a limo, just come mama''''Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy.The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme CourtJustices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentlemanon her right. ''You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible?''...''Her brother's a doctor!''

Q: How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having theirperiod?A: Their son's dicks taste funny!

A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. Heputs his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at hismother and says ''Look Momma, I'm a white boy.'' His mother slaps him hardon the face and says ''Boy, go show your Daddy.'' The boy goes into theliving room and says ''Look Daddy, I'm a white boy.'' His Daddy slaps himon the face, too and says, ''Boy, go show your grandmother.'' So the boygoes to see his grandma and says ''Look Granny, I'm a white boy.'' Sheslaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says''Well, did you learn something from all this?'' The boy shakes his headand says ''I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutesand I already hate you black people''.

Did they play tennis in ancient Egypt?
Yes,
the bible tells how Joseph served in Pharoah's court!

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and
PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a

counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches

orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!

Q: Why do Lawyers smell?A: So the blind can hate them, too!

How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at thebottom of the pool!

What was King Arthur's favourite
game?
Knights and crosses!

One day a boy approached his mother with a question. ''Mom, how come every night I hear you and daddy fighting and yelling, but when I look in your room you're on top of each other?''His mother ,very surprised, replies; ''Honey you know how fat daddy is, I'm jumping on top of him to help him lose weight''.The boy knows that's not working and tells his mother why...''Mom that's not going to help, because the lady next door comes by after you leave for work, and blows him back up again!''

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, ''What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.''The man said, ''But officer this is my wife.''The officer said, ''Oh, I didn't know she was your wife.''The man said, ''Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her.''

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A: Two...but I don't know how they'd get in there!

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golferand she wins their little competition on the last hole.He congratulates her in the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. ''In fact,'' she says, ''I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.'' He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation... The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.''You see,'' she tearfully sobs, ''I'm a transvestite.''He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. ''I'm sorry,'' she repeats.''You bastard,'' he screams, red in the face, ''You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!''

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks agoand has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, ''Push up bottom to use.''

''Mom, I'm pregnant.''''How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?''''That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest.''

A local business was
looking for office help.
They put a sign in the window, stating the
following: ''HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer
and must be
bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.''
A short time
afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign
and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over
to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the
receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the
dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked
determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the
dog jumped up
on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said,
''I can't
hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.''

The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a

perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager

and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager
was
stunned, but then told the dog, ''The sign says you have to be
good with a
computer.''

The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first
time.

By this time the
manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog
and said, ''I
realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some

interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job.''

The
dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on
the
sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.


The manager said, ''Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be

bilingual''.

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said
''Meow''.

A little girl
and a little boy were at
day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, ''Hey Tommy,
wanna play
house?''
He says, ''Sure! What do you want me to
do?''
The girl replies, ''I want you to communicate your
thoughts.''
''Communicate my thoughts?'' said a bewildered Tommy. ''I
have no idea what
that means.''
The little girl smirks and says, ''Perfect. You can be
the
husband.''

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a
gallant
driver saw
a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat
tire, and
couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for
her,
and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, ''There,
little
lady, that's done!'' ''Quiet,'' she ordered him. ''You'll wake
up my
husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat.''

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife

were sitting outside
a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for
fellow tourists. An Arab
salesman approached them carrying belts.


After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked

where they were from.

''America,'' the husband replied.


Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded.
''She's
not from the States.''

''Yes I am.'' said the wife. He looked at her
and asked. ''Is he
your husband?'' ''Yes.'' she replied.


Turning to the husband, he offered..... ''I'll give you 100 camels
for
her.'' The husband looked stunned, and there was a long
silence.
Finally he replied, ''she's not for sale.''

After the salesman left,
the somewhat indignant wife asked her
husband what took him so long
to answer, to which the
husband replied, ''I was trying to figure
out how to get 100
camels back home.''