Newest jokes

A traffic Policeman recently
stopped a
woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver
her
name.

She said, ''I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from
the
Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in
Columbia.''

As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away

his summons book and pen, and said, ''Well... OK... but don't let
me
catch you speeding again.''

This guy walked into a little corner store

with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After

the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch

that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier
to put
it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said
''Because I
don't believe you are over 21.''

The robber said he
was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch
to him because
he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took
his drivers
license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk
looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and he
put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with
his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the
name and address of
the robber that he got off of the license. They
arrested the robber two
hours later.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering????
A:
More head room

Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more
brain
cells than he gave cows?
A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you
played with their tits.

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really great about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, ''I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?'' ''About 35,'' was the reply. ''I'm actually 47,'' the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, ''Oh you look about 29''. ''I am actually 47!'' This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, ''I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.'' As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, ''OK, it's done. You are 47.'' Stunned the man says, ''That was brilliant! How did you do that?'' The old lady replies, ''I was in line behind you at McDonalds.''

During the wedding
rehearsal, the groom
approached the vicar with an unusual offer. ''Look,
I'll give you
$100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me
and the
part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and

'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if

you'd just leave that part out.''


He passed the clergyman
the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and
the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for
the groom's vows,
the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says,
''Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish,
serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even
look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?''

Th
e groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, ''Yes.''


The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, ''I thought we had a

deal.''

The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered
back, ''She made me
a much better offer.''

Marriage is a three
ring circus:


- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

A woman accompanied her husband to the

doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife
into his office alone. He
said, ''Your husband is suffering from a
very severe stress disorder.
If you don't follow my instructions
carefully, your husband will surely
die.

''Each morning, fix
him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him
a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for
him.

''Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him;
it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him.
Most importantly,
make love to him regularly.

''If you can do
this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will
regain his health completely.''

On the way home, the husband asked
his wife, ''What did the doctor
say?''

''He said you're going
to die,'' she replied.

Q: How do you get a
blonde pregnant?
A:
Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they
aren't upright, they're grand.

Upon
entering the little country store, the
stranger noticed a sign saying;
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the
glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the
floor besides
the cash register.

He asked the store
manager, ''Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to
beware of?''

''Yep,
that's him,'' he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be
amused. ''That certainly doesn't
look like a dangerous dog to me. Why
in the world would you post that
sign?''

''Because,'' the
owner replied, ''before I posted that sign, people
kept tripping over
him.''

A man and his dog went into a pub. The barman said
''Sorry mate no
dogs allowed in here!'' The dog said ''Oh please
don't be like that,
I'm trained and I won't cause any trouble!'' The
bar man was
astonished at the talking dog and sat and chatted with
the dog and it's owner.
After a while the owner went to the toilet
and the barman saw his
chance for a prank. He said to the dog
''Would you do me a favor as a wind
up, will you go down to my friends
bakers shop and order a loaf of
bread??'' ''Sure!'' Replied the dog. The
bar man gave the dog a fiver and
the dog left.

When the
owner came out of the toilet he went into a panic when he saw
his dog
had gone. The barman said ''It's ok he's gone down to the
bakery
for me'' The owner was livid ''It IS NOT OK he's never been out on
his
own, anything could happen to him he could get run over.

The
owner spent the next hour searching for his dog, walking the
str
eets frantically. As he was walking he heard strange noises coming
from an
ally way, he went down and there was his dog having it's
wicked way
with a lady poodle. ''ROVER!'' Shouted the owner ''You've had
me worried
sick, what's the matter with you you've never
dissapeared like this
before!'' The dog replied ''I've never had a fiver
before!''

A man is
walking down the street when he hears
a voice, ''Pssst you come over
here!'' He looks round and can see no
one but an old mangy greyhound.
''yes over here!'' Said the greyhound
''Look at me I'm tied up here, I
should be racing I won 14 races in
my carrer you know?'' The man thought
to himself ''Oh my god a
talking dog, I have to have it, it will make
me rich, tv appearances
cabaret bookings'' So he goes in search of the
owner.

He found
the owner and said ''I'd like to buy your dog, is he for
sale??'' The
owner says ''No mate you don't want that old moth eaten
thing!''
''But I do!'' Insisted the man ''I'lll give you 1000 pounds for
him. ''Ok
said the owner but I think your making a big mistake!'' Handing
over
the money the man said ''Why do you think that?'' The man replied

''Because that dogs a bloody liar it's never won a race in it's

life!''

A man was very proud of his guard
dog, he would
leave it to roam free in the garden to sow the world his
house was
guarded. One day a woman knocked at his door. ''Is that your
big dog
outside?'' Wondering how she had got past him he said ''Yes
why?'' She
said I'm sorry but my dog just killed him!'' ''What??'' Roared
the
man ''What kind of dog have you got??'' ''A Peke'' Replied the
woman. ''A
Peke??? how could that little thing kill my big fine guard
dog?'' ''I
think it got stuck in his throat!'' Replied the woman.

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting
at the same
time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the
window... ''Pull over!''

''No,'' she shouts back, ''a pair of socks!''

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced

with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest
your
mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

There was an inebriated driver who was

pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the door, the driver fell

out.

''YOU'RE DRUNK!'' exclaimed the police
officer.

''Thank God for that!'' said the drunk, ''I thought the steering had

gone.''

A man took his Rottweiler to the
vet and said
to him, ''My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do
for it?''

''Well,'' said the vet ''let's have a look at him'' The vet picks the

dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

''Well,''
says the vet ''I'm going to have to put him down.''

''Just
because he's cross-eyed?'' say's the man.

''No, because he's heavy,''
says the vet.

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking

care of her husband.

When he was slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, she
stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her
to come nearer.

As she
sat by him, he said, ''You know what? You have been with me all

through the bad times.

''When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost
the house, you gave me support. When
my health started failing, you
were still by my side.

''You
know what?''

''What, dear?'' his wife asked gently.

''I
think you bring me bad luck.''

''Honey,'' said this
husband to his wife,
''I invited a friend home for supper.''

''What? Are you crazy? The
house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all
the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!''

''I know all that.''


''Then why did you invite a friend for supper?''

''Because
the poor fool's thinking about getting married.''