Newest jokes

A market researcher called at a house and his

knock
was answered by a young woman with three small
children
running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his
questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his
company,Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many
products was
Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When
asked if
she used it, the answer was ''Yes.'' Asked how she used
it,
she said, ''To assist sexual intercourse.'' The interviewer
was amazed.
He said, ''I always ask that question because
everyone uses our
product and they always say they use
it for the child's bicycle chain,
or the gate hinge; but
I know that most use it for sexual
intercourse. Since you've
been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use
it?''
''Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.''

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day
when
he comes across
a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off
when two rather tired
looking
genies pop out ''Two genies!'' he
exclaims. ''That must mean six
wishes!''
''Sorry, buddy, it's three
or nuthin','' say the genies, ''and hurry
up''.
The guy makes his
three wishes and races off home to see if they've
been granted. He
gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds
the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad,
passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and
walks into the living room where
he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his
luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open
it,
when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string

him up naked until he is dead.
The two then take off their
white hoods to reveal that
they are, in fact, the two genies, bot
h looking rather puzzled.
The first genie turns to the second and
says, ''I can understand the
beautiful woman and all the money in the
world,
by why on earth would you want to be
hung like a black
man?''

Two Irish lads had been out shacking up with their girl friends. One felt guilty and decided he should stop at the church and confess. He went into the confession booth and told the Father, ''Father, I have sinned. I have committed fornication with a lady. Please forgive me.'' The Father said, ''Tell me who the lady was.'' The lad said he couldn't do that and the Father said he couldn't grant him forgiveness unless he did. ''Was it Mollie O'Grady?'' asked the Father.'' ''No.'' ''Was it Rosie Kelly?'' ''No.'' ''Was it that red-headed wench Tessie O'Malley?'' ''No.'' ''Well then,'' said the Father, ''You'll not be forgiven.'' When the lad met his friend outside the friend asked, ''So, did you find forgiveness.'' ''No,'' said the other, ''but I picked up three good prospects!''

Did you hear about the hillbilly who went into the hardware store to buy a chain saw ? He said I want one that will cut down at least 10 trees a day. He was back at the hardware store with the saw a couple days later complaining that it only cut one tree and that took all day. The clerk at the hardware store started the saw to see what the problem was. The hillbilly jumped back and said what the hell is that noise?

A negro was travelling in china. In a remote village, he came upon an elderly chinaman skipping stones across a lake. At each bounce of the stone off the water, the mountains surrounding the lake echoed back, ''CHING...CHANG...CHUN...'' The negro was amazed. He asked the chinaman what was going on. ''Oh'', said the chinee, ''magic spirit of the lake echo back the names of your ancient ancestors as your stone skip upon the sacred waters''. ''Wow'', said the negro, ''can I try it?''. ''Certainly'', replied the chinaman. The negro picked up the biggest stone he could find, and gave it a mighty heave across the waters...and as it skipped across the waters, the mountains echoed back ''CHIM...PAN...ZEE....''

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. ''Why of course,'' comes the reply. The first man then asks: ''Where are you from?'' ''I'm from Ireland,'' replies the second man. The first man responds: ''You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.'' ''Of course,'' replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: ''Where in Ireland are you from?'' ''Dublin,'' comes the reply. ''I can't believe it,'' says the first man. ''I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.'' ''Of course,'' replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: ''What school did you go to?'' ''Saint Mary's,'' replies the second man, ''I graduated in '62.'' ''This is unbelievable!'', the first man says. ''I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!'' About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. ''What's been going on?'' he asks the bartender. ''Nothing much,'' replies the bartender. ''The O'Mally twins are drunk again.''

The following
conversation took place one
morning between a wife and her husband. They
were discussing
government cost cuts that they recently heard about in
the
paper.

''Steve,'' his wife said, while reading the newspaper, ''it looks like

our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military

forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged
destroyers.''

To which the husband replies, ''Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure

you'll miss your mother being gone.''

There was once a wife so jealous
that
when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs
on
his jackets she yelled at him, ''Great, so now you're cheating on
me
with a bald woman!''

The next night, when she didn't smell any
perfume, she yelled again by
saying, ''She's not only bald, but
she's too cheap to buy any
perfume!''

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave

when the following took place.

''It's just too hot to wear
clothes today,'' complained Jack as he
stepped out of the shower.
''Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the
lawn like this?''

''Probably that I married you for your money.''

A recent survey done
by marriage experts
shows that the most common form of marriage
proposal these days
consists of the words: ''You're what?!?''

Boss asks secretary ''Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?''''No'', says the secretary.''Great, Let's do lunch.'' the boss says.

