Newest jokes

A
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.


''You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years

on the force I've never seen anything like it.''

''Oh yes
dear, what happened ?''

''I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks.''

''Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
them ?''

''Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off.''

Bob and Tom both like to golf. One day
Bob
went to Tom and said, ''Hey look at this great ball!'' Tom replied,

''What's so great about it?'' Bob said, ''Well if you lose it, it will

beep until you find it, and if it goes into the water it will float.

This ball is impossible to lose!'' ''Wow!'', said Tom, ''Where did you

get that from?'' Bob replied, ''I found it.''

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are

sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulls a beer out
of a cooler. the little boy
asked,
''Grandpa, can I have a beer?''
Grandpa replied, ''Can your dick touch
your
ass?''
The little
boy answered no.
Grandpa said ''Then you're not man enough to have a
beer.''
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy
asked,
''Grandpa,
can I have a cigar?'' Once again, Grandpa asked,
''Can your dick touch
your
ass?'' The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, ''Then your not
man
enough to have a cigar.'' A
little later, the little boy came out of
the
house With a
cookie.
Grandpa asked, ''Can I have a cookie?''
The boy asked ''Can your dick
touch your ass?''
Grandpa replied, ''Hell yeah my dick can touch my
ass!'' The boy
replied,
''Then go fuck yourself, Grandma made these
cookies for me.''

Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer

and a bad skydiver?
A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! ''Damn.'' A bad
skydiver goes, ''Damn.''
WHACK!

Q: What did the football say to the football
player?
A: I get a kick out of you.

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names''? His father said: ''When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking''?

Cold Hands There's an Ahmish girl riding in a buggy with her mother, and she say's ''my hands are really cold, how can I warm them up?'' Her mother say's ''Put them between your legs, that will warm them up.'' So she does, and her mother was right. The next day the girl is riding in the buggy with her boyfriend, and he says his hands are cold, so the girl say's, ''Put them between my legs, that will warm them up.'' So he does, and his hands get warm. The next day he has a cold nose, and they use the same remedy. The day after that he say's ''My dick is really cold'' and the girl says, ''Put it between my legs and warm it up.'' So he does. She's talking to her mother the next day and she asks, ''Mom have you ever heard of a penis?'' Her mother says, ''Yes, why do you ask?'' She says I don't know what they are, but they make an awful mess when they thaw out!

The headmistress at a girls' prep school in the old South (circa 1959) calls down to the army base and speaks with one of the officers: ''We're having a social here at school and I was wondering if you could send some of your nice young men to attend.'' ''Why of course,'' the Lieutenant answers. ''Just one thing,'' says the lady. ''Of course you'll make sure there aren't any Jews there.'' ''Why of course,'' the Lieutenant answers. On the day of the dance, a bus pulls up from the base. Out comes a platoon of black GIs. The schoolmistress is quite distressed. ''Why, why, there must be some mistake,'' she says to a burly black Master Sergeant. ''Why heck no, ma'am,'' he replies. ''Lt. Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake!''

A Canadian, a Scotsman, and an Australian are in a bar discussing the mental abilities of their wives. The Canadian says, ''You know my wife must be the most stupid woman in the world. She went to a supermarket sale and bought $900 worth of meat, and we don't even have a freezer! The Scotsman says, ''That's nothing! My wife went out last week and bought a brand new $30,000 car, and she can't even drive! Not to be out done, the Aussie says, ''My wife is a lot dumber than that! Last week she left for a two week holiday in Paris and I saw her pack 20 condoms! Hell, she doesn't even have a penis!''

A police officer attempts to stop a car for
speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping
100 mph. He
eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls
over.

The cop approaches the car and says, ''It's been a long
day and my
tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse
for your
behavior, I'll let you go.''

The guy thinks for a
few seconds and then says, ''My wife ran away with
a cop about a week
ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to
give her
back!''

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her

license. He says ''Lady, it says here that you should be wearing
glasses.''

The woman answered ''Well, I have contacts.''

The
policeman replied ''I don't care who you know! You're getting a

ticket!''

Juggler, driving to his next
performance,
was stopped by the police. ''What are those knives doing in your

car?'' asked the officer.

''I juggle them in my act.''

''Oh
yeah?'' says the cop. ''Let's see you do it.'' So the juggler
starts
tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and
says, ''Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're
making you do now!''

A police car pulls up in front of grandma
Bessie's house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite
policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he
was lost in
the park...and couldn't find his way home. '' Oy Morris
'', said
grandma, '' You've been going to that park for over 30 years !
So how
could you get lost ? '' Leaning close to grandma, so that the

policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, '' I wasn't lost.....I was
just
too tired to walk home.''

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down
the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger,
Bubba, said ''Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!!''

''Don't worry, Bubba,'' Earl said. ''We'll just pull over and finish

drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our

foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.''

''What fer?'', asked
Bubba.

''Just let me do the talkin', OK?,'' said
Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put

label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, ''You boys been
drinkin'?''

''No, sir,''
said Earl while pointing at the labels. ''We're on the
patch.''

Did you hear about the underwater snooker
player?
He was a pool shark!

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil...

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer:10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws)9. 'Sit' and 'stay' were hard enough; 'delete' and 'save' are out of the question.8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the '50 ways to skin a cat' sites.5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, 'you`ve got mail'.3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP.

Q: How do you know you've been kidnapped by a redneck?A: He's asking 2 million dollars ransom in unmarked million dollar bills.

A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After takeoff, the woman violently sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom...so the man stands up to let her out.She returns, and 15 minutes later she sneezes again big time, and again excuses herself to go to the bathroom.She returns again, and immediately sneezes, excusing herself to go to the bathroom.The man, a little tired of jumping up so often...asks her: ''You keep sneezing, what's the problem?''The woman replies: ''I have a rare condition...every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.''He says, ''Oh... what are you taking for it?''She says: ''Pepper.''