Newest jokes

How do hens encourage their football teams
?
They egg them on !

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything
I
had

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it

remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to
see!

Why did the teacher put the
lights
on?
Because the class was so dim!

Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up
and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and
down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a
0!

The Judge said to the defendant.
''I thought
I told you I never wanted to see you in here again.''

''Your
Honor,'' the criminal said, ''that's what I tried to tell the
police, but
they wouldn't listen.''

A blonde's house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, ''My house is onfire.'' The dispatcher says, ''Well, can you tell me how we get there?''''Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course.''

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princesshappened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, ''Iwas once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we canmarry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare mymeals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happydoing so.''That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, ''I don't think so.''

Q: What do you call 3 blondes, a chimp,
and
another blonde standing on a street corner?
A: 4 f*cks, 4 f*cks, 4
f*cks, not for a zillion f*cks, 4 f*cks!

Q: What do blondes do
after they comb their
hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. ''This is a brothel'' replied the madam.''Well, what's all this out on the lawn?'' queried the man.''Oh, we're having a yard sale today.''

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, ''I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there.'' That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, ''I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to gointo the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look.'' The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her.Then the girl says, ''I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?''So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, ''I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine.'' Her husband says, ''You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me.''

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1:
(Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A
waste.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than
horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets
during
parades.

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irishfuneral?One less drunk.

why did Santa Anna bring only 4000 troops to the Alamo?he only had 2 cars.

So this Mexican dude was taking a piss on the side of a buildingand this white dude sees him. After the Mexican is done the whiteguy asks him, ''How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands afteryou pee?''And the Mexican guy replies, ''Because we Mexicans don't piss inour hands''

Why don't mexicans have barbeques?the beans keep slipping through the grill.

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.