Seminars for Females (Prepared and presented by Males)1. Elementary map reading2. Crying and law enforcement3. Advanced math seminar: Programming your VCR4. You can go shopping for less than 4 hours5. Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: A study in contrast.6. PMS: It's your problem, not mine (''It's happened monthly since puberty-deal with it.'')7. Driving I. Getting past automatic transmissions8. Driving II. The meaning of blinking orange lights9. Driving III. Approximating a constant speed10. Driving IV. Makeup and Driving; it's as simple as oil and water11. Football: Not a game; a sacrament12. Telephone Translations (Formerly titled, ''Me too'' equals ''I love you'')13. How to earn your own money14. Gift giving fundamentals (Formerly titled, ''Fabric bad, electronics good'')15. Putting the seat down by yourself: Potential energy is on your side16. Beyond ''Clean and Dirty'' - The nuances of wearable laundry17. Yes, you can fill up at a self service station18. Joys of the remote control; Reaping the benefits of 50 channels19. What comes around, goes around: Why his credit card is not a toy20. His best friend can be yours too21. His poker games: Deal yourself out22. Commitment Schmittment (Formerly titled, ''Wedlock Schmedlock'')23. To honor and obey: Remembering the small print above ''I do''24. Why your mother is unwelcome in the house25. Your mate: selfish bastard, or victimized sensitive man?Seminars For Males (Prepared and Presented by Females)1. Combatting stupidity2. You too can do housework3. PMS: Learn when to keep your mouth shut4. How to fill an ice tray5. We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas: give us money6. Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4am7. Wonderful laundry techniques (formerly titled, ''Don't wash my silks'')8. Parenting: It doesn't end with conception9. Get a life; learn to cook10. How not to act like a jackass when you're obviously wrong11. Spelling: Even you can get it right12. Understanding your financial incompetence13. You: The weaker sex14. Reasons to give flowers15. How to stay awake in public16. Why it is unacceptable to relieve yourself anywhere but the bathroom17. Garbage: Getting it to the curb18. You can fall asleep without it if you really try19. The morning dilemma if IT is awake: Take a shower20. I'll wear it if I damn well please21. How to put the toilet lid down (formerly titled ''No, it's not a bidet'')22. ''The weekend'' and ''sports'' are not synonyms23. Give me a break: Why we know your excuses are bull24. How to go shopping with your mate and not get lost25. The remote control: Overcoming your dependency26. Romanticism: Ideas other than sex27. Helpful postural hints for couch potatoes28. Mothers-in-law: They are people too29. Male bonding: Leaving your friends at home30. You too can be a designated driver31. Seeing the true you (formerly titled, ''You don't look like Mel Gibson when naked'')32. Changing your underwear: It really works33. The attainable goal: removing ''tits'' from your vocabulary34. Fluffing the blankets after flatulating is not necessary35. Techniques for calling home before you leave work

Why did the baseball coach throw Cinderella off the team?Because she ran away from the ball.

The night before her wedding, the

bride-to-be talked with her mother. ''Mom,'' she
said, ''I want you to teach me
how to make my new husband happy.''

The mother took a deep breath
and began, ''When two people love, honor,
and
respect each other,
love can be a very beautiful thing...''

''I know how to fuck,
mother,'' the bride-to-be interrupted. ''I want
you to teach
me how to
make a great lasagna.''

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket. The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, ''These remind me of my husband's testicles.'' The American woman says, ''That big?'' The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty.''

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, ''Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?'' His reply was, ''Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feather.'' She asked another Brave, feeling the first fellow was only joking. This Brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, ''Ugh; me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws.'' Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of sqaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, ''Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?'' The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, ''Me Chief. Me fuck-em all. Big, small, fat, tall. Me fuck-em all.'' Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, ''You ought to be hung!'' The Chief replied, ''You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake.'' Ms. Walters cried, ''You don't have to be so goddamned hostile!'' The Chief replied, ''Hoss-style, dog- style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all!'' With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, ''Oh dear.'' The Chief said, ''No deer. Me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuck deer!''

A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. ''What's underneath your kilt?'', she asked him. ''Why don't you take a look'', he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the kilt.then let it go,''Oh, it's gruesome!'' ''Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew-some more.''

The local sheriff was looking
for a deputy,
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the
bucket went
in to try out for the job.

''Okay,'' the sheriff drawled, ''Gomer,
what is 1 and 1?''

''11'' he replied.

The sheriff thought to
himself, ''That's not what I meant, but he's
right.''

''What
two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?''

''Today and
tomorrow.''

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct
answer that he had
never thought of himself.

''Now Gomer, listen
carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?''

Gomer looked a little
surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally
admitted, ''I don't know.''

''Well, why don't you go home and
work on that one for a while?''

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool
hall where his pals were waiting to
hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was exultant.

''It went great! First day on the
job and I'm already working on a
murder case!''

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to

steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. ''Listen,'' said the

shoplifter, ''I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I
just buy the watch and we forget about this?''

The
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
slip
and said, ''This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
you
show me something less expensive?''

A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.


Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.


The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The
old-timer says, ''Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France.''

The new man
asked, ''What happened?''

''One day Riley reported his credit cards
missing!''