Newest jokes

A client of a hospital where they made brain
transplantations asked
about the prices.

The doctor said,
''Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain
belonged to a NASA
top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a
policeman's brain as
well. It costs $50,000.''

The client asked, ''What? How's that
possible?''

The doctor replied, ''You see, it's totally unused.''

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.He asks the man,''Where did you get such a big lighter?''The man replies,''See that man playing piano over there?He's a genie and he'll grant you one wish.''So the guy walks over to the genie and says,''I wish for a million bucks.'' All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, ''That genie is a little hard of hearing isn't he.'' The guy replies, ''no kidding''!You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!''

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, ''What is wrong with you?'' Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; ''this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.''Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked ''What would a woman like this cost me??''The voice answered, ''an arm and a leg.''Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, ''What can I get for just arib???''The rest is history . . .

Don't try to understand the theory of relativity.Relativity is like an erection - the more you think about it, the harder it gets.

Son: Is it true?
Dad, I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until
he
marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A boy is about to go on his first
date,
and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for

advice.

The father replies: ''My son, there are three subjects that
always
work. These are food, family, and philosophy.''

The boy
picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream
sodas
in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the

boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and
chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: ''Do you like
spinach?'' She says ''No,'' and the
silence returns.

After a few more
uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion
and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, ''Do you
have a
brother?'' Again, the girl says ''No'' and there is silence once

again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's
advice and
asks the girl the following question: ''If you had a br
other, would he
like spinach?''

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing

their wives.

One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at
me last night!

She went on and on and wouldn't stop!


The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen.


How do you do that? Says the other.

It's easy! I turn
off the light!

They were married, but since the argument
they had a few days
earlier, they hadn't been talking to each
other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One
evening he gave her a paper where it said:

''Wake me up tomorrow
morning at 6 am.''

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was
9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around
he found a note on
his pillow saying:

''Wake up, it's 6
o'clock!''

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across their path, totally nude. ''Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!'' the Frenchman said, smacking his lips.So the Italian shot her.

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, ''How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?''The old man looked around and lowered his voice. ''I'll tell you, Rabbi,'' he whispered. ''When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!''

Armando went to his neighbor and asked, ''Hey Carlos, do you like a woman who has a beeg stomach steeking oll the way out?'' ''No,'' says Carlos. Armando asks, ''Do you like a woman whose teets hang almost to her knees?'' ''No,'' says Carlos. ''Well, Carlos, would you like a woman whose heeps are so mucho grande?'' ''Caramba! No, amigo!'' Carlos replied. ''Theen tell me why,'' asked Armando, ''do you keep screwing my wife?''

Son: How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

While
participating is the Olympics a young gymnast had
her first sexual experience,
going to bed with a stunning foreign
participant. Upon returning to her
hometown, she promptly went to
confession. After receiving absolution,
the gymnast was so delighted
that she did cartwheels down the aisle to
the door. Waiting her turn,
Old Mrs. Ole said to her friend, ''can you
believe what Father
Johnson is giving for penance? Of all the days for me
not to be wearing
panties.''

A dentist friend of mine
had a T-shirt which
said on the front: Let me put my tool in your
mouth... and on the
back: ...and I will fill your cavity.

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enuff of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married. As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, ''In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce ?'' She smiled slyly and replied, ''The Druggist, silly.''

The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around the house before, and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the proper tools to do the odd jobs needed. She made a trip to the local hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a ''man's world'' there. Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look and sound as if she knew what she was doing. Completing her first group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files. She pointed to one and said ''May I have one of those ?'' The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, ''What... one of those bastards ?'' Without a pause, she said, ''Yeah ! And ya better give me a few of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too.''

What a rip-off. I went into our local bookstore and saw this huge display with a sign saying ''Newly translated from the original French: 37 mating positions.'' Noticing that the books were already wrapped in plain brown paper, I just hadda buy one. Once safely at home I opened it, out of sight of my wife, and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about Chess.

Why do artists never win when they play

football ?
They keep drawing !

What is a runner's favourite subject in school
?
Jog-raphy !

What stories are told by basketball players
?
Tall stories !