Newest jokes

An old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway. A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, ''Pull over!''The lady yelled back, ''No - mittens!''

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?A carrot! (boom tish!!)

A man walks into the bathroom, and steps up to a urinal. He can't help but notice the short man at the urinal next to him, and the large penis this man has.He says to the short man, ''Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice what a large penis you have.'' The short man replies, ''I am a leprechaun, and I can grant you three wishes.''The man is kind of skeptical, but he decides to believe him anyway. ''OK, ''He says, ''I want to live in a mansion.'' The short man replies, ''Sure. Tomorrow morning you will wake up in it.''The man says, ''Next, I want a beautiful girlfriend.'' ''OK, ''the short man replies, ''Tomorrow you will wake up next to her.'' The man is still not sure whether to believe him, but he continues.''I want a penis as large as yours.'' ''Alright, but there is one catch, the short man replies. ''What's that, the man asks?'' ''I have to have sex with you from behind, the short man says.The other man thinks for a second, and decides anything is worth getting a penis that large. ''OK, go right ahead.'' The short man starts to do his thing, and the other man says, ''I can't believe I'm gonna have a penis as big as yours.''The short man replies, ''I can't believe you thought I was a leprechaun!''

How many
Man U. fans does it take to change
a lightbulb?

One to change the lightbulb, and one to drive down
to Kent to pick
him/her up.

A man went to the Police
Station wishing to
speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the
night
before.

''You'll get your chance in court.'' said the Desk
Sergeant.

''No, no no!'' said the man. ''I want to know how he got into the
house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for

years!''

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police
were going car to car. When
they got to my car I asked the officer
what was going on.

He said ''It's Al Gore. He's up there
threatening to set himself on
fire! We are going car to car collecting
donations.''

''Donations!'' I said, ''How much you got so far?''

He
said ''about ten gallons.''

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The
FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch
it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes
in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The
bear is yelling: ''Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
rabbit!''

A rookie police officer was out for his first
ride in
a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in
telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.

The
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
a
corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, ''Let's get
off the corner
people.''

A few glances, but no one moved, so he
barked again, ''Let's get off
that corner...
NOW!''

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
in
his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his
partner and asked, ''Well, how did I
do?''

Pretty good,'' chuckled the vet, ''especially since this is a bus

stop.''

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing

home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies
pulled
out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued
smoking.

The lady asked, ''What's that?''

''A
condom,'' the other lady responded. ''This way my cigarette
doesn't
get wet.''

''Where did you get it?'' the other lady asked.


''You can get them at any drugstore.''

The next day, the first
lady hobbled herself down to the local
drugstore and announced to
the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The
guy looked at her
kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years
of age), but
politely asks what brand she prefers.

''It doesn't matter as long
as it fits a Camel.''

The pharmacist fainted.

Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says,
''Ya know, when
I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with
either of my
hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10
degrees if I tried
really hard. ''By the time I was 50, I could bend
it about 20 degrees, no
problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and
now I can almost bend it in
half with just one hand'' ''So, ''says the
second drunk, ''what's your
point'' ''Well, ''says the first, ''I'm
just wondering how much
stronger I'm gonna get!''

Two elderly Southern women are
sitting on
the veranda sipping lemonade and
reminiscing about old times.
One
says to the other, ''Darling, do you remember the minuet?''
The other
replies, ''Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I

screwed!''

A couple was having some
trouble, so they
did the right thing and went to a
marriage counselor. After a few
visits, and a lot of questioning and
listening, the counselor said that
he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the
woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a
hug.
He looked at the
man and said, ''This is what your wife needs, at least
once
a
day!''
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, ''OK, what time do

you want
me to bring her back tomorrow?''

A
husband and wife are in bed watching ''Who
Wants to be a Millionaire''.

The husband asks for sex.

The
wife says, ''No.'' >
Her husband asks,
''Is that your final answer?''
>
She responds, ''Yes.''

He says,

''Then, I'd like to
call a friend.''

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone
caught
shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any
survivors
will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

A man was
caught for speeding and went
before the judge.

The judge said, ''What will you take....30 days or
$30.''

The man replied, ''I think I'll take the money.''

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a
man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked
him if he had been drinking that
evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by
the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was
something
called ''Happy Hour'' and they served these mar-gar-itos
which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike
home and O' course I had to go in for a couple
of Guinness - couldn't
be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle
for later ..'' And the man fumbled around
in his coat until he located
his bottle of whiskey, which he held
up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm
afraid I'll need you to step
out of the car and take a breathalyzer
test.''

Indignantly, the man said, ''Why? Don't ye believe me?
!''

A police officer pulls over this guy who had

been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's
window and says, ''Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer
tube.''

The man says, ''Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I
do that I'll have a really bad asthma
attack.''

''Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood

sample.'' ''I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,

I'll bleed to death.''

''Well, then we need a urine
sample.''

''I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If
I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.''

''Alright
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.''

''I
can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm too
drunk to do that!''

Safety Tip:Calculus and automobiles don't mix -- never drink and derive

Yo Momma is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyone and got stuck.

New Words for the 2000sBlamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: ''You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.'' See also Decruitment.SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. ''We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.''Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. ''Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here.''Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. ''This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.''Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. ''We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.''Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for ''Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.'' (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: ''This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.'')Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a ''computer widow.''