Newest jokes

The Boston taxi driver backed into the
stationary
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.


''Name?''

''Brendan O'Connor.''

''Same as mine. Where are
you from?''

''County Cork.''

''Same as me......''

The
policeman paused with his pen in the air.

''Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
cab.''

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force

One. Bill looks at
Al, chuckles and says, ''You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill
out the window right now and make one person very
happy.''
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, ''Well, I
could
throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very
happy.''
Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, ''I
could
throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a
hundred
people very happy.''
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and
says, ''I
could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole

country happy.''

A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
''I've got a
big
problem, doctor.''
''Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out
this earsplitting yell.'' ''My dear,''
the doctor said, ''that's
completely
natural.
I don't see
what the problem is.''
''The problem is,'' she complained,
''it wakes
me up!''

Scott finally got his
girlfriend into bed,
and things were going hot and heavy.

''Slow down, baby,'' she said.
''Foreplay is an art.''

''You better get your canvas ready soon,''
he panted, ''because I'm
about to spill
my paint!''

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her

father. She stands directly next
to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack
cake. The
barber says to
her, ''Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your

Twinkie.''

She says, ''I know. I'm gonna get boobs too.''

Old Farmer
Johnson was dying. The family
was standing around his bed. With a low
voice he sad to his wife:
''When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones.''

Wife: ''No,
I can't marry anyone after you.''

Johnson: ''But I want you
to.''

Wife: ''But why?''

Johnson: ''Jones once cheated me in a
horse deal!''

In olden times, it is reported that
sacrifices
were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been
held there, and times haven't changed
at all!

A psychiatrist visited a
California
mental institution and asked a patient, ''How did you get here? What
was
the nature of your illness?'' He got the following reply.

''Well,
it all started when I got married and I guess I should never
have
done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my

stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my
lovely stepdaughter, then
married her. And so my stepdaughter was now
my stepmother. Soon, my
wife had a son who was, of course, my
daddy's brother-in-law since he is
the half-brother of my stepdaughter,
who is now, of course, my daddy's
wife.

So, as I told you,
when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at
once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he
also
became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since
she
is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my
r
stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's
grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my

step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,
but
I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got
put in
this place?''

After staring blanky with a dizzy look
on his face, the psychiatrist
replied: ''Move over!''

A man really
loved a woman, but he was
just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in
his years and
neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they
dated about once a
week for the past six years, but he was so timid he
just never got
around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one
day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls
her
on the phone, ''June.''

''Yes, this is June.''

''Will you
marry me?''

''Of course I will! Who's this?''

A
dietician was once addressing a large
audience in Chicago. ''The
material we put into our stomachs is
enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is
awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the
germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can
anyone here tell me
what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the
first row,
please give us your idea.''

The man lowered his head and said,
''Wedding cake.''

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, ''There is really no justice in the world.''The other little old lady says, ''What do you mean by that?''The first little old lady says, ''Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!''

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, ''I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs.''''Odd,'' her companion replied, ''but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.''Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.''Two dogs, please,'' said one.The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, ''What part did you get?''

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said ''Watch this!'' and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. ''Not bad'' said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said ''Watch this!'' and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. ''Wow, that's colder than mine!''said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said ''Watch this!'' and went into the bedroom, looked under three hugh back thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took one of the small balls of ice and put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went ''FFFAAAARRRRTTT''. He won..............................................................

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afforda larger double-wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told himthat he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, ''I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'' So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beercan, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. ''1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . '', at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

A little Italian grandfather comes up to Customs.The Customs official says, ''Have you got anything to declare?''He thinks a second and he says, ''It's a nice-a day!''

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, ''So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?''She says, ''Bernie, I want a divorce.'' He says, ''I wasn't planning on spending that much.''

You know what that little red dot means in the middle of an Indian woman's forehead? ............................''Coffee's ready.''

A minister gave a talk to the
Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he couldn't
tell his wife that he had spoken
about sex, so he said he had discussed
horseback riding with the
members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping
center and they
complimented her on the speech her husband had
made.

She said, ''Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject
matter, as
he's only
tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and
the
second time he fell off.''

A drunk gets
up from the bar and heads for
the bathroom. A few minutes
later,
a loud, blood curdling scream
is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes
after
that, another
loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender
goes
into
the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. ''What's

all the

screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!''

''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to

flush,something

comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.''

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says... ''You

idiot!''
''You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A retired
four-star general ran into his
former orderly, also retired, in a
Manhattan bar and spent the rest of
the evening persuading him to come
work for
him as his valet.
''Your duties will be exactly the same as they were
in the
army,''
the general said. ''Nothing to it - you'll catch on again

fast.''

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the

ex-general's
bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general
a gentle shake,
strode around
the other side of the bed, spanked
his employer's wife on her bottom
and said,
''OK, sweetheart,
it's back to the village for you.''