Newest jokes

Q: What do blondes and
cow-pats have in
common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q:
WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When
they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay
down.

Q: What is 61 to a blonde?
A: She wants 8
(ate) more.

Why do managers bring suitcases
along to
away games ?
So that they can pack the defence !

Why were the two managers sitting
around
sketching crockery before the start of the game ?
It was a cup draw
!

Where do football directors go when they are fed

up ?
The bored room !

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight.
What
happened to your three week diet ?
Player: I finished it in
three days !

Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil:
4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

Teacher: Who can tell me where
Hadrians Wall
is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed

three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an
extraordinary
performance.
''That is a very smart dog,'' the man
commented.

''He's not so smart,'' said one of the irked players. ''Every
time he
gets a good hand he wags his tail.''

How do you stop squirrels playing football in

the garden ?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts !

One night, Peter was home
watching TV
when his wife entered the room and asked, ''If I died,
would you
remarry?''

Peter thought for a second then said ''Yeah I guess I
would''.

Then his the wife asked, ''well would you have her as your
golfing
partner?''

Peter replied, ''yep I probably would do that
too''.

''But surely you wouldn't give her my clubs?!'', she
cried.

Peter looked at her and said, ''Nah, shes left handed.''

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding
anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town, and on
this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter
paid them a visit. He
inquired as to the secret of their long and
happy marriage.

''Well,'' explained the husband, ''it all goes back
to our honeymoon.
We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down
to the bottom of the
canyon by pack mule.''

''We hadn't gone
too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife
quietly said
'That's once.' We proceeded a little farther when the mule
stumbled
again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.' We
hadn't
gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife

promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and

shot the mule dead.''

''I started to protest over her
treatment of the mule when she looked
at me and quietly said, 'Thats once.'''

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able
to do
all the things around the house that he used to do. The
doctor started
a long and thorough examination, but finally found
nothing wrong with
the man.

When the examination was complete, he
said, ''Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is
wrong with me.''

''Well, in plain English,'' the doctor replied,
''you're just lazy.''

''Okay,'' said the man. ''Now give me the
medical term so I can tell my
wife''.

A young couple got married and
left on
their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called
her
mother. Her mother asked, ''How was the honeymoon?'' ''Oh, Mum,''
she
replied, ''the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'' Suddenly
she
burst out crying. ''But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started

using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean,

all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take
me
home.... Please Mum!''

''Sarah,'' her mother said, ''calm
down! Tell me, what could be so
awful? What 4-letter words?''


''Please don't make me tell you, Mum,'' wept the daughter, ''I'm so

embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!''


''Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother

these horrible 4-letter words!''

Still sobbing, the bride said,
''Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
wash, iron, cook!''

Great news, teacher says we have a test today
come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing
outside!

Teacher: Why
does the statue of liberty
stand in New York harbour?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Pupil: I
lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best
teacher in
the school

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is
4+4?
Pupil: That's not fair!

You answer the easy ones and leave us with
the hard one!

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car
speeding through
an automated radar.

A $40 speeding ticket was
included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40.

The police responded with another mailed photo -- of
handcuffs.