Newest jokes

A woman goes to the doctor and says, ''Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.''The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. ''Well, what is it?'' he asks.''It's a bit embarrassing,'' she replies. ''These two green circles haveappeared on the inside of my thighs.''The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.Then he suddenly asks, ''Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?''The woman blushes and says, ''Well, actually I have.''''That's the problem,'' the doctor says, ''Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!''

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.Neighbor asks, ''Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?''Ed replies, ''Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?Neighbor says, ''You mean a rose?''Ed replies, ''Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, ''I could really go for an ice cream cone.''Hubby replies, ''Well, I'll go get you one.''Wife says, ''But, you'll forget, you better write it down.''Hubby replies, ''No I won't; what do you want?''Wife says, ''Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.''Hubby replies, ''Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.The wife asks him, ''What took you so long, did you get lost.''The hubby replies, ''No, and I got what you wanted.''The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!Wife says, ''I knew you you should have written the order down.''Hubby says, ''What do you mean - every thing is there?''To which the wife replies, ''No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles!''

How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with ''A man once told me...''How do you fix a woman's watch?You don't. There's a clock on the oven.Why do men pass gas more than women?Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman that won't do what she's told!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there wasanother way that would cost only $50.The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and thedoctor worked on her for several minutes.After the ''first night'' of intimacy, the woman came back to thedoctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood,everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.''Simple...I tied your pubic hairs together!''

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.The first nurse said, ''I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.''The second nurse said, ''I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.''The third nurse said, ''Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.''The fourth nurse fainted.

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: ''Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?''The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, ''Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.''They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.On the fifth visit the doctor says, ''Why do you keep on coming back?I told you you're having sex properly.''The boy explains, ''The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.''

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

One Polish surgeon asks another: ''How did the operation go?''''The operation was a success, but the patient died!''

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, ''I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.''''Do you think it will work?'' she asks the doctor.''It's worth a try,'' he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, ''Father, you're not going to believe this.''''What?'' says the priest. ''What happened?''''You gave birth to a child.''''But that's impossible!''''I just did the operation,'' insists the doctor. ''It's a miracle! Here's your baby.''About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, ''Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father.''The son says, ''What do you mean, you're not my father?''The priest replies, ''I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father.''

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,''Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.''And the doctor said reassuringly, ''Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.''

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.The girl was startled and exclaimed, ''What was that?''Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, ''I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?''With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, ''Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!''

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin and the Twinkie up the patient's ass.After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, ''Where's my cookie!?'' WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. ''Boss,'' he said, ''The pill actually worked!''''That's all fine'' said the boss.''But where were you yesterday?''

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, ''How about a quickie for twenty bucks?''She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, ''You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.''In reply, the nurse says, ''If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!''

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, ''Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.''The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.''All right, I guess I'll have the operation,'' he said.When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him, ''I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point.''So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set of clothes. The proprietor said, ''Starting with the suit, looks like you take about a 38-regular.''''That's right,'' exclaimed the man, ''How'd you know?''''Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up,'' replied the salesman. ''Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long.''''Right again,'' the man said.The proprietor suggested, ''And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36.''''There's your first mistake,'' the man said, ''I've worn 34's for years.''''No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one,'' said the owner.The man replied, ''I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34.''The owner replied, ''Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls and give you headaches!!''

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.The first Catholic woman tells her friends ''My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ''Father.''The second Catholic woman chirps, ''My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, ''Your Grace.''The third Catholic mother says, ''My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ''Your Eminence.''Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, ''Well?''So she replies, ''My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2'', hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, ''Oh my God!''

A man went to his doctor and said, ''I want to be castrated.''''What?'' said the doctor, ''surely you don't want that.''''Yes,'' said the man, ''that's what I want; I insist.''So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.''Oh, I was circumsized,'' the man said.''Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!''

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?He signs ''his'' name under ''cause of death!''

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?Mentally deficient.