Newest jokes

Two postmen are on break having a cigarette.

While on this break one postman says ''Hey look at that snail''. The

other postman looks down and says ''FUCK'' and step steps on the snail.

Postman 1 looks at him and says ''Why'd you do that''. Postman2
replys
''Because that fucker has been following me all day.''

A big fat housewife is on her hands and

knees, scrubbing the kitchen
floor, when she suddenly yells to her
husband, ''Come here quick,
Charlie!
I'm paralyzed! I can't get
up!'' He comes in, takes a look, and says,
''Stand up, you silly old
bat. You're kneeling on one of your
tits.''

They now have an Italian airline that flies out

of Genoa.

It's called Genitalia.

Q: What's the difference
between David
Beckham and an airplane model kit?
A: One's a glueless kit and the
other's a clueless git!

Last Lunch Three steel workers were having lunch at the construction site, a 20 story building. The first worker is Italian and when he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, ''Oh, no, if I have to eat spaghetti for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself.'' The second worker is Hispanic. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, '' Oh, no, if I have to eat tacos for lunch one more time, I going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself.'' The third worker is polish. When he looks in his lunch box, he exclaims, ''Oh, no, if I have to eat polish sausage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off the 20th floor and kill myself.'' The next day the Italian looks in his lunch box, sees a bowl of spaghetti. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Then the Hispanic worker looks in his lunch box, sees 2 tacos. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. Finally the polish worker looks in his lunch box, sees a polish sausage sandwich. He walks to the edge and jumps to his death. At the funeral for the three workers the Italian workers wife is sobbing out of control and cries,'' Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed him a different lunch!'' The Hispanics wife is also sobbing out of control and cries,'' Oh, its all my fault. If only I had packed my husband a different lunch!'' The polish workers wife isn't crying at all so the other two wives confront her. ''Don't look at me,'' she exclaims, ''He packs his own lunch!''

Three people were standing on the Titanic, An American, a Brit and an belgian. It was almost sinking. The captain told everyone to go into the liveboats. The Brit yelled ''Women and children first''. The American said ''Screw the women and children'' and the Belgian answered ''Huh, do we have enough time left to do that?''

What does an army general kiss under at christmas? Missile toe

Knock Knock Whos there? Luke Luke who? Look through the keyhole and you will find out!

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.The commander yells, ''Ready...Aim...'' and the brunette yells ''Earthquake!!!''Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. ''Ready...Aim...'' and the redhead yells ''Tornado!!!''Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. ''Ready...Aim...'' and the blonde yells ''Fire!!!''

Q. Why can't blonds work at the M & M Factory?A. They throw out all the ''W''s.

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.Annoyed, teacher demands, ''Can't your father do that?'' Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, ''Well, sure... but the bull can do it better.''

These two old men are in a nursing home.
They're talking and
realize that it's been years since they have had
sex. So they sneak out
and go to the closest whorehouse. Once inside
they go to the Pimp and
ask for the two best girls. The Pimp thought
''I'm not going to waste my
two best girls on these guys I'll just
give them inflatable women.
They are old and they won't know the
difference.''
Once the old men finish they leave. On their way back
they start
talking. The first guy said, '' I think mine was dead she
didn't move or
anything.'' The second guy said I think mine was a
witch because when I
nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the
window.''

In a nursing home, there is this old woman named

Gladys who likes to walk around and flash people. She walks up to a

nun, opens her robe and yells ''Super Pussy!'' The nun says, ''Gladys,
you
know you're not supposed to do that. Now go back to your room.
Gladys
starts walking back and sees the minister. She walks up to
him, opens
her robe and yells ''Super Pussy!'' The minister is shocked
and tells
her to go back to her room. As she continues, she sees an
old man lying
on the bed. She walks in, flashes him, and yells
''Super Pussy!'' The
man slowly turns his head and says, ''Thanks, I think
I'll have the
soup.''

Retired gentlemen went to apply for social
security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the
counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his
identification to verify his
age. He looked in his pockets and realized he has
left his wallet at
home. He told the woman that he seemed to have
left his wallet at home,
''will I have to go home and come back now?''
he ask.

The woman says, ''unbutton your shirt.'' he opens his
shirt revealing
lots of curly silver hair. She says, ''that silver hair
on your chest is
proof enough for me'' as she processes his social
security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells
his wife about this
experience at social security office. She says,
''you should have dropped your
pants, you might have qualified for
disability, too.''

An old couple in an old folks home are having an
affair, nothing much
they just sit watching TV late at night while
the old woman holds the
old mans dick. Then suddenly the old man
ends the affair because of
another woman. The old woman's distraught
and yells, ''WHAT'S THIS OTHER
WOMAN GOT THAT I HAVEN'T!'' The old
man smiles and says,
''Parkinson's disease''

An angry husband returned home one night to find
his wife
in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he
shouted.

To which his wife said to her lover 'See, I told you he was

stupid'

Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat.Just before take-off a fat, little Jewish guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the arab in the window seat said, ''I think I'll go up and get a Coke.'' (Shuttle flights do not have cabin attendants, but you probably knew that.)''No problem,'' said the Jew. ''I'll get it for you.''While he was gone the Arab picked up the Jew's shoe and spit in it. The Jew brought back the coke, when the other Arab said ''That looks good. Think I'll have one too.''Again, the Jew obligingly goes to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew returns with the coke, and they all sit back and enjoy the short flight. When the plane was landing the Jew slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.''How long must this go on?'' he asked. ''This enmity between our peoples ....this hatred... your spitting in my shoes and me pissing in your Coke?''

One day there was a boy at school and his teacher told him to get 4 spelling words. 1st he went to his Brother and asked ''Could you give me a spelling word?'' His Brother answered ''ShutUp'' So he wrote down Shutup. 2nd he went to his Mother and asked her. She answered ''Certainly'' He wrote down certinly. 3rd he wen to his Dad and asked for somthing sweet. His dad answered Lolipop so he wrote down Lolipop. 4th he went to his little brother and asked the question. He answered ''In my Little Blue Car'' The next day he went to school and his teacher asked for the words. He said his 1st word Shutup. Then she asked ''Do you want to go to the principles office?'' He said is second word ''Certainly''. In the principals office the principal asked what do you think you deserve, the boy answered ''Lolipop!!'' Then the principal asked ''What do you think your punishment should be?'' The boy answered ''To go in my Little Blue Car!!!!''

Four men are golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully ''My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house''.The second man steps up to tee and says, ''Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car''. The third man steps up and says, ''My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a whole summer home in Miami.''Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, ''Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami.''

On day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said ''Say your ABCs first''The boy started saying ''A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z''The teacher asked at the end ''Where is your P?'' The boy answered ''Running down my pants!!''