Newest jokes

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.Insanity is my only means of relaxation.Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it ''Closed for remodeling.'' **caution - leave air holes.I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, ''I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.''The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ''I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married.''''Why not,'' giggles the woman.''Good,'' he replies. ''Get your own damn blanket!''

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.He said to the female whale, ''Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.'' They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female ''lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.''At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. ''Look,'' she said, ''I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!''

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, ''QUIT IT!'' But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets angry and says, ''OK for you,'' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, ''Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'' The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, ''By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?''

What does a smart man do with 365 used rubbers?? Makes it a tire and calls it a Good Year.

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?It comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the
office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no
matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem
disappears.

Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for
you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, ''What
other problem
can there be greater than this one?''

A man was traveling down a country road when
he saw a large group of
people outside a house. He stopped and
asked a person why the large
crowd was there.

A farmer replied,
''Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she
died.''

''Well,''
replied the man, ''she must have had a lot of friends.''

''Nope,''
said the farmer, ''we all just want to buy his
mule.''

It's not what you say, but the way you say
it.

On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: ''Time stands still
when I
look into your eyes.''

The girl was very
flattered.

What the boy had really meant was, ''You have a face that would
stop a
clock.''

A young husband with an inferiority complex

insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The
marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, ''If you wish
to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.''

A person
receives a telegram informing
him about his mother-in-law's death. It
also enquires whether she
should be buried or burnt.

He replies, ''Don't take chances. Burn
the body and bury the
ashes.''

Q. What's O. J. Simpson's Internet address?A. Slash, slash, backslash, slash, slash, escape.

Q: What's the difference between a road-killed deer and a road-killed lawyer?A: There's skid marks in front of the deer!

''When I saw you driving down the
road, I
guessed 55 at least.''

''You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat
that makes me look that
old.''

A tourist asks a man in uniform, ''Are you a
policeman?''

''No, I am an undercover detective.''

''So why are
you in uniform?''

''Today is my day off.''

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for

speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued,

''Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance
between
my car the the car in back of me.''

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and homely looking woman. ''Screw me or climb the ladder to success'' she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye.''Screw me or climb the ladder to success'' she said. ''Well'', thought the man, ''might as well carry on. On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was really hot.''Screw me now or climb the ladder to success'' she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, everything he could want. ''Screw me or climb the ladder to success'' she flirted.Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his crotch.''Who are you?'' the man asked.''Hello'' said the ugly fat man said, ''my name's Cess!''

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says,

''I'm going to a
costume party, I want to go as Adam.'' The girl brings
out
a fig leaf. He says, ''Not big enough.''

She brings out a
bigger one. He says, ''Still not big enough.''
She brings out a huge
fig leaf. He says, ''Still not big enough.''

She says, ''Listen, Ace,
why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline
pump?''

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and

complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks

nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady
gets off
and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and
the driver
thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop
and this old man
gets off and says to the driver ''I lost my taupe
and thought I found it
twice then realized mine is parted down the
side, and the two I saw
were parted down the middle!''

A 90 year man
finally gets to see a Dr. and
the dr. asks him what the problem is, the
man says he wants the Dr.
to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken
aback a bit but finally
asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers
I am 90. The Dr.,
still a little confused says you are 90, and you want
your sex
drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I
want you to
lower it.