Newest jokes

Some people
ask the secret of Anthony's
long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a
week: a little
candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk
home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was

expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her
friends.

''The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be

musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!''

An old
granny overheard and spoke up, ''Honey, if that's all you want,
get
a TV!''

A little
old lady shaking violently as she
walks in to the pharmacy asks the
salesperson ''do you sell
vibrators''. Surprised by the request, the sales
person says yes! The little
old lady says: ''Well, how do you turn the
damn things off!''

A guy waiting at the bus stop wearing chains,

leather jaket, and leather pants and his hair in long spikes each a

different color. An old man at the bus stop looked and looked at the
guy,
finally, the guy said to the old man: ''haven't you ever done
anything
crazy and wild in your life'' and the old man said ''yah, I
have, I once
made it with a peacock and I was wondering if your my
son''

An elderly man visits his

doctor.
''Doctor, I would like you to examine me to see if I am sexually fit.''
''Very
well, let me see your sex organs, please.''
The aged patient replied
o.k. ''And stuck out his index finger and his
tongue.''

A man walks into
a tattoo parlor and says he
would like a $100 dollar bill on his dick.
Well the tattoo artist
laughs and says ''I'll do it for free if you
can give me one good
reason for it.''

The guy thinks for a second and says. ''Well one,
I like to keep my
money in my pants, two I like to watch my money
grow, and three I want to
see how fast my wife can blow a $100.

There were
these three little old ladies
sitting on a park bench minding their own
business when suddenly a
flasher jumped in front of them and exposed
himself...the first old
lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a
stroke...but sadly the
third old lady couldn't reach!!!

This woman goes into a dentist's office,

after he is through examining her he says: ''I am sorry to tell you this,

but I am going to have to drill a tooth.'' The woman then says:

''Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!'' To which the dentist replies:
''Make
up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.''

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his
crotch.
The dentist says, ''Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my

privates.''
The woman replies, ''Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to
hurt
each other, aren't we.''

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for

obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the
police
raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young
girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a
straight line on
the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little
old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked

curiously, ''What are you lining up for, dear?'' Not willing to let grandma
in
on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people
were
passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.


''Mmm, sounds lovely,'' said Grandma. ''I think I'll have some

myself,'' she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A
police
officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he
was bewildered.
''But you're so old... how do you do it?''


Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my

dentures and suck 'em dry!''

An elderly woman
decided to have her
portrait painted. She told the artist ''Paint me with
diamond earrings, a
diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach,
and gold Rolex.''

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a
twenty-year-old.
''So, did you do it?'' his lawyer asked.
''Of course not,'' the old man
replied. ''But I was so flattered, I
pleaded guilty.''

This old lady was complaining to her friend
about
a little problem she had with vaginal itch. Her friend suggested
that
maybe she had an STD. The old lady replied ''that's impossible
because
I am a virgin''. To solve the problem the old lady went to
the doctor
for check up. After the exam the doctor said: '' I have
good news and
bad news, the
good news is that you are clean of all
STD'S. The bad news is that you
have fruit flies because your
cherry is rotten''

Q: What is the difference between Liverpool
football
and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual ''3 to 1, majority rules'' statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.''Oh, God!'' he cried. ''I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!''It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. ''A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!'' But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.So the rabbi prayed again: ''Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!'' This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.''I told you I was right!'' cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, ''Oh God...,'' the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, ''HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!''The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, ''Well?''''So,'' shrugged one of the other rabbis, ''now it's 3 to 2.''

Here's one about the old native American who wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, ''What are you going to do with the money?'' ''Take jewlery to city and sell it,'' was the response. ''What have you got for collateral?'' ''Don't know collateral.'' ''Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?'' ''Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup.'' The banker shook his head, ''How about livestock?'' ''Yes, I have a horse.'' ''How old is it?'' ''Don't know, has no teeth.'' Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, ''Here to pay.'' he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.''What are you going to do with the rest of that money?'' ''Put in teepee.'' ''Why don't you deposit it in my bank,'' he asked. ''Don't know deposit.'' ''You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.'' The old Indian leaned across the desk, ''What you got for collateral?''

A fellow was very much in
love with a
beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was
her
birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for
each
year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and
ordered twenty-one roses
with instructions that they be delivered
first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the
order, he decided that since the young
man was such a good customer,
he would put an extra dozen roses in the
bouquet.

The fellow
never did find out what made the young girl so angry with
him.

A young couple drove several miles down a
country road,
not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led
to an argument, and neither wanted to
concede their
position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband
sarcastically
asked, ''Are they relatives of yours?''

''Yes,'' his wife
replied. ''I married into the family.''

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.They told him the story. ''Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?''The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, ''Did you buy this cow from Minsk?''''Rabbi!'' they replied as one, ''You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?''The Rabbi said, sadly, ''My wife is from Minsk.''

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway,

feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared
speed
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him
the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when
the man asked, ''Officer, I know I was speeding,
but I don't think
it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around
me who were
going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?''

''Ever go a
fishin'?'' the policeman suddenly asked the man.

''Ummm, yeah...'' the
startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, ''Did you
ever catch 'em all?''

Two robbers were
robbing a hotel. The first
one said, ''I hear sirens. Jump!''

The second one said, ''But
we're on the 13th floor!''

The first one screamed back, ''This is no
time to be
superstitious.''