Newest jokes

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.God comes and says, ''I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.''With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.God got mad and said, ''You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?''And the man replied, ''I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.''

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a
field trip to
their local police station. There they saw pictures
tacked to a big
bulletin board. The label clearly read, ''The 10 Most
Wanted.''

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if
it really was
the photo of a wanted person.

''Yes,'' said the
policeman, ''the detectives want him very badly.''

So Little Tommy
asked, while tugging on the man's belt, ''Um, mister,
why didn't
you keep them when you took their pictures?''

A lady was
filling her tank at a gas
station, smoking a cigarette, even though all
the signs say not to. The
fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited,
severely burning her
hands.

But it also lit up her arm, too!

Instead of rolling
on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took
off running
down the street.

A police car was at the intersection where it
happened and he tried to
stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept
running and screaming.
All the officer could think of doing was to
shoot her. This took
everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to
her and put the fire out, then
called for an ambulance.

When
questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer

said, ''My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a

fire-arm.''

A
squad car driver was covering a quiet
beat out in the sticks when he was
amazed to find a former lieutenant
on the police force covering the
beat.

He stopped the car
and asked, ''Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your
new beat out here
in the sticks, would it?''

''That it is, ''Irish Mike replied
grimly, ''ever since I arrested the
judge on his way to the masquerade
ball.''

''You mean you pinched his honor?'' asked Pat.

''How
was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?''
demanded
Mike.

''Well,'' mused Pat, ''there's a lesson in this
somewhere.''

''That there is,'' replied Irish Mike....'' 'Tis wise never to book a

judge by his cover.''

A
biologist phones his wife from his
office and says, ''Honey, something has
just come up, I realize its not
my field season, but I have to visit my
field site for a week. So,
would you pack my clothes, my field
equipment and my blue silk
pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up.''
A week later he
returned. ''Did you have a good trip, dear?'' his wife
asked.
''Oh, it
was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work,'' he

exclaimed, and added ''But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.''
''No I
didn't,'' she replied. ''I put them in the box of field

equipment!''

''Cash, check or charge?'' I asked after
folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I notice a
remote control for a television set in her purse.


''Do you always carry your TV remote?'' I asked.

''No,'' she
replied. ''But my husband refused to come shopping with me,
so I figured
this was the most evil thing I could do to him.''

The man approached the very beautiful woman

in the large supermarket and asked, ''You know, I've lost my wife
here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''


''Why?''

''Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman
my wife appears out of
nowhere.''

Old Man On A Bench
An old man of ninety
was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman
noticed this and
asked him why he was crying.

''Well,'' says the old fellow, ''I just
got married to a twenty-five
year old woman. Every morning she makes
me a wonderful breakfast, and we
have then have fun together
laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she
makes me a wonderful lunch
and then we make fun together laughing and
relaxing again. At dinner
time she makes me a wonderful supper and then
we relax more and
enjoy ourselves.''

The policeman looks at the old man and says, ''You
shouldn't be
crying! You should be the happiest man in the
world!''

So the old man says, ''I know! I'm crying because I don't
remember
where I live!''

John was driving when a policeman pulled him

over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, ''Is there a

problem, Officer?''

''No problem at all. I just observed your
safe driving and am pleased
to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver
Award. Congratulations. What do you
think you're going to do with the
money?''

John thought for a minute and said, ''Well, I guess I'll
go get that
drivers' license.''

Judi, sitting in the
passenger seat said to the policeman, ''Oh, don't
pay attention to him --
he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and
stoned.''

Brian
from the back seat said, ''I told you guys we wouldn't get far
in a
stolen car!''

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and
a muffled voice
said, ''Are we over the border yet?''

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and

the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did
stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that
he
didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman
said 'Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'.

The cop
pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for
about
a minute and then said, 'Would you like for me to stop or just

slow down?'

How do you know Monica Lewinsky is Jewish?If she wasn't,she wouldn't have stained her dress.

Q: Who are Sven War, Ollie Famine, Piter Pestilence, and Jergi Death?A: The four Norseman of the Apocolypse.

Did you hear about the Polish Navy's tragic accident?A hundred and thirty-seven sailors drowned trying to push-starttheir new submarine.

During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff occured along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled ''Hey Juan!''.....A soldier jumped up and replied ''What?'' The general shot him dead. This continued for three days. A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out ''Hey John!!'' An American replied ''John isn't here......is that you Juan?'' The Mexican general stood up, ''Yeah?!''.....

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when agood-looking girl comes up to them and says ''whoever can say liver andcheese in a sentence can have me''. So the white guy says''I love liver and cheese.'' she says ''that's not good enough.'' The black says ''I hate liver and cheese'', and she says ''that's notcreative'', and then the Mexican says ''liver alone cheese mine.''

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when his
attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The
man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept

repeating, ''Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have

to die?''

The first man approached him and said, ''Sir, I
don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you
mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?''

The mourner took a moment
to collect himself, then replied, ''My
wife's first husband.''

A mother and her child were at a wedding.


A little boy looks at his mom and says, ''Mommy, why does the girl
wear
white?''

His mom replies, ''The bride is in white
because she's happy and this
is the happiest day of her life.''


The boy thinks about this, and then says, ''Well then, why is the boy

wearing black?''

A man took his dog to the vets and asked the vet to

completely remove the dogs tail. The vet confused said ''Why do you

want me to do that? the dogs tail is perfectly healthy.'' The man
replied
''Well the wifes mother comes this weekend and I want to make
sure
there are no signs of any welcome!!''

At recent trade talks the American
representative offered to
sell sophisticated American telephone technology to
the Russians.

American : ''In the United States, anyone can pick
up any phone and
dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect
them with the police.''

Russian : ''In Russia we don't require
that you dial
anything.''

One day there was a woman who lost her cat
named
''LOVE.'' It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So,
thinking
that he might be down the street, she put on her
house-coat and went
looking for him.

When a police officer stopped to
ask what she was doing, she said very
honestly, ''I'm looking for
LOVE.'' The policeman arrested her on the
spot